Day 15 - Green spots

Yesterday was a really productive day after my early start, caffeine got me through the wall mid afternoon and Things Got Done. I was flaked out in bed with SmallPerson by 9pm though, and slept through until 7 today.

Today - I'm basically compensating for it by being useless. Work is going so very slowly (I have so much to do, can't afford to slack like this!), and I'm covered in spots of green paint because I keep running outside to spend '5 minutes' treating the shed. I look like I have some sort of terrible disease. Not sure if I should wash it off before the school run, or try to scare the children a little bit?

I did take the dog for a very long walk, which he needed, but I've not managed to unload the tumble dryer or do the washing up, which is a bit pathetic. Oh, and that work stuff. Not done that either.

On a day like this 'before' I would probably have called it a day and had a glass of wine about now - it would be relatively unusual for me to drink during 'work hours' but I did tend to do it when I was trying to excuse myself for taking it easy. It's hard now to just allow myself to have a bit of an off day, and accept that these things happen and it doesn't make me a total failure as a human being. When I'm not drinking, I have to keep thinking, and thinking isn't always my friend. I tend to do too much of it.

It feels good to have made it 2 weeks, but when I'm in a less positive mindset it also feels a bit pathetic and pointless. Only 2 weeks? I could blow it all in a second without thinking about it - one moment of 'oh, fuck it' when there's alcohol within reach. It's a drop in the ocean (hah!) when compared to the rest of my life - I might have to be sober for the next 40 years. I don't know why that's such a scary thought really. The reasons for not drinking aren't going to change, all that changes is that as time passes I might forget just how bad drinking made me feel.

My memories of alcohol aren't especially positive. I don't even know if I like the taste of it, when I think about it properly. The things I did and said when drunk were often negative, the way I felt the next day definitely so. But this damn Gin Goblin still likes to think that maybe, one day, I'll be on top of it and be able to 'moderate' my drinking, despite all the evidence to the contrary. I know I won't. I know one drink will never be enough for me.

I'm not about to give in, but I wish I could reprogram myself a little more easily!