Why?

I’ve given a bit of thought to WHY I am how I am. I’ve listened to a lot of podcasts this past week, in particular That Sober Guy has really helped me to stay focused, and often it seems to be that people with addictions come from families of people with the same problems.

Not me. Pretty normal upbringing. No violence, no drugs, no smoking, moderate alcohol intake, stay at home parents, Grew up in the countryside, good education, didn't really start drinking until I left home at 18. I was quite a prissy teen, and had no problem staying at home and doing my homework. There's nothing in my background I can point to which would help me understand this.

The only thing looking back is that I can say I have always had a lot of anxiety around failure - which is stupid as really, if I step back and allow myself to be a little big headed, I’m a high achiever. A bachelors and two postgraduate degrees, a business, a musician, a mum. I do it all well. But I always have this nagging feeling that I will get found out, that I should be doing better, than somehow I’ve just fluked it. I can remember at school feeling sick to my stomach if I thought I was going to get a “B” in something, and that has never left me.

So I wonder if I drink to numb that inner part of me, the part that says I’m not good enough and I should try harder. The part of me which says I will probably cock it all up soon enough. The part of me which I have to be so careful of now, because THAT’s the bit that will sabotage me.