Guess what? Day 1!

It's another Day 1.

Monday, I didn't drink, and it wasn't a struggle. But what I'm noticing is that I'm comparing "current me" to "really bad drinking" me, and using that as an excuse to keep drinking. And I suspect being able to make excuses is a sign of ...something....

Yesterday was a very fucked up day in many ways. Some great things happened, some downright horrible things happened. So when I got home I had a G&T. And a beer. And a glass of wine.

Yeah. No excuses for that, really, are there?

I'm on a bit of a self improvement kick in other ways. I went for a run yesterday (I don't think I will do it again. It was horrible). I've been getting up at 5.30am to work and making sure I'm in bed by 10pm which has been working surprisingly well. But today - Didn't get up until 6.30am (lazybones!), and not feeling too motivated. I don't feel ill, but I'm tired, and I'm grumpy, and that'll be a hangover I guess.

When I was considering it this morning, what I realised was it didn't help me at all. What helped me last night was talking to the person who had upset me, and discovering that whilst I had cause to be upset, it wasn't quite as bad as I had taken it to be.

Also - did I enjoy any of those drinks? I don't think I did. I don't think any of them tasted especially wonderful, I don't remember sitting and just savouring one and thinking "Oh, that's nice".

When I sobered up last year (for 6 months!!) I'd been considering it and finding excuses not to do it for a while, and when it happened I felt 'ready' for it. I feel ready again, now.

Day 45 Lard arse

Today I do not feel good about myself. Apparently I not only suck at doing my job and managing my time, I'm also the worlds worst mother. Oh, and then I caught sight of my naked self in the mirror. Holy heiffers, Batman.

I stopped weighing last year and I don't intend to start again. But I wonder if I can harness sober me to do another good thing for myself and try to get in shape and make better food choices. Am I asking too much of myself on top of the sobriety, and setting myself up to fail? Or am I setting myself up to succeed because it will be a nice thing to do for myself?

My problems are time and motivation. My boobs are too big for running. Swimming takes time, and planning. I don't really want to pay for a gym at least until winter. Also I like food.  

There's an opportunity coming up, a month away from home and hubby's cooking, by the sea for early morning jogging with the dog. I neèd to take it. But without a number on the scales how do I keep going. It won't bring instant rewards like sobriety did. 

This sounds like me talking myself into sobriety all over again. So. One day at a time?