Day 99

It's day 99.

And you know what? I actually had to look that up, because I stopped counting days long ago. I've been really lax at writing here but actually I take that as a good sign as it means I've not been constantly having booze thoughts and needing to vent about it! The worst thing has been that I'm not up to speed with all of the blogs I was following - I promise to try to remedy that.

Last week I took part in an "Intuitive Recovery" course that my ADS counsellor had recommended me for. It was much more interesting than I thought it would be - people from all walks of life, different substances, different stages of recovery (some only thinking about it). I felt a bit guilty being able to sit there and say I hadn't used for 3 months, when some were still staring down the barrel of day 1. But I hope the fact that I could do it and I was still standing upright was helpful!

At the end of the course, the instructor asked us to say aloud "I will never drink/use again" just to see how it made us feel. I was the only one who could say it without a caveat -but it made me want to cry. It felt almost like a break up or a bereavement. It's over. I won't see the gin goblin again. I thought he was the one but he turned out to be a bastard.

I was then challenged to add "and I will NEVER change my mind". Never. That's a scary word. But I said it. I meant it.

The big difference the IR course made to me was that it helped me understand a bit about how I'd trained my brain to think I needed alcohol for survival, above even food and warmth. And it helped me understand that if I keep on saying no to the cravings I can train it back again, and those cravings will get fewer and fewer. The trick, apparently. is to not even enter into that internal debate with the craving - just tell it to fuck off, and it'll pass within a couple of minutes. If you debate with it, you feed it.

The bottle of wine that has been in the fridge since my birthday is open; hubby says he has been using it for cooking and hasn't drunk any. I consider this a travesty and have told him to bloody drink some. I have a vivid memory of last night pouring a glass and having a big gulp, holding it in my mouth, trying to decide if I liked it or not (I did!). Then pouring the rest of the glass away. There's no glass on the drainer, the bottle looked as full as it did yesterday, so I guess it was just a dream. But I had to actually check on those things to be sure. I could taste it.

I've been really depressed the last few days and it's a bit disappointing to realise that it can still happen now that I'm not bringing myself down with alcohol. I'm also still a lard arse! But maybe these things will change given more time. My skin is amazing, and in a certain part of town you can see my Size 18 form wrapped in blue satin on the cover of a magazine this month - I never imagined I'd be a cover girl! Yes, this has really happened, it's an actual magazine made of paper 'n' everything.

When I'm not in a glum mood, I can get up in the morning feeling fine. I can drive and know I'm safe. I have discovered photography, and through it some amazing people and places as well as what seems to be a new talent. And I can go for a night out, with people who are drinking, and have just as good a time as they are. And THEN drive them home and call them at 8am just to tease them ;)

If you're on Day 1, or Day 0, and reading this, I know you can't believe me yet. It's so hard just to start, and every day is one foot in front of the other. But honestly, it's not been easy and there have been so many times when I've thought a drink would help me out, but I've survived. I'm here on Day 99 just like that. And although it's not been easy, it's really not been THAT hard. It's ok. It's worth it.

What happens next? Well, ADS have discharged me. I still need to work on my mental health generally but at least now it's clearer who I actually am. I still have to let go of all of the regrets of how (despite all my achievements) maybe I could have done MORE and BETTER if I were sober - and just channel that into doing more and better now! But I'm also still learning to be kind to myself, to accept that some days it just ain't happening and that's being human.

I know that in the future that voice in my head will tell me to have just the one. I know there will be times when I'm really tempted, when people put a drink in my hand and egg me on. But I'll deal with that when it comes.