Twenty Something

More than 3 weeks, closing in on 4, and at that happy point where without counting I can't tell you exactly how many days it is. I've not really had any serious cravings or second thoughts, until last night; I had a really stressful day at work (things are not going entirely brilliantly financially) and wanted to just fall face down into a bucket of gin when I got home. But I'm pleased to say I gave myself a pep talk - the Gin Goblin might help me to escape from my worries for an evening but it would also stop me from taking action to actually change the situation. So I stayed sober and worked through the evening instead, which was clearly more productive.

I'm feeling quite sorry for myself at the moment. I fell over on Friday (yeah, sober, what are the odds?) and hurt myself quite badly although nothing broken. Lost the weekend to mild concussion and I still ache all over which is stopping me from sleeping too well. Right now I'm working, but in my pyjamas, and vaguely contemplating how nice it would be to go back to bed. I think tonight I'm gone at 8pm with a good book - just need to keep going until then. Moan moan moan.

I'm not especially noting any huge benefits of sobriety this time around - but perhaps that's because I've been too focused on my recent one woman pity party. I'm getting things done, I guess, but I'm still waking up headachey and fuzzy. Who knew - you can get the effects of alcohol without actually spending money on it!

The next big test for me will be Friday - a night alone in a hotel in a strange city. I'm taking my camera and hoping to get some good architectural shots, and I'll be checking out the local sushi bars. Then I'll get some sleep like the sensible thing I am!

Seventeen

I'm assuming it's good that I'm not as reliant on my blog as my sobriety outlet this time around...right? There's something comforting about having done this before - I know I can, at least for 6 months - but there's something scary about what comes after that. Can I keep it up this time? Forever is a scary thing.

Survived the trip home. E was a bit of a pain, wouldn't really go out or do anything and we had a few meltdowns to contend with. On the plus side, I had a day out walking on the coast while mum looked after her (thanks mum!) and I chugged multiple Nanny States each evening and avoided the lovely village local and its lovely, lovely beer.

I feel as though I've been very bad tempered and impatient with E, her quirks and features (I don't want to say her 'disability' but it does seem like the right word to use sometimes) make everything seem like a battle, a struggle, sometimes. I was in tears this morning trying to get her ready for school on time despite us having been up for 2 hours. I don't know if this is just part of withdrawal, or me just not coping with life generally. I feel quite selfish, there are things I want to do! I want a normal life with a child who does what they are told and takes less than an hour to put a sock on! Bwaaaaah!

As a woman who has to have a plan, I have a plan. I'm going to try to be calmer, and if I still feel like this next time I see the GP it might be time to finally change my medication (been on the same ones for 14 years now).

I'm not going to drink gin, however much I desperately want to. I'm definitely guilty of self-medicating in the past but I can't blame my drinking issues on family life - they have been there all along. There always seems to be something that needs to be dulled.

Clients at work are being pushy and impatient too. I feel like bursting into tears and telling them I AM doing my work, but I'm only one person, and would they just BACK THE FUCK OFF.

Perhaps I AM a little out of whack at the moment!! ;)

Day 11. Cravings and weirdness

Day 11. More cravings today. Not so much that I'll give in, but I have been thinking about alcohol a lot more today and feeling quite anxious about never drinking again. This will pass, I know. I'm telling myself that it's a choice - that I can choose to drink if I want to - but that the sensible part of me knows that would be a bad choice. Nobody is saying 'no', what is actually happening is me saying 'No, thanks, not today'.

My brain is waking up a lot, but my motivation is lagging behind - if I was in a mood to write, to work, I could absolutely kill it. But my focus is on my hobby (photography) rather than my job at the moment and I'm having to try to rein it in and actually get some paying work out of the door.

Off to Cornwall to see my mum tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to. I've not been home since last summer and I could do with a dose of sea air. Going to stock up on Nanny State and pretend I never liked the local beers anyway!

Nothing much else to report. Better sleep last night. I do have one weird physical thing going on at the moment but I can't imagine how it can possibly be linked to alcohol, unless that in turn can do something wacky to your hormones? Hopefully a few days of R&R will see me come back to real life next week with a bit more enthusiasm for everything...

Day 4

Day 4. Insomnia struck last night, and the night before, so I took a ZzzQuil at 1 am each time. Today I slept until 11am and am still walking around the office like a zombie (luckily, I'm the boss, so I can get away with it!). Entertained to note that I took one a couple of weeks back and felt it did nothing - I guess that's another sign of how booze was affecting my brain.

I feel like a bit of an observer at the moment rather than actually living in my body. It's not unpleasant, just different. I'm cutting myself a lot of slack and trying to be kind and positive in my inner monologue. Things like tidying the house, weeding the garden - they aren't the most important things and I refuse to beat myself up about them, for now. I'm promising that in a few weeks time, when the weather improves and so do I, I'll have tons of energy to tackle all of those jobs I have avoided for the past 12 months.

I feel much more confident and comfortable at this point than I did last time - perhaps because I know I can do it, and because I know what to expect? Perhaps because, having failed once before, I now accept that I'm an all or nothing person and just shouldn't drink? Perhaps because I've seen my friend ace it for a year now and can see the real difference it has made to him.

I also don't have to do quite as much soul searching. I know what my triggers for drinking are (stress and boredom) and when my danger points are (evenings, weekend afternoons), and I've got my strategies in place (Nanny State n/a beers and early nights). It's just a case of ticking off the days until I don't feel I have to tick them off any more.

The big change since last time around is that we now understand that our daughter has Asperger syndrome; that's why her behaviour was starting to get so difficult around the time I was going sober last time. I don't for a second blame that for me starting to drink again - but I know I'll probably be better equipped to help her if I'm fully present. I'm going to need energy to fight for her, calm her, support her, and fill in the endless forms. It's an added incentive!

Right. I guess I should do some work!

Miss me?

Okay, okay, I'm back. It's Day 3. And this time I mean it. I'm done. I spent Thursday and Friday night absolutely hammering it, barely felt drunk, barely felt hungover. What a waste of money and effort, and all just to feel shitty about how much I'm drinking again.

The friend I mentioned, who I inspired with my 6 months sober stint, just made it to his 1 year Soberversary (well done, R!). So I really don't have any excuses any more.

I'd forgotten how crap Day 3 is. I'm tired, my head is thumping, and I would bite your hand off for a glass of wine right about now. Or half a pint of Baileys. Either would be fine. But I'm hanging out on r/stopdrinking which is good for a bit of anon support and gnashing of teeth, and feeling pretty confident. I keep just saying to myself, "I don't drink". Eventually, I'll say it out loud to someone, and believe it.

I know I can do it. I know I can. I've done it before. This time, I also know I have to KEEP doing it. There are no half measures (hahahaha) for me. That last symbolic sip of neat gin from the bottle on Saturday morning, and the goodbye I said as I poured the rest down the sink - that was it. This love affair is OVER and my broken heart will mend.

If any of you are still out there and reading, I hope you're doing well! I'll try to check in on all the blogs I was following over the next few days too.

And if you're reading this and patting yourself on the back for staying sober for a month / 6 months / a year and figuring you can handle a drink now? It's your decision - but be careful. Sure, I've had a year of drinking but I can't say I have anything to show for it except a bigger waistline and less money. My life hasn't been terribly enhanced by it. Make your decision carefully.

Onwards!

Another Day 1

Wow, for someone who stayed sober for over 100 days, I suck at staying sober.

2 glasses of wine last night. Very pleasant, helped the conversation flow, topped off what was a great day. So WHY then did I neck the best part of a bottle of prosecco when I got home? I don't even like the bloody stuff.

So of course I feel rough. It's been a really stressful day too, trying to get the Tiny Human to the dentist and then to the child psych this evening, not finding any time to actually do my job...I don't know if the hangover is making the stress seem worse or not but it's definitely not helping.

I think I need to find some chocolate.

Sober 2.4

Day 4. Feeling more human today. It's Good Friday so I was able to sleep in until about 10.30 which was great - hopefully more of the same tomorrow!

Today has mainly been about waiting for slow computers. I have a lot of photos to process, and it's been suggested that I might like to sell some, so I've had to re-size them and upload them to various sites. It will be a tiny miracle if I make any money from it, but enough to buy a new lens now and then would make me very happy. If it pays for next year's trip to Iceland, so much the better!

I think that Day 4 might be easier than it was the first time around - I don't know, it just doesn't seem like such a big deal this time to be going sober. The cravings are less - although they're still there - I'd not say no to a glass of something right now, but at the same time I'm feeling too lazy to actually get up and get something. So that's that!

Hoping my skin will start to improve soon, that's definitely a deterioration I noticed again once I re-started drinking...more spots!  Better sleep will be a good thing too - I can sleep for hours and wake up tired. I'm not really sure now how much better that was when I was sober last time around, mind. I have some very weird dreams sometimes.

I let this journal lapse last time around too - in the end I started drinking on 30 November, so I went nearly 6 months. This time - fewer than 4 months to my birthday and 5 months to the big holiday. A gap between the two of them. Easy!

Still standing

Life is slowly returning to normal - thanks to those of you who commented on my last post. School begins again in a week, Hubs and myself are both back to work tomorrow, routine is beginning to kick in. The Small One is still suffering but it seems that the root of the problem is anxiety, which she was masking with anger and violence; we all feel much better now that nobody is screaming, and I'm not being beaten up!

Many sessions with the psych to follow, I suppose, but we are feeling our way through and managing to parent in shifts during the tougher times, and seem to have achieved a level of 'normal' which is bearable if not quite as easy as it once was.

I'm trying not to link SmallPerson's issues with any of my own, but it's hard not to. I drank when I was pregnant - very little, especially compared to my excesses in times both before and after my pregnancy, but probably a couple of times a week (only ever one drink at a time). At the time and long after I figured what the heck, she's fine, but when something like this happens it's very easy to blame yourself - especially when you'll never know the answer. Hell, does MY anxiety and borderline ASD stem from my own mother's drinking during her pregnancy? Again she wasn't a hellraiser, she wanted the best for me. Who knows if it has any effect?

Or perhaps I'm just beating myself up a little (a lot), because suddenly my perfect family isn't quite so damn perfect any more and I don't know what went wrong with it. Perhaps we were never all that perfect but I was so focused on ME being the one with the problems that I didn't notice it creeping up on her.

I am a bit low at the moment. My plans for a grand summer by the seaside totally failed, all the great things we were going to do, the fun we'd have. Here we are at the end of it, tired and stressed and with no good memories, nothing much achieved. A summer to forget, to be washed away by what has felt like near constant rain.

I should feel as though through all of it, the fact I've managed to remain sober is some sort of shining beacon. If I can stay sober through this shit, I've got it sorted. But somehow I even feel grouchy and depressed about that, what's the big deal, other people do it without expecting a fanfare after all.

Oh, some other stuff did happen. I got that tattoo - which really didn't hurt all that much, and which I really like, even if nobody else around me seems to. I've also joined a photography club and a couple of times now walked into a room full of strangers and come out feeling like I made friends. That's quite a big deal for me - plus it turns out I occasionally take a decent photo.

But for now I have to go. SmallPerson had a book on the stairs, I moved it, and a freak out is in progress. Yay.

Day 50 - Pads, PAWS and Claws.

If I'm counting properly, I think that this is Day 50. I'm quite surprised, and also very proud of myself. I didn't think I would make it this far. A huge THANK YOU to all my blog-friends who have been there to help me through and encourage me!

I sound like someone giving an Oscars speech, like the prize has been won. It's interesting to me that there is no 'end' to this movie - or is there? Is there a celebration to be had at the end of every single day that I remain sober?

I'm feeling absolutely lousy at the moment - almost like I have a hangover which seems remarkably unfair considering. My back aches, my mind is fuzzy, my stomach is hollow and queasy, my mind is fuzzy. I just want to crawl back into bed. Not sure if this is PAWS or 'The Wall' (or are they the same thing?). It does become easy at this point to blame anything that goes wrong with the body or mind on sobriety, I suppose because there's comfort in thinking you know what is going on.

I know the correct answer to this is to be kind to myself - and I really am trying - but it's just so busy at the moment I can't slack off for a few days yet. I'm probably taking Friday off for a day out, and I'm definitely sleeping all day on Saturday, but I have to keep going until then.

We were out in London on Saturday night, and getting a cab back to the station after the theatre (which I can afford, now I'm not drinking!) was interesting - so many people late at night, stood on the street drinking. So many of them who probably felt rough as a badger's arse on Sunday morning. I looked at them and wondered where the pleasure was in what they were doing, tried to remember, and I honestly couldn't.

The flip side of that observation, though, was that when we went for a meal in Carluccios, a place I always associate with a large glass of white wine, I felt almost hypnotised by the glasses on the table until they were removed after we didn't order anything to go in them. Was that because of the habit of drinking wine in that place? Am I just a snobby alcoholic who considers herself too good to stand around on the street drinking from a plastic pint pot?

In the old days, I'd have had a glass of wine or two on the train, another with the meal, maybe two, two more at the theatre, and something when we got back to the B&B. Because it was spread out over 12 hours, I would consider that it wasn't that much. Interesting how none of those are just one drink.....!

My hands no longer shake.

I'm still great at procrastinating though. Back to work!!

Scaling The Wall

It's been 6 weeks today since I made the decision to give up drinking. So small in the grand scheme of things but also so monumental.

I'm in danger of getting complacent. The buzz of sobriety has worn off, I'm stressed with juggling work and school holidays, trying to be a good businesswoman and a good mum, and of course not getting either of them quite right. It's a high risk time....and then I read in Sober Mummy's blog that the relapse 'wall' is typically between Day 46 and Day 120 and I am staring right at it.

That's 74 days of danger, if you want to believe what I'm assuming isn't a precise and scientifically proven time period ;) 74 days of danger, compared to 42 days of relative ease so far. That's a hellish long time to be facing.

I have a sort of emergency plan in place, but I'm away from home for the whole of August so access to meetings etc won't be happening. All I really have is you lot, and a couple of people I can text, and willpower. I'm scared, and I feel threatened by this notional bad patch.

Maybe it won't be that bad - maybe it's because I've been up since 5am and am absolutely knackered that I'm being so negative.

On my way home I plan to buy as much AF beer as I can carry! :)

Save me

It's Sunday morning and I'm sitting in a soft play centre surrounded by women I don't know and their terribly loud children. There are a few people here I ought to talk to just to be polite (friends of the in laws) but currently I'm working on the theory that they can start the conversation if they think we ought to chat!

Admittedly sat here in my corner staring at the iPad I'm not sending out very social signals but hey. 

SmallPerson seems to have reached the age where parties are smaller, quieter affairs. I'm glad as places like this are basically my idea of hell. There's not even any wine! It's just inhumane. I'm looking at the other mums and wondering if any of them are like me, or like I was. Wishing they had a glass to help them through this horror. Or are any of the others quietly remembering when that would have been their main thought, when they would have been counting the minutes to return home and have a 'well earned' glass or three for putting up with this?

Only an hour to go. Ugh. 

I am noticing that the thoughts of alcohol are a bit stronger at the moment. I'm still not ready to open a bottle but I seem to have noticed its absence a bit more this last week. Out for lunch yesterday and there was a nice cold bottle looking at me. Friday night wanting to just forget the slightly rubbishy week that had just ended. Today, when I am beating myself up for all the unfinished projects and the state of the house. 

This too shall pass. Hand my my diet coke, stat!

The Bitch is Back

One thing about being sober is that I can no longer blame the less wonderful aspects of my personality on my drinking.

I'd like to think I'm a nice person - I'm kind, I try to think of others, I lack a lot of social skills but I try to treat others as I would like to be treated. Despite this I do sometimes lack patience.

There have been a couple of times this week where I've just lost my temper with people - I've been polite and not raised my email (or TYPED IN CAPITALS) but I've had to be a little...well, firm I suppose is the word.

Actually you know what? Reflecting on it, I'm quite happy that by the time I got firm, I'd played nice and been helpful quite enough - but what annoyed me was when people continued to fail to do their job (or expected me to do it for them!). Interestingly, I don't feel too bad about it, I don't think I've been rude or unreasonable. So perhaps this is a good thing - old me would have been chewing on it and feeling bad.

I suppose I also take it sometimes without it upsetting me - I can be a bit clueless and the people who work with me occasionally sit me down and tell me what they need from me. Perhaps they are quietly gnashing their teeth as they smile nicely and talk to me in short sentences!

I'm also dealing with some drama - not mine, but a friend who is a total drama queen. They have had a big row with their partner but this means it's OVER FOREVER WAAAAAAH rather than just that the other party is too pissed off to reply to their texts right now. I'm trying so hard to be nice, and supportive, but I am also trying to say to them - relax, apologise, and wait. Just wait.

Maybe I'd be different if it was my own drama, but waiting to see what the Universe does about it seems to be about the only course of action available sometimes.

I'm off to London tonight to see this which I am really looking forward to. I'm told the cocktails are amazing. I hope they have something interesting but AF for me!

Grumpy tired post

I did not sleep well last night...SmallPerson was in the bed, Hubs was snoring like a rhino with a megaphone, and me? Perched on the edge of the (super king!) bed. I kept waking up. My brain was buzzing. So today I'm knackered and to be honest, if hubs were home, I'd be in the bath by now and thinking about sleep.

I'm still beating myself up for being behind at work, but trying to remind myself that I did plenty today and it's okay to spend an evening sitting on the sofa - not making curtains, not studying, not doing anything. This is ok. Giving in on this day and going to bed is okay.

School holidays next week, which stresses me out too - guilt at needing to put Small into holiday club, guilt at not doing something amazing when we are together. We are at my mum's near the beach for a month in the middle of it, which will be great, but this year I need to get my act together to show Small some of the 'tourist' things about my homeland which I take for granted. I ought to make a list, even a plan, to stop myself just wasting the time, sitting on the laptop and working and missing the opportunity.

I like lists. But tonight, too tired to make one.

Seeing the alcohol counsellor tomorrow. Wonder if I will unlock a new level in the 'secret stuff for recovering addicts' game? :)

One month of sobriety

My one-month sobriety anniversary passed by at some point in the last week. I always intended to make it this far but there was a large part of me on Day 1 which didn't think I could.

There are still plenty of struggles. It's really hard having to face up to emotions rather than numbing them every time. Learning how to deal with SmallPerson having a meltdown, the pressure I put on myself about my performance at work and my performance as a mother, life's day to day worries.

One thing I have learnt is that the 'depression' I've been on medication for the last 10+ years for may in fact just have been one long hangover. Still not sure on this one - I'm still up and down and trying to find out what my level of 'normal' is. Still taking the tablets for now, but this is an area which might develop. Today is certainly the first day in a month when I've really struggled to get out of bed, and that used to be a regular thing.

I'm getting more 'honest' with people about my not drinking - I still don't say it's a forever thing, but when people seem surprised that I'm still sober, I say I'm aiming for 100 days and that seems to keep them happy. Nobody has tried to pressure me to drink or pressed me too hard. A few times I've even explained that for me one drink isn't enough, and so moderating doesn't work for me and I decided to take control of it.

It's clear from some of the responses that people don't imagine that's a problem, or that my sobriety needs to be forever, but that's okay. I don't really need or want to talk about it with them.

Good things. I'm learning to live in the moment a bit more, to pause and think 'isn't this nice'. I'm still living life in a bit of a rush, and need to rein myself in a bit more. But I think I'm noticing more, remembering more. I can listen to a lecture online, or read a book, or watch a film, and actually be able to tell you a few days later what happened. God knows how I got through an MBA with no short term memory.

Sleep is different. Tiredness is different. Tiredness is something that runs through my whole body sometimes, and my mind, and falling asleep is a lovely moment. Waking up isn't always pleasant but I have a new found ability to get out of bed without lying there for half an hour psyching myself up for it.

I'm kinder to myself. I have nails, moisturiser goes onto my face from time to time. I even bought some clothes which weren't second hand! Occasionally I even give myself permission to miss a deadline or leave something until tomorrow. For me these are new things, for normal people I imagine them to be routine.

It does strike me that I don't really know what IS normal. By stopping drinking I sort of imagine myself as 'different' from others, but in fact I'm probably becoming less different every day. I wonder how we're meant to measure that, or even if it really matters? I'm me, that's probably enough.

My husband and mum are less worried about me. I'm a better mum, I'm more patient, more sympathetic, I have more time. These are the best things.

Day 28 - Four Weeks!

Wow. I'm sort of shocked to have made it to 4 weeks, and it doesn't feel like that long. I started writing this as 'three weeks' and then realised I was missing 7 days somewhere ;)

I 'came out' properly to my mum last night - this time she was appropriately supportive and said she had massive respect for me for doing it, and she had been worried about me. So that time in Week 1 when she managed to reduce me to tears with a comment was clearly me going through the post-gin emotional rollercoaster.

I've also 'come out', sort of, to my party guests for my birthday this weekend, just to say that I won't be drinking but they are welcome to. A couple of comments, but nothing too negative; and anyone who isn't interested in sober me isn't really a friend anyway, right?

There have been some ups and downs, and the initial 'high' of being sober is wearing off a bit. Tonight, I'm tired, my shoulders ache, I ought to get to bed soon really. But then, I did quite a bit yesterday (yeah, I can see that now, thank you for putting up with the pity party) and I worked hard today.

One thing I definitely need to get used to is that I can finally get more done, and be more focused; I was lying awake last night fretting about all the work piled up that I needed to get done. This morning, I just knuckled down to it. Most of it is done, some of it isn't, but it'll wait until tomorrow. I just need to learn to relax about that a little more!

So here are the benefits so far;

• I've not had a single day where I couldn't get out of bed (I used to blame this on depression!)
• In fact, when the alarm goes off I just get up and get on with it. I do still swear a bit though.
• No hangovers!
• No drink driving.
• Not sleeping so much on the weekend - and getting things done as a result.
• Not worrying about what I might have said, done or bought the night before
• Not having to think about where the next drink might be coming from!
• No more nagging about my drinking from anyone
• I'm calmer, and more patient, and I'm a better mum as a result
• I can think more, later - so although I'm not working in the evenings I'm doing something useful with my time, or reading, or being nice to myself, rather than just keeling over.
• My skin is way better!
• Things are still fun - in fact, things that are fun are probably better for being more memorable.
• I can remember movies more than 5 minutes after they end
• I'm taking better care of myself - nails, moisturiser, massages, time out to sit and relax...
• I seem to be getting over some of my social anxiety - I'm talking to strangers, even making new friends.
• I don't wake up in the night. I used to wake up and drink water routinely, and have to go to the loo, 2-3 times a night. 

The downsides? Well, there's a hell of a lot of soul searching and self analysis which can get a bit wearing, and the fresh awareness of my self can be quite scary. Not being able to deaden emotions and feelings means I don't always know how to handle them. But all of this will pass with time and, I suppose, practice. I've not missed out on anything socially (I don't think), I don't miss the taste of alcohol (which surprises me). 

I was able to remain pretty functional with a hell of a lot of booze in me. But a few times, I had 'that thing' which I'm assuming you'll be familiar with - getting to bed and suddenly realising you've REALLY overdone it and you're going to be really ill. You can't really walk, but you need to get to the bathroom, so you're bouncing off the walls and the doorframe. You know you have to be sick, to try to make it go away. You hate yourself, swear you won't do it again, as you knock back a pint of water only to throw that up as well. Everything spins and you want to shout for help and have it all go away.

I don't miss that one bit.

Day 25 - I wouldn't normally do this kind of thing...

So yesterday was The Festival. Yes, I got through it without alcohol though I did look covetously at everyone else's drinks. I even managed not to take a sip when I get getting drinks for other people.

I spent most of the afternoon working away from the main arena which really helped, but the coolest thing happened when the Pet Shop Boys were doing the closing set - I got to watch it from the mixing desk. I felt like some sort of VIP, and it was amazing especially the light show. I felt like it was my reward for staying sober, even though nobody else really knew.

It was also a great place to watch the very very drunken crowd from - most people appeared to be having a wonderful time, but I bet there were a few hundred sore heads this morning. A few people overdid it, passed out or leaning against walls looking a bit shaky. That would have been me with a free bar, not that long ago (not passing out, but definitely not brilliant). And I was glad it wasn't me, and happy that I was having such a great time even without a drink in me.

I think it's helped me in a big way with my fear that without alcohol nothing will feel quite as intense or fun. If anything I think being sober made it better. So there you go, a positive thing.

Also I got to drive back to the hotel after, and although getting up this morning was painful, it would have been a hell of a lot worse with a hangover.

The other thing which happened tonight; we have no AF beer in the house and I really fancied one. Hubs offered to go out and get some (bless him) and I said no, it would wait till tomorrow, I'd gone 2 nights without so what was one more. Thing is - if that was real beer, I'd NEVER have turned down the offer for him to go out and get some more. So I guess that's a positive sign too that just the habit is passing.

Oh, and another - bought 2 cans of G&T as a gift for a friend today, and the man in the shop said "Oh it's 4 for 3 at the moment" and I said - get this - "No thanks, 2 is enough".

Who the hell is this woman who has taken over my brain?? I like her!

Let's hope the weekend is as productive as the last one now. Hope you all have a great one!

Day 22 - Three weeks!

I'm writing this post in a bar, in Liverpool.

All around me are people drinking wine, or nice cool beers, on what has been the hottest day of the year. The car hit 32 degrees earlier - and this is in the North of England. Practically unheard of. It's a lovely evening to relax with friends over a drink.

So you'll forgive me for an ice cold wine won't you? Just the one?

No, I didn't think you would - which is why I'm sitting here alone with my laptop, sipping tonic water. Unfortunately my job means I have to sit here for at least another hour yet - but my only regret really is that it isn't the BrewDog bar around the corner so I could have a pint of (AF) Nanny State, which is my favourite new beer.

Actually this is the sort of place where they may have something AF, but I'm sort of shy to ask, after my faux pas the other day! And I need to get used to just making do, and fast, as Thursday I will be working at a festival all day where the booze is included in the entry fee (or in the staff AAA pass) and will be flowing freely. Hope the queues at the diet coke tent are shorter....

I saw the addiction counsellor today, she seemed pleased with me, and I seem to have triggered some sort of magic key at 3 weeks sober which means I'm now being given details of relapse prevention groups, a sobriety cafe, and all sorts. I think I might try to go - I don't feel like I need it now but I do think it's wise to have as much support in place ready for if and when I do start to fall. All sorts of meetings and groups that when I was an active drinker were kept secret from me! Interesting. Making time is my big problem though.

Two things she said that struck me -

1) that it takes 21 days to break a habit, so I might be getting beyond my evening drink habitual craving and
2) that people tend to relapse after 3 months when the novelty wears off.

3 months and it'll be back to school, back from the summer, back to routine - I can see that being a dangerous time anyway. But if I've made it that far, and through my holiday too, then hopefully I'll still be feeling strong. We will see.

Day 20 - Time flies, but the days are so much longer

Day 20. I can't quite believe that. Three weeks tomorrow since that Monday night bender that precipitated my decision to quit. It feels like a lifetime ago and yet this all still seems to new and fresh.

So much happened today - I got my lie in (I got up in deference to a jet lagged husband yesterday - another thing that drinking me would not have been able to do), but I still bounded out of bed at about 11am, did a little work, and then set about my 'project', a caravan restoration which I launched myself at with enthusiasm for a few weeks last summer but which has mouldered on the driveway ever since.

I've decided I want to finish it for my birthday (2 weeks time) so that it can be a bar/social space for anyone who actually shows up to the BBQ that I rashly (and drunkenly, that Monday) decided to host. I'm really not a social person, so hosting An Event is a bit of a thing for me. I'm trying to be laid back about it, though, in keeping with new me.

Anyway - 30 minutes of sloshing paint around, off into the village to play at a concert for a couple of hours (thank you, sun, for coming out just in time), then home and into the garden. My new lawn mower arrived and sad as it may seem I had a fantastic time with it - it actually cuts the grass! The old one sort of flattened it, and churned some of it up, but this thing has made our tiny raggedy lawn look half presentable.

That spurred me on into a frenzy of weeding, trimming and watering, and I have to say I'm actually quite pleased with how my little patch is looking.

Then back in, and I've done a couple more hours work. I'm nowhere near caught up, but at gone 10pm it's definitely time to stop and relax. I still could do more though, and I'll probably read a little yet - so much for the bed at 10pm resolution - but to even be capable of intellectual thought past about 7pm is still novel to me. I'm just not that knackered, and that's new, and good.

I did have a craving today - it was funny. I watched people drinking at the concert, and thought how normally I would have had a pint, but I didn't really miss it. It was interesting watching who was drinking, who wasn't, how many people actually weren't at an event which I would just assume would be one for cracking out the wine in the sunshine. No, the craving hit me mid evening, just a feeling that I wanted to be slightly out of myself and have the lightness that a single drink gives.

Then of course the voice going, well why not, have one, be moderate, be one of those normal drinkers. Just have one, and stop. The voice is wrong. One leads to two, leads to fuzzy brain and a less good person, and places I don't want to go to again. I don't want to have more than one Day 1. I think I've been lucky, it's not been 'a struggle' as such, but I still don't want to go back to that self loathing and exhaustion and brain fog.

My memory is really improving too, which is paying dividends in so many ways. I'm still reliant on notes and my to-do list but I can watch a movie now and actually remember it a week later, even talk coherently about the plot. And I enjoy things, in general, a lot more now I'm focused on what I'm doing rather than when it will be over and I can get a glass of something.

I finished reading Last Drink to LA today (John Sutherland). I didn't like it at the start, I felt the author was quite condescending and a bit flowery with his language. But the epilogue was interesting, written 20 years later and by a more likeable character I felt. I also read Sober is the New Black, but to be honest the shonky formatting (Kindle version) drove me crackers and the use of !. at the end of every paragraph (one or the other people, not both!) made the grammar nitpicker in me want to weep.

Anyway time for me to get some rest, hopefully another good day tomorrow - I keep waffling on here about how much work I have to do, crunch time tomorrow as I have to actually do it. I think perhaps I should get up nice and early, the poor dog hasn't had a proper walk all weekend either. Early start, good walk, and get the first report finished before everyone wakes up. Stop laughing, dear reader....!

Day 16 - I love my bed

I really do love my bed. It's enormous, and it's squashy, and I have a lovely thick duvet on it so that I feel totally cocooned when I curl up in it. I also love sleeping. I suppose now that I don't drink any more, its my favourite hobby. One side effect of sobriety has been that my sleep quality is increasing, but also that I don't have much trouble settling down now. Although my goal of getting up at 6am has moved to 7am, going to bed by 10 has been easy - in fact it's been a pleasure.

Tell the truth, I've been upstairs by half 8 all week, reading with SmallPerson while hubby is away, sharing lights out time and the duvet with her. It's been lovely.

What's unusual about all this is that I have a ton of work to do, and normally I would be really stressed out and sitting here in the evening working on it. My ability to shut off at 6pm and spend time with my daughter, do a few things around the house, and just relax, is a new one and I think a positive thing. I'm just generally more relaxed, going with the flow a little more. I even lay in the long grass today for a few minutes when I was out with the dog, and didn't feel TOO guilty about taking my time going back to work.

I'm also taking a lot more care of myself, which I don't think is a conscious decision, but more perhaps that I like myself a bit more so think I'm worth it. Things have been happening with nail varnish and moisturiser! I definitely think my skin looks a bit plumper, though it's still pretty uneven in tone - perhaps that's just the way it is anyway though. I'm not really a makeup person but I'm sure a  bit of foundation would sort it out if I really started to care.

The sign up sheet for the school summer fair went up today. I nabbed the position I have always wanted without thinking - running the beer and pimms stand for an hour. Whoops. Still, it'll be sort of interesting to look at how much people drink, and who drinks, and who comes back for a second one. Last year, I was the person coming back for a third and wishing it was my job to sit there and pour it out! I'm not nervous that it will make me want to drink, and I hope my confidence lasts.

Day 15 - Green spots

Yesterday was a really productive day after my early start, caffeine got me through the wall mid afternoon and Things Got Done. I was flaked out in bed with SmallPerson by 9pm though, and slept through until 7 today.

Today - I'm basically compensating for it by being useless. Work is going so very slowly (I have so much to do, can't afford to slack like this!), and I'm covered in spots of green paint because I keep running outside to spend '5 minutes' treating the shed. I look like I have some sort of terrible disease. Not sure if I should wash it off before the school run, or try to scare the children a little bit?

I did take the dog for a very long walk, which he needed, but I've not managed to unload the tumble dryer or do the washing up, which is a bit pathetic. Oh, and that work stuff. Not done that either.

On a day like this 'before' I would probably have called it a day and had a glass of wine about now - it would be relatively unusual for me to drink during 'work hours' but I did tend to do it when I was trying to excuse myself for taking it easy. It's hard now to just allow myself to have a bit of an off day, and accept that these things happen and it doesn't make me a total failure as a human being. When I'm not drinking, I have to keep thinking, and thinking isn't always my friend. I tend to do too much of it.

It feels good to have made it 2 weeks, but when I'm in a less positive mindset it also feels a bit pathetic and pointless. Only 2 weeks? I could blow it all in a second without thinking about it - one moment of 'oh, fuck it' when there's alcohol within reach. It's a drop in the ocean (hah!) when compared to the rest of my life - I might have to be sober for the next 40 years. I don't know why that's such a scary thought really. The reasons for not drinking aren't going to change, all that changes is that as time passes I might forget just how bad drinking made me feel.

My memories of alcohol aren't especially positive. I don't even know if I like the taste of it, when I think about it properly. The things I did and said when drunk were often negative, the way I felt the next day definitely so. But this damn Gin Goblin still likes to think that maybe, one day, I'll be on top of it and be able to 'moderate' my drinking, despite all the evidence to the contrary. I know I won't. I know one drink will never be enough for me.

I'm not about to give in, but I wish I could reprogram myself a little more easily!