Day 18 - That Friday Feeling

I'm still here - a couple of evenings without a good internet connection now happily fixed. I do find it hard to remember life pre-net, and I'm nearly 40, so you'd think it would all come rushing back to me in a haze of Encyclopaedia Britannica and small screened big boxed televisions.

We're so used to being able to have information as soon as we want it, all our questions answered, even to have shopping delivered within hours without leaving the house.  Perhaps this is another addiction that I suffer from; I'm not a very social person out there in the real world, so the internet is my way of connecting with people and having 'friends', of a sort. Though who is to say that the people you meet online aren't real friends - just because you're not all sitting on the sofa together watching Bridget Jones. That's probably a longer thesis for another day!

I was planning to write tonight about how I'm losing count of my days sober, and how I think that's probably a good thing - I'm aware it's 2 and a bit weeks but I have to tot up the days. But now I sit down I'm actually stuck by a less good thing that was happening in my brain earlier.

I am going to have to work on the weekend as once again I over-promised and under-delivered (I need to get better at making people wait!). So this evening I'm a little stressed, although it has to be said a lot calmer than I would have been a month ago. I'm knocking back the AF beers like they are going out of fashion, and I have one left - and I can hear the Gin Goblin going into a little panic, like, what will I do once they are all gone? What else is there? Is the only thing left actual alcohol - is there any? That'll do! No it won't, shut it Goblin!

It's just like the voice would do when I was drinking alcohol - planning ahead, stressing about where the next drink is coming from, making sure there is enough available. It's interesting and a bit scary to me that I can trigger it just from the 'ritual' of a bottle of beer, without even taking in any alcohol or getting the brief buzz it provides. What's that about?

I'm still not feeling like it's 'dangerous', the willpower is still good, but I can see the chinks in my armour. Perhaps it's time for another early retreat to bed!