Day 6 Part 2 - Defence

I'm on the defensive.

Called my mum, and mentioned the tingly feeling and how I hadn't realised I was so tired, and she made some relatively mild comment about me going out / drinking - so I fairly casually mentioned that I'd not had a drink since last Monday.

Of course, what I was hoping for was a "Oh well done!" but what I actually got was a certainty that I was going through withdrawal and not tiredness (even though I've had this before about 10 times) and a comment about my ability to "hit the sauce rather hard" or something along those lines.

Okay, fair enough, an accurate observation, but it hurt. And when I came back with "well, I acknowledge that, but I don't think this is withdrawal" I was shut down, told that there was an edge in my voice and that she was going to change the subject.

Hurts a bit more in retrospect knowing she'd already read the Facebook thread where I talked about the fizz and dropped in to it casually that I hadn't been drinking.

Rational brain knows this is my mum's way of expressing her concern, and trying to avoid conflict. And rational brain knows she loves me to the end of the earth, and that I have to just accept that sometimes, often, she says the real, sensible thing rather than the cheerleading mum thing that I really hope she will say. But tonight my needy, recovering, alkie brain really just needs someone to not judge, to not remind me of my failings, but rather to say "well done, you!" or even "how can I help?".

Coupled with a minor disagreement with hubs about something on telly (which I have translated to "You're a bad person Susie how could you possibly judge someone like that"), I'm feeling like I want to curl up and burst into tears.

Again, rational brain knows this is stupid and unnecessary. But it's not the one in charge at the moment.

On the plus side, fever tree tonic with elderflower cordial, and crushed mint and strawberries, is bloody amazing.