My one-month sobriety anniversary passed by at some point in the last week. I always intended to make it this far but there was a large part of me on Day 1 which didn't think I could.
There are still plenty of struggles. It's really hard having to face up to emotions rather than numbing them every time. Learning how to deal with SmallPerson having a meltdown, the pressure I put on myself about my performance at work and my performance as a mother, life's day to day worries.
One thing I have learnt is that the 'depression' I've been on medication for the last 10+ years for may in fact just have been one long hangover. Still not sure on this one - I'm still up and down and trying to find out what my level of 'normal' is. Still taking the tablets for now, but this is an area which might develop. Today is certainly the first day in a month when I've really struggled to get out of bed, and that used to be a regular thing.
I'm getting more 'honest' with people about my not drinking - I still don't say it's a forever thing, but when people seem surprised that I'm still sober, I say I'm aiming for 100 days and that seems to keep them happy. Nobody has tried to pressure me to drink or pressed me too hard. A few times I've even explained that for me one drink isn't enough, and so moderating doesn't work for me and I decided to take control of it.
It's clear from some of the responses that people don't imagine that's a problem, or that my sobriety needs to be forever, but that's okay. I don't really need or want to talk about it with them.
Good things. I'm learning to live in the moment a bit more, to pause and think 'isn't this nice'. I'm still living life in a bit of a rush, and need to rein myself in a bit more. But I think I'm noticing more, remembering more. I can listen to a lecture online, or read a book, or watch a film, and actually be able to tell you a few days later what happened. God knows how I got through an MBA with no short term memory.
Sleep is different. Tiredness is different. Tiredness is something that runs through my whole body sometimes, and my mind, and falling asleep is a lovely moment. Waking up isn't always pleasant but I have a new found ability to get out of bed without lying there for half an hour psyching myself up for it.
I'm kinder to myself. I have nails, moisturiser goes onto my face from time to time. I even bought some clothes which weren't second hand! Occasionally I even give myself permission to miss a deadline or leave something until tomorrow. For me these are new things, for normal people I imagine them to be routine.
It does strike me that I don't really know what IS normal. By stopping drinking I sort of imagine myself as 'different' from others, but in fact I'm probably becoming less different every day. I wonder how we're meant to measure that, or even if it really matters? I'm me, that's probably enough.
My husband and mum are less worried about me. I'm a better mum, I'm more patient, more sympathetic, I have more time. These are the best things.
Nothing wrong with being different, or even eccentric or goofy or weird, as long as you are being yourself. "Normal" is a hump on a graph, which gathers like behaviors and statistics together in frequency. At one of the hump are those who drink ALWAYS and at the other end are those who drink NEVER and then there's the rest of us in the middle, all in a spectrum.
ReplyDeleteI'm also still trying to figure out how I got through the last few years of my life being barely there, on auto-pilot, and still make everything work. It's a little bit scary that one can cruise for so long, so aimlessly. Then one day a thought occurred to me: I can't keep this up. I can't do this forever without eventually suffering serious repercussions, possibly permanent ones. You can't "party on" for that long without someday having to pay up in the end.
Well done on your first month! Many more to come:)
Thank you! Yes I'm finally starting to accept that I am probably a bit weird in many ways - but sod it, it's not MY problem if people can't cope with that!
DeleteIn many ways cruise control is the easy option - like in a car, it gets you there, but perhaps less safely and with less intelligence and input. I'm glad I switched it off before I ran into the back of the traffic jam.
I should stop now as I make no sense tonight!
Thank you! Yes I'm finally starting to accept that I am probably a bit weird in many ways - but sod it, it's not MY problem if people can't cope with that!
DeleteIn many ways cruise control is the easy option - like in a car, it gets you there, but perhaps less safely and with less intelligence and input. I'm glad I switched it off before I ran into the back of the traffic jam.
I should stop now as I make no sense tonight!
I could have written this post. So much of it rings true to me. I'm also on meds for anxiety for last 2.5 years. I think though they are actually a necessity. Sure, alcohol didn't help but think the anxiety has been there alot longer.
ReplyDeleteI also suffer alot from guilt around my kids. Making them a nice meal so they're well fed and healthy? Feel guilty I'm not playing with them, playing with them? Feel guilty I'm not cooking for them. Every single night when I'm in bed I swear that I'll sit with them and play and alot of days that doesn't happen. Don't even go there with the amount I check my phone...
Guilt, guilt, guilt! It sucks. Think we're trying our best though and I hope that peace of mind comes to us. At least we're doing this amazing thing to better our lives and the lives of those around us...