Miss me?

Okay, okay, I'm back. It's Day 3. And this time I mean it. I'm done. I spent Thursday and Friday night absolutely hammering it, barely felt drunk, barely felt hungover. What a waste of money and effort, and all just to feel shitty about how much I'm drinking again.

The friend I mentioned, who I inspired with my 6 months sober stint, just made it to his 1 year Soberversary (well done, R!). So I really don't have any excuses any more.

I'd forgotten how crap Day 3 is. I'm tired, my head is thumping, and I would bite your hand off for a glass of wine right about now. Or half a pint of Baileys. Either would be fine. But I'm hanging out on r/stopdrinking which is good for a bit of anon support and gnashing of teeth, and feeling pretty confident. I keep just saying to myself, "I don't drink". Eventually, I'll say it out loud to someone, and believe it.

I know I can do it. I know I can. I've done it before. This time, I also know I have to KEEP doing it. There are no half measures (hahahaha) for me. That last symbolic sip of neat gin from the bottle on Saturday morning, and the goodbye I said as I poured the rest down the sink - that was it. This love affair is OVER and my broken heart will mend.

If any of you are still out there and reading, I hope you're doing well! I'll try to check in on all the blogs I was following over the next few days too.

And if you're reading this and patting yourself on the back for staying sober for a month / 6 months / a year and figuring you can handle a drink now? It's your decision - but be careful. Sure, I've had a year of drinking but I can't say I have anything to show for it except a bigger waistline and less money. My life hasn't been terribly enhanced by it. Make your decision carefully.

Onwards!

Day 2. The Zork.

Day 2, which represents progress in relation to all the other Day 1s there have been lately.

Nothing much to report - just working working working, and tired, and thinking of bed soon. I tried to drink some Tescos Alcohol Free fizzy wine but couldn't open it - it appears to be sealed with something called a Zork - and nobody in this household can work out how the hell to get it open. Advice, please? :)

Fortunately I have plenty of Nanny State. Feeling relaxed. Not bothered about drinking/not drinking tonight. Wish I had cake, though.

Guess what? Day 1!

It's another Day 1.

Monday, I didn't drink, and it wasn't a struggle. But what I'm noticing is that I'm comparing "current me" to "really bad drinking" me, and using that as an excuse to keep drinking. And I suspect being able to make excuses is a sign of ...something....

Yesterday was a very fucked up day in many ways. Some great things happened, some downright horrible things happened. So when I got home I had a G&T. And a beer. And a glass of wine.

Yeah. No excuses for that, really, are there?

I'm on a bit of a self improvement kick in other ways. I went for a run yesterday (I don't think I will do it again. It was horrible). I've been getting up at 5.30am to work and making sure I'm in bed by 10pm which has been working surprisingly well. But today - Didn't get up until 6.30am (lazybones!), and not feeling too motivated. I don't feel ill, but I'm tired, and I'm grumpy, and that'll be a hangover I guess.

When I was considering it this morning, what I realised was it didn't help me at all. What helped me last night was talking to the person who had upset me, and discovering that whilst I had cause to be upset, it wasn't quite as bad as I had taken it to be.

Also - did I enjoy any of those drinks? I don't think I did. I don't think any of them tasted especially wonderful, I don't remember sitting and just savouring one and thinking "Oh, that's nice".

When I sobered up last year (for 6 months!!) I'd been considering it and finding excuses not to do it for a while, and when it happened I felt 'ready' for it. I feel ready again, now.

Another Day 1

Wow, for someone who stayed sober for over 100 days, I suck at staying sober.

2 glasses of wine last night. Very pleasant, helped the conversation flow, topped off what was a great day. So WHY then did I neck the best part of a bottle of prosecco when I got home? I don't even like the bloody stuff.

So of course I feel rough. It's been a really stressful day too, trying to get the Tiny Human to the dentist and then to the child psych this evening, not finding any time to actually do my job...I don't know if the hangover is making the stress seem worse or not but it's definitely not helping.

I think I need to find some chocolate.

Sober 2.4

Day 4. Feeling more human today. It's Good Friday so I was able to sleep in until about 10.30 which was great - hopefully more of the same tomorrow!

Today has mainly been about waiting for slow computers. I have a lot of photos to process, and it's been suggested that I might like to sell some, so I've had to re-size them and upload them to various sites. It will be a tiny miracle if I make any money from it, but enough to buy a new lens now and then would make me very happy. If it pays for next year's trip to Iceland, so much the better!

I think that Day 4 might be easier than it was the first time around - I don't know, it just doesn't seem like such a big deal this time to be going sober. The cravings are less - although they're still there - I'd not say no to a glass of something right now, but at the same time I'm feeling too lazy to actually get up and get something. So that's that!

Hoping my skin will start to improve soon, that's definitely a deterioration I noticed again once I re-started drinking...more spots!  Better sleep will be a good thing too - I can sleep for hours and wake up tired. I'm not really sure now how much better that was when I was sober last time around, mind. I have some very weird dreams sometimes.

I let this journal lapse last time around too - in the end I started drinking on 30 November, so I went nearly 6 months. This time - fewer than 4 months to my birthday and 5 months to the big holiday. A gap between the two of them. Easy!

Day 1. Again.

Hi. So, I'm back. 

I started drinking in December. A little here and there. Never drunk. Days off in between. I could handle it, right?

Well apparently not as I'm now drinking again every day, waking up grumpy, hubs  is starting to comment. I'm not back at the stage of working out in the morning what there is to drink in the evening but clearly that's next. 

On the plus side I know I can do this now. I've even inspired a friend who is now on about Day 60 and is inspiring me in return. So here we go.