A better start

I just wanted to quickly post something positive, as I have been a bit of a moaning minnie all week. The day has started well, SmallPerson was surprisingly pleasant this morning - I don't know whether that was cutting out the purple drinks, or not letting her have her ipad in the evening, but whatever it was it's like a small miracle has occurred. Long may it continue.

I'm still sober. And I am reminding myself that however much I might want to beat myself up for my many failings, that's one HUGE failing I no longer have. Yay me!

Have a lovely friday and thanks for putting up with me!

Balance

All my negativity came out in that last post didn't it! So there are a couple of positive things I ought to report as well....

1) I'm not good with new people, I'm very antisocial, I don't talk to strangers. But last night the office next door neighbour came out of his house carrying a brass band instrument, which was reason enough for me to ask him which band he plays with. Turns out we know a lot of people in common and it was nice to have a quick chat rather than just nodding in passing.

2) I've been an amateur photographer for a week now. I've already had one person ask for a print and been told that my shots are 'very marketable'. I have no illusions about becoming great or making money from my hobby but it's a good feeling to try something new and not totally suck at it - especially as I thought I would. If I can make a little just to pay for new lenses and stuff that would be cool. I may even start a photography blog!

3) Business is booming. My little company is doing really well -I need to look up from the exhaustion and stress and remember that. And the main thing I wanted - to be a great place to work as well as a great company - seems to be coming to fruition as both my employees keep telling me how much they love it here. Yay!

A nice thing happened.

I am not a small person. Size 16-18, bum and boobs. I gave up weighing about a year ago as I decided I didn't want to keep beating myself up about being who I am, so my main means of knowing which way my body is heading is through my clothes.

I also try very hard not to say anything negative about my body in front of SmallPerson - mum always struggled with her weight when I was growing up, she had a drawer full of diet books and did everything from Weight Watchers to the Cambridge Diet via F Plan. That insecurity passed on to me, and I'm determined it's not going any further!

Put on a pair of trousers which have been a bit tight this morning - still a bit tight but I thought not as bad and made a comment like 'oh, my Wine Belly must be shrinking'. Small hugged me and said 'Yes, when I hug you my fingers touch now!'.

Aww. I'm still waiting for the loss of the empty calories to make me Size 14 overnight by magic, but that will do for today.

Day 28 - Four Weeks!

Wow. I'm sort of shocked to have made it to 4 weeks, and it doesn't feel like that long. I started writing this as 'three weeks' and then realised I was missing 7 days somewhere ;)

I 'came out' properly to my mum last night - this time she was appropriately supportive and said she had massive respect for me for doing it, and she had been worried about me. So that time in Week 1 when she managed to reduce me to tears with a comment was clearly me going through the post-gin emotional rollercoaster.

I've also 'come out', sort of, to my party guests for my birthday this weekend, just to say that I won't be drinking but they are welcome to. A couple of comments, but nothing too negative; and anyone who isn't interested in sober me isn't really a friend anyway, right?

There have been some ups and downs, and the initial 'high' of being sober is wearing off a bit. Tonight, I'm tired, my shoulders ache, I ought to get to bed soon really. But then, I did quite a bit yesterday (yeah, I can see that now, thank you for putting up with the pity party) and I worked hard today.

One thing I definitely need to get used to is that I can finally get more done, and be more focused; I was lying awake last night fretting about all the work piled up that I needed to get done. This morning, I just knuckled down to it. Most of it is done, some of it isn't, but it'll wait until tomorrow. I just need to learn to relax about that a little more!

So here are the benefits so far;

• I've not had a single day where I couldn't get out of bed (I used to blame this on depression!)
• In fact, when the alarm goes off I just get up and get on with it. I do still swear a bit though.
• No hangovers!
• No drink driving.
• Not sleeping so much on the weekend - and getting things done as a result.
• Not worrying about what I might have said, done or bought the night before
• Not having to think about where the next drink might be coming from!
• No more nagging about my drinking from anyone
• I'm calmer, and more patient, and I'm a better mum as a result
• I can think more, later - so although I'm not working in the evenings I'm doing something useful with my time, or reading, or being nice to myself, rather than just keeling over.
• My skin is way better!
• Things are still fun - in fact, things that are fun are probably better for being more memorable.
• I can remember movies more than 5 minutes after they end
• I'm taking better care of myself - nails, moisturiser, massages, time out to sit and relax...
• I seem to be getting over some of my social anxiety - I'm talking to strangers, even making new friends.
• I don't wake up in the night. I used to wake up and drink water routinely, and have to go to the loo, 2-3 times a night. 

The downsides? Well, there's a hell of a lot of soul searching and self analysis which can get a bit wearing, and the fresh awareness of my self can be quite scary. Not being able to deaden emotions and feelings means I don't always know how to handle them. But all of this will pass with time and, I suppose, practice. I've not missed out on anything socially (I don't think), I don't miss the taste of alcohol (which surprises me). 

I was able to remain pretty functional with a hell of a lot of booze in me. But a few times, I had 'that thing' which I'm assuming you'll be familiar with - getting to bed and suddenly realising you've REALLY overdone it and you're going to be really ill. You can't really walk, but you need to get to the bathroom, so you're bouncing off the walls and the doorframe. You know you have to be sick, to try to make it go away. You hate yourself, swear you won't do it again, as you knock back a pint of water only to throw that up as well. Everything spins and you want to shout for help and have it all go away.

I don't miss that one bit.

Day 25 - I wouldn't normally do this kind of thing...

So yesterday was The Festival. Yes, I got through it without alcohol though I did look covetously at everyone else's drinks. I even managed not to take a sip when I get getting drinks for other people.

I spent most of the afternoon working away from the main arena which really helped, but the coolest thing happened when the Pet Shop Boys were doing the closing set - I got to watch it from the mixing desk. I felt like some sort of VIP, and it was amazing especially the light show. I felt like it was my reward for staying sober, even though nobody else really knew.

It was also a great place to watch the very very drunken crowd from - most people appeared to be having a wonderful time, but I bet there were a few hundred sore heads this morning. A few people overdid it, passed out or leaning against walls looking a bit shaky. That would have been me with a free bar, not that long ago (not passing out, but definitely not brilliant). And I was glad it wasn't me, and happy that I was having such a great time even without a drink in me.

I think it's helped me in a big way with my fear that without alcohol nothing will feel quite as intense or fun. If anything I think being sober made it better. So there you go, a positive thing.

Also I got to drive back to the hotel after, and although getting up this morning was painful, it would have been a hell of a lot worse with a hangover.

The other thing which happened tonight; we have no AF beer in the house and I really fancied one. Hubs offered to go out and get some (bless him) and I said no, it would wait till tomorrow, I'd gone 2 nights without so what was one more. Thing is - if that was real beer, I'd NEVER have turned down the offer for him to go out and get some more. So I guess that's a positive sign too that just the habit is passing.

Oh, and another - bought 2 cans of G&T as a gift for a friend today, and the man in the shop said "Oh it's 4 for 3 at the moment" and I said - get this - "No thanks, 2 is enough".

Who the hell is this woman who has taken over my brain?? I like her!

Let's hope the weekend is as productive as the last one now. Hope you all have a great one!

Day 20 - Time flies, but the days are so much longer

Day 20. I can't quite believe that. Three weeks tomorrow since that Monday night bender that precipitated my decision to quit. It feels like a lifetime ago and yet this all still seems to new and fresh.

So much happened today - I got my lie in (I got up in deference to a jet lagged husband yesterday - another thing that drinking me would not have been able to do), but I still bounded out of bed at about 11am, did a little work, and then set about my 'project', a caravan restoration which I launched myself at with enthusiasm for a few weeks last summer but which has mouldered on the driveway ever since.

I've decided I want to finish it for my birthday (2 weeks time) so that it can be a bar/social space for anyone who actually shows up to the BBQ that I rashly (and drunkenly, that Monday) decided to host. I'm really not a social person, so hosting An Event is a bit of a thing for me. I'm trying to be laid back about it, though, in keeping with new me.

Anyway - 30 minutes of sloshing paint around, off into the village to play at a concert for a couple of hours (thank you, sun, for coming out just in time), then home and into the garden. My new lawn mower arrived and sad as it may seem I had a fantastic time with it - it actually cuts the grass! The old one sort of flattened it, and churned some of it up, but this thing has made our tiny raggedy lawn look half presentable.

That spurred me on into a frenzy of weeding, trimming and watering, and I have to say I'm actually quite pleased with how my little patch is looking.

Then back in, and I've done a couple more hours work. I'm nowhere near caught up, but at gone 10pm it's definitely time to stop and relax. I still could do more though, and I'll probably read a little yet - so much for the bed at 10pm resolution - but to even be capable of intellectual thought past about 7pm is still novel to me. I'm just not that knackered, and that's new, and good.

I did have a craving today - it was funny. I watched people drinking at the concert, and thought how normally I would have had a pint, but I didn't really miss it. It was interesting watching who was drinking, who wasn't, how many people actually weren't at an event which I would just assume would be one for cracking out the wine in the sunshine. No, the craving hit me mid evening, just a feeling that I wanted to be slightly out of myself and have the lightness that a single drink gives.

Then of course the voice going, well why not, have one, be moderate, be one of those normal drinkers. Just have one, and stop. The voice is wrong. One leads to two, leads to fuzzy brain and a less good person, and places I don't want to go to again. I don't want to have more than one Day 1. I think I've been lucky, it's not been 'a struggle' as such, but I still don't want to go back to that self loathing and exhaustion and brain fog.

My memory is really improving too, which is paying dividends in so many ways. I'm still reliant on notes and my to-do list but I can watch a movie now and actually remember it a week later, even talk coherently about the plot. And I enjoy things, in general, a lot more now I'm focused on what I'm doing rather than when it will be over and I can get a glass of something.

I finished reading Last Drink to LA today (John Sutherland). I didn't like it at the start, I felt the author was quite condescending and a bit flowery with his language. But the epilogue was interesting, written 20 years later and by a more likeable character I felt. I also read Sober is the New Black, but to be honest the shonky formatting (Kindle version) drove me crackers and the use of !. at the end of every paragraph (one or the other people, not both!) made the grammar nitpicker in me want to weep.

Anyway time for me to get some rest, hopefully another good day tomorrow - I keep waffling on here about how much work I have to do, crunch time tomorrow as I have to actually do it. I think perhaps I should get up nice and early, the poor dog hasn't had a proper walk all weekend either. Early start, good walk, and get the first report finished before everyone wakes up. Stop laughing, dear reader....!

Day 19 - Immersed

A great day today - the sun was shining, I was up early (I always used to sleep beyond noon on a Saturday), got a ton done in the garden, then went out for the afternoon with a friend to an artsy/theatrical thing in town. It was fun, and since we are both pretty socially terrible I was able to relax into it without drinking - there's a lot to be said for hanging out with people who are just as rubbish as you are ;)

I did make the mistake of asking whether they served alcohol free beer in a bar where really, I should have known it was a stupid question...I don't think they even knew such a thing existed. But when my friend asked for a J2O they'd never heard of that either, so I didn't feel too bad.

SmallPerson bought be some sweets today too, so I'm off to eat those now!