Day 8 - Meet the Gin Goblin

I'm already having to think about how many days it's been, which I think is probably a good sign. I'm really not obsessing about alcohol at all....

That's a lie, actually. I to tend to have an 'all or nothing' nature and my current obsession is staying sober, so I am obsessing but in what is hopefully a positive way. Reading lots of blogs, listening to podcasts, reminding myself constantly of the benefits and how much better I feel. I'm almost tempted to go to an AA meeting just to talk to other obsessives, but I suspect it would just piss me off - I accept that the 'higher power' doesn't have to be "God" in the traditional sense, but I don't accept that I'm powerless against alcohol. I think at this point I understand exactly where the power boundary lies, and it's between drinking and not drinking - if I drink, then sure, the alcohol takes over. So I just have to make sure I stay on this side of the line, and then, it has no power.

Don't know if that makes any sense at all - I'm just rambling really.

But I'm not really craving a drink - I have moments where I think I'd like one, but I've noticed that it seems to be more habitual than a craving. To unwind at the end of the day, or when I'm feeling a bit stressed out. Tonic water with elderflower cordial and some fresh mint is honestly as good as any G&T, and Brew Dog's "Nanny State" is very nice too (Eisberg wine, otoh...ewwwww).

I'm seeing the addiction counsellor today, first time in three weeks so my new found sobriety will be news to her. I am already setting myself up for a fall, anticipating some praise where what I'll actually get is more likely to be 'well we did discuss how this might be the best route for you - now how are you going to maintain it'. Much more practical but I want rainbows and unicorns, dammit.

I am getting an inkling of how easy it would be to relapse though - already I've caught that little voice (which I need a name for - the Gin Goblin?) - suggesting to me that perhaps this doesn't have to be FOREVER and since I clearly CAN control my intake, surely I could moderate my drinking after all. Since I've been able to stop for a week, OBVIOUSLY I'm not an alcoholic.

I'm telling the little voice to shut up, because one gin, or wine, or beer, will never be enough for me, and I know it. Forever feels like a scarily long time, but I'm done with the guilt and the tiredness and the constant thinking about when I can have a drink. Done. So, Goblin, you can fuck right off.