Twenty Something

More than 3 weeks, closing in on 4, and at that happy point where without counting I can't tell you exactly how many days it is. I've not really had any serious cravings or second thoughts, until last night; I had a really stressful day at work (things are not going entirely brilliantly financially) and wanted to just fall face down into a bucket of gin when I got home. But I'm pleased to say I gave myself a pep talk - the Gin Goblin might help me to escape from my worries for an evening but it would also stop me from taking action to actually change the situation. So I stayed sober and worked through the evening instead, which was clearly more productive.

I'm feeling quite sorry for myself at the moment. I fell over on Friday (yeah, sober, what are the odds?) and hurt myself quite badly although nothing broken. Lost the weekend to mild concussion and I still ache all over which is stopping me from sleeping too well. Right now I'm working, but in my pyjamas, and vaguely contemplating how nice it would be to go back to bed. I think tonight I'm gone at 8pm with a good book - just need to keep going until then. Moan moan moan.

I'm not especially noting any huge benefits of sobriety this time around - but perhaps that's because I've been too focused on my recent one woman pity party. I'm getting things done, I guess, but I'm still waking up headachey and fuzzy. Who knew - you can get the effects of alcohol without actually spending money on it!

The next big test for me will be Friday - a night alone in a hotel in a strange city. I'm taking my camera and hoping to get some good architectural shots, and I'll be checking out the local sushi bars. Then I'll get some sleep like the sensible thing I am!

Nineteen

It's funny how the first few days seem to go so slowly, but here I am now closing in rapidly on 3 weeks of sobriety. I know it's hardly any time at all, but suddenly goals like a month don't seem so very hard at all. There's definitely something about that first week - and especially Day 3 - which is uniquely tough.

My mood has stabilised somewhat since Monday. I'm still a bit up and down, but also a bit more rational and a bit less tearful. We had an even worse morning with Ellie yesterday but I stayed calm and in control of it, even though we ended up being an hour late in to school. I definitely coped much better.

I was working overnight in London last night and found myself half an hour before closing in a pub which is basically my idea of heaven - former CAMRA pub of the year, and 20 real ales behind the bar. I had a diet coke, and only wanted beer a tiny bit. Not so much that I even for a moment contemplated actually ordering one; so that was a victory. And good to know I don't have to miss out on sitting in pubs reading books, which I do think is one of life's pleasures!

I'm absolutely shattered today, lack of sleep, probably got 5 hours in a very uncomfortable bed. My neck and shoulders have been hurting as I think I've been hunching up from all the stresses of the last few weeks. And I have to be on the road at 6am tomorrow for another insanely long day. I've managed to get a good bit of work done today but it's busy, and so I feel like I'm falling behind (I am!). It's a juggling act at the moment to meet deadlines and set reasonable expectations - there's nothing I can't finish, but finishing things by Friday when I won't get back to the office until Monday afternoon is looking sort of impossible.

Keep breathing.

Seventeen

I'm assuming it's good that I'm not as reliant on my blog as my sobriety outlet this time around...right? There's something comforting about having done this before - I know I can, at least for 6 months - but there's something scary about what comes after that. Can I keep it up this time? Forever is a scary thing.

Survived the trip home. E was a bit of a pain, wouldn't really go out or do anything and we had a few meltdowns to contend with. On the plus side, I had a day out walking on the coast while mum looked after her (thanks mum!) and I chugged multiple Nanny States each evening and avoided the lovely village local and its lovely, lovely beer.

I feel as though I've been very bad tempered and impatient with E, her quirks and features (I don't want to say her 'disability' but it does seem like the right word to use sometimes) make everything seem like a battle, a struggle, sometimes. I was in tears this morning trying to get her ready for school on time despite us having been up for 2 hours. I don't know if this is just part of withdrawal, or me just not coping with life generally. I feel quite selfish, there are things I want to do! I want a normal life with a child who does what they are told and takes less than an hour to put a sock on! Bwaaaaah!

As a woman who has to have a plan, I have a plan. I'm going to try to be calmer, and if I still feel like this next time I see the GP it might be time to finally change my medication (been on the same ones for 14 years now).

I'm not going to drink gin, however much I desperately want to. I'm definitely guilty of self-medicating in the past but I can't blame my drinking issues on family life - they have been there all along. There always seems to be something that needs to be dulled.

Clients at work are being pushy and impatient too. I feel like bursting into tears and telling them I AM doing my work, but I'm only one person, and would they just BACK THE FUCK OFF.

Perhaps I AM a little out of whack at the moment!! ;)

Day 11. Cravings and weirdness

Day 11. More cravings today. Not so much that I'll give in, but I have been thinking about alcohol a lot more today and feeling quite anxious about never drinking again. This will pass, I know. I'm telling myself that it's a choice - that I can choose to drink if I want to - but that the sensible part of me knows that would be a bad choice. Nobody is saying 'no', what is actually happening is me saying 'No, thanks, not today'.

My brain is waking up a lot, but my motivation is lagging behind - if I was in a mood to write, to work, I could absolutely kill it. But my focus is on my hobby (photography) rather than my job at the moment and I'm having to try to rein it in and actually get some paying work out of the door.

Off to Cornwall to see my mum tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to. I've not been home since last summer and I could do with a dose of sea air. Going to stock up on Nanny State and pretend I never liked the local beers anyway!

Nothing much else to report. Better sleep last night. I do have one weird physical thing going on at the moment but I can't imagine how it can possibly be linked to alcohol, unless that in turn can do something wacky to your hormones? Hopefully a few days of R&R will see me come back to real life next week with a bit more enthusiasm for everything...

Day 9 - The Storm

Day 9 already. This time around, I seem to have arrived here entirely without drama, without needing to really reach out or hold myself back. It's a little too easy - but I know that Gin Goblin all too well so I mustn't become complacent.

I'm going to visit my mum later in the week, so will go through several of my drinking triggers there - both socially and emotionally. Mum's on board with supporting me though, she won't offer me a drink! Thinking back, though, last time I was sober I remember having a sip of the sherry I poured her and then deciding I didn't want any, anyway.

The storm isn't an emotional one, it's the actual weather. We were promised heavy snow starting 10pm last night and lasting 24 hours. There's no snow - what we have instead is 60mph winds which haven't let up all night. The letterbox and the cat flap banging are driving the dog mad, and I've had about 5 hours' sleep. Hubs is sleeping soundly upstairs (it's his turn to sleep in), and I'm downstairs with E trying to get off the sofa.

I'm still lacking motivation in a big way. I have things I need to do this weekend, things I have been putting off for ages. I could easily keep myself busy today with little jobs around the house before we even start thinking about the work things that are piling up too! Being up early means I could get so much done, so why am I under a blanket on the sofa, waiting for hubs to get up so that I can sneak back to bed for an hour?

This all sounds really negative - actually I'm...well, I'm not full of the joys, but I'm feeling pretty neutral. Everything is 'ok'. I have a day off work tomorrow for my photography class, so need to spend some time today getting my most recent work together for review, and I'll be spending tomorrow with friends. Focus on the positive...one of those friends is Sober R who has been great, checking in on me daily and sympathising with the rough parts. I think having seen what he has achieved has helped to motivate me to do this again.

Day 6

Hello, world.

I don't really know what I want to write about today, I suppose I'm just checking in. It'll be a week tomorrow which feels both like a big milestone, and a small one - but mainly I'm focusing on just doing this one day at a time.

My brain is definitely starting to wake up again. I managed to figure something out in Photoshop last night which has eluded me for the past 12 months, and I'm about to launch into some fairly technical stuff at work which isn't too daunting. I'm lacking a bit of mojo for work at the moment but I've been like that all year if the truth be told. Hoping that will come back, as I start to come back too.

Sleep is still an issue. I'm tending to drop off around 1am, and I have to be up at 6.30 to get E ready for school (you have never seen anyone move as slowly in the morning as her!). Definitely feeling like I'm crawling towards Saturday and the promise of no alarm clock...I have been going to bed around 10pm and reading for a bit but sleep eludes me even when I do everything 'right'.

Yesterday evening I had to battle some pretty big cravings. I think I was as close to cracking as I have come so far. Not really sure what triggered it other than that I was tired, running my bath, and thought how nice it would be to soak and drink. Sober Friend R has recommended Eisberg as being a reasonably acceptable alternative but I do remember trying it last time around and loathing it. I think perhaps a year of sobriety has made him forget what wine actually tastes like ;)

Anyway, I decided there wasn't anything in the house that I liked well enough to break my streak for - there is gin, but happily I'm not dreadfully keen on it, some sort of strange yellowish 'bathtub' gin. I tried to distract myself on r/stopdrinking but reading about other people's benders just made me want what they had been drinking! In the end I just went to bed with a book, and that did the trick.

I have a meeting / cake session at 3pm today with a client, so it's a short day at least. Best get on with it!

Day 4

Day 4. Insomnia struck last night, and the night before, so I took a ZzzQuil at 1 am each time. Today I slept until 11am and am still walking around the office like a zombie (luckily, I'm the boss, so I can get away with it!). Entertained to note that I took one a couple of weeks back and felt it did nothing - I guess that's another sign of how booze was affecting my brain.

I feel like a bit of an observer at the moment rather than actually living in my body. It's not unpleasant, just different. I'm cutting myself a lot of slack and trying to be kind and positive in my inner monologue. Things like tidying the house, weeding the garden - they aren't the most important things and I refuse to beat myself up about them, for now. I'm promising that in a few weeks time, when the weather improves and so do I, I'll have tons of energy to tackle all of those jobs I have avoided for the past 12 months.

I feel much more confident and comfortable at this point than I did last time - perhaps because I know I can do it, and because I know what to expect? Perhaps because, having failed once before, I now accept that I'm an all or nothing person and just shouldn't drink? Perhaps because I've seen my friend ace it for a year now and can see the real difference it has made to him.

I also don't have to do quite as much soul searching. I know what my triggers for drinking are (stress and boredom) and when my danger points are (evenings, weekend afternoons), and I've got my strategies in place (Nanny State n/a beers and early nights). It's just a case of ticking off the days until I don't feel I have to tick them off any more.

The big change since last time around is that we now understand that our daughter has Asperger syndrome; that's why her behaviour was starting to get so difficult around the time I was going sober last time. I don't for a second blame that for me starting to drink again - but I know I'll probably be better equipped to help her if I'm fully present. I'm going to need energy to fight for her, calm her, support her, and fill in the endless forms. It's an added incentive!

Right. I guess I should do some work!

Miss me?

Okay, okay, I'm back. It's Day 3. And this time I mean it. I'm done. I spent Thursday and Friday night absolutely hammering it, barely felt drunk, barely felt hungover. What a waste of money and effort, and all just to feel shitty about how much I'm drinking again.

The friend I mentioned, who I inspired with my 6 months sober stint, just made it to his 1 year Soberversary (well done, R!). So I really don't have any excuses any more.

I'd forgotten how crap Day 3 is. I'm tired, my head is thumping, and I would bite your hand off for a glass of wine right about now. Or half a pint of Baileys. Either would be fine. But I'm hanging out on r/stopdrinking which is good for a bit of anon support and gnashing of teeth, and feeling pretty confident. I keep just saying to myself, "I don't drink". Eventually, I'll say it out loud to someone, and believe it.

I know I can do it. I know I can. I've done it before. This time, I also know I have to KEEP doing it. There are no half measures (hahahaha) for me. That last symbolic sip of neat gin from the bottle on Saturday morning, and the goodbye I said as I poured the rest down the sink - that was it. This love affair is OVER and my broken heart will mend.

If any of you are still out there and reading, I hope you're doing well! I'll try to check in on all the blogs I was following over the next few days too.

And if you're reading this and patting yourself on the back for staying sober for a month / 6 months / a year and figuring you can handle a drink now? It's your decision - but be careful. Sure, I've had a year of drinking but I can't say I have anything to show for it except a bigger waistline and less money. My life hasn't been terribly enhanced by it. Make your decision carefully.

Onwards!

Day 2. The Zork.

Day 2, which represents progress in relation to all the other Day 1s there have been lately.

Nothing much to report - just working working working, and tired, and thinking of bed soon. I tried to drink some Tescos Alcohol Free fizzy wine but couldn't open it - it appears to be sealed with something called a Zork - and nobody in this household can work out how the hell to get it open. Advice, please? :)

Fortunately I have plenty of Nanny State. Feeling relaxed. Not bothered about drinking/not drinking tonight. Wish I had cake, though.

Day 99

It's day 99.

And you know what? I actually had to look that up, because I stopped counting days long ago. I've been really lax at writing here but actually I take that as a good sign as it means I've not been constantly having booze thoughts and needing to vent about it! The worst thing has been that I'm not up to speed with all of the blogs I was following - I promise to try to remedy that.

Last week I took part in an "Intuitive Recovery" course that my ADS counsellor had recommended me for. It was much more interesting than I thought it would be - people from all walks of life, different substances, different stages of recovery (some only thinking about it). I felt a bit guilty being able to sit there and say I hadn't used for 3 months, when some were still staring down the barrel of day 1. But I hope the fact that I could do it and I was still standing upright was helpful!

At the end of the course, the instructor asked us to say aloud "I will never drink/use again" just to see how it made us feel. I was the only one who could say it without a caveat -but it made me want to cry. It felt almost like a break up or a bereavement. It's over. I won't see the gin goblin again. I thought he was the one but he turned out to be a bastard.

I was then challenged to add "and I will NEVER change my mind". Never. That's a scary word. But I said it. I meant it.

The big difference the IR course made to me was that it helped me understand a bit about how I'd trained my brain to think I needed alcohol for survival, above even food and warmth. And it helped me understand that if I keep on saying no to the cravings I can train it back again, and those cravings will get fewer and fewer. The trick, apparently. is to not even enter into that internal debate with the craving - just tell it to fuck off, and it'll pass within a couple of minutes. If you debate with it, you feed it.

The bottle of wine that has been in the fridge since my birthday is open; hubby says he has been using it for cooking and hasn't drunk any. I consider this a travesty and have told him to bloody drink some. I have a vivid memory of last night pouring a glass and having a big gulp, holding it in my mouth, trying to decide if I liked it or not (I did!). Then pouring the rest of the glass away. There's no glass on the drainer, the bottle looked as full as it did yesterday, so I guess it was just a dream. But I had to actually check on those things to be sure. I could taste it.

I've been really depressed the last few days and it's a bit disappointing to realise that it can still happen now that I'm not bringing myself down with alcohol. I'm also still a lard arse! But maybe these things will change given more time. My skin is amazing, and in a certain part of town you can see my Size 18 form wrapped in blue satin on the cover of a magazine this month - I never imagined I'd be a cover girl! Yes, this has really happened, it's an actual magazine made of paper 'n' everything.

When I'm not in a glum mood, I can get up in the morning feeling fine. I can drive and know I'm safe. I have discovered photography, and through it some amazing people and places as well as what seems to be a new talent. And I can go for a night out, with people who are drinking, and have just as good a time as they are. And THEN drive them home and call them at 8am just to tease them ;)

If you're on Day 1, or Day 0, and reading this, I know you can't believe me yet. It's so hard just to start, and every day is one foot in front of the other. But honestly, it's not been easy and there have been so many times when I've thought a drink would help me out, but I've survived. I'm here on Day 99 just like that. And although it's not been easy, it's really not been THAT hard. It's ok. It's worth it.

What happens next? Well, ADS have discharged me. I still need to work on my mental health generally but at least now it's clearer who I actually am. I still have to let go of all of the regrets of how (despite all my achievements) maybe I could have done MORE and BETTER if I were sober - and just channel that into doing more and better now! But I'm also still learning to be kind to myself, to accept that some days it just ain't happening and that's being human.

I know that in the future that voice in my head will tell me to have just the one. I know there will be times when I'm really tempted, when people put a drink in my hand and egg me on. But I'll deal with that when it comes.

Still standing

Life is slowly returning to normal - thanks to those of you who commented on my last post. School begins again in a week, Hubs and myself are both back to work tomorrow, routine is beginning to kick in. The Small One is still suffering but it seems that the root of the problem is anxiety, which she was masking with anger and violence; we all feel much better now that nobody is screaming, and I'm not being beaten up!

Many sessions with the psych to follow, I suppose, but we are feeling our way through and managing to parent in shifts during the tougher times, and seem to have achieved a level of 'normal' which is bearable if not quite as easy as it once was.

I'm trying not to link SmallPerson's issues with any of my own, but it's hard not to. I drank when I was pregnant - very little, especially compared to my excesses in times both before and after my pregnancy, but probably a couple of times a week (only ever one drink at a time). At the time and long after I figured what the heck, she's fine, but when something like this happens it's very easy to blame yourself - especially when you'll never know the answer. Hell, does MY anxiety and borderline ASD stem from my own mother's drinking during her pregnancy? Again she wasn't a hellraiser, she wanted the best for me. Who knows if it has any effect?

Or perhaps I'm just beating myself up a little (a lot), because suddenly my perfect family isn't quite so damn perfect any more and I don't know what went wrong with it. Perhaps we were never all that perfect but I was so focused on ME being the one with the problems that I didn't notice it creeping up on her.

I am a bit low at the moment. My plans for a grand summer by the seaside totally failed, all the great things we were going to do, the fun we'd have. Here we are at the end of it, tired and stressed and with no good memories, nothing much achieved. A summer to forget, to be washed away by what has felt like near constant rain.

I should feel as though through all of it, the fact I've managed to remain sober is some sort of shining beacon. If I can stay sober through this shit, I've got it sorted. But somehow I even feel grouchy and depressed about that, what's the big deal, other people do it without expecting a fanfare after all.

Oh, some other stuff did happen. I got that tattoo - which really didn't hurt all that much, and which I really like, even if nobody else around me seems to. I've also joined a photography club and a couple of times now walked into a room full of strangers and come out feeling like I made friends. That's quite a big deal for me - plus it turns out I occasionally take a decent photo.

But for now I have to go. SmallPerson had a book on the stairs, I moved it, and a freak out is in progress. Yay.

Day 50 - Pads, PAWS and Claws.

If I'm counting properly, I think that this is Day 50. I'm quite surprised, and also very proud of myself. I didn't think I would make it this far. A huge THANK YOU to all my blog-friends who have been there to help me through and encourage me!

I sound like someone giving an Oscars speech, like the prize has been won. It's interesting to me that there is no 'end' to this movie - or is there? Is there a celebration to be had at the end of every single day that I remain sober?

I'm feeling absolutely lousy at the moment - almost like I have a hangover which seems remarkably unfair considering. My back aches, my mind is fuzzy, my stomach is hollow and queasy, my mind is fuzzy. I just want to crawl back into bed. Not sure if this is PAWS or 'The Wall' (or are they the same thing?). It does become easy at this point to blame anything that goes wrong with the body or mind on sobriety, I suppose because there's comfort in thinking you know what is going on.

I know the correct answer to this is to be kind to myself - and I really am trying - but it's just so busy at the moment I can't slack off for a few days yet. I'm probably taking Friday off for a day out, and I'm definitely sleeping all day on Saturday, but I have to keep going until then.

We were out in London on Saturday night, and getting a cab back to the station after the theatre (which I can afford, now I'm not drinking!) was interesting - so many people late at night, stood on the street drinking. So many of them who probably felt rough as a badger's arse on Sunday morning. I looked at them and wondered where the pleasure was in what they were doing, tried to remember, and I honestly couldn't.

The flip side of that observation, though, was that when we went for a meal in Carluccios, a place I always associate with a large glass of white wine, I felt almost hypnotised by the glasses on the table until they were removed after we didn't order anything to go in them. Was that because of the habit of drinking wine in that place? Am I just a snobby alcoholic who considers herself too good to stand around on the street drinking from a plastic pint pot?

In the old days, I'd have had a glass of wine or two on the train, another with the meal, maybe two, two more at the theatre, and something when we got back to the B&B. Because it was spread out over 12 hours, I would consider that it wasn't that much. Interesting how none of those are just one drink.....!

My hands no longer shake.

I'm still great at procrastinating though. Back to work!!

A better start

I just wanted to quickly post something positive, as I have been a bit of a moaning minnie all week. The day has started well, SmallPerson was surprisingly pleasant this morning - I don't know whether that was cutting out the purple drinks, or not letting her have her ipad in the evening, but whatever it was it's like a small miracle has occurred. Long may it continue.

I'm still sober. And I am reminding myself that however much I might want to beat myself up for my many failings, that's one HUGE failing I no longer have. Yay me!

Have a lovely friday and thanks for putting up with me!

Day 45 Lard arse

Today I do not feel good about myself. Apparently I not only suck at doing my job and managing my time, I'm also the worlds worst mother. Oh, and then I caught sight of my naked self in the mirror. Holy heiffers, Batman.

I stopped weighing last year and I don't intend to start again. But I wonder if I can harness sober me to do another good thing for myself and try to get in shape and make better food choices. Am I asking too much of myself on top of the sobriety, and setting myself up to fail? Or am I setting myself up to succeed because it will be a nice thing to do for myself?

My problems are time and motivation. My boobs are too big for running. Swimming takes time, and planning. I don't really want to pay for a gym at least until winter. Also I like food.  

There's an opportunity coming up, a month away from home and hubby's cooking, by the sea for early morning jogging with the dog. I neèd to take it. But without a number on the scales how do I keep going. It won't bring instant rewards like sobriety did. 

This sounds like me talking myself into sobriety all over again. So. One day at a time?

A bucket of wine

Today has been basically horrible. We were meant to be going to a theme park for the day - planned for weeks, big day out, think to look forward to. Unfortunately SmallPerson's chronic procrastination accompanied by rudeness and screaming meant that I had to follow through after I said 'if you're not ready and downstairs in 10 minutes we aren't going'.

There was a lot more to it than that, but all I'm left with now is the feeling that I'm somehow a bad parent - even though I know drawing a line is good parenting. But I ruined my day as well and oh man was it draining dealing with a couple of hours of that and not erupting like Vesuvius.

We ended up going to my office instead, where I sent my other employee home at lunchtime as I was so ratty I was scared I was going to start snapping at him too. SP was as sulky as you would expect and I just could NOT concentrate on anything. So it's all been one big waste of time and effort.

I'm just wrecked now, can't think, exhausted, really down. I could open a bottle of wine right now and just gulp it. Who needs a glass?

I'm gulping AF beer instead and trying to forget that hubs has a chilled bottle of white in the fridge. This is one of those big test moments. But right now being able to switch off and numb it all really does feel like a very good idea.

I'll try to post something more positive tomorrow I promise!

Scaling The Wall

It's been 6 weeks today since I made the decision to give up drinking. So small in the grand scheme of things but also so monumental.

I'm in danger of getting complacent. The buzz of sobriety has worn off, I'm stressed with juggling work and school holidays, trying to be a good businesswoman and a good mum, and of course not getting either of them quite right. It's a high risk time....and then I read in Sober Mummy's blog that the relapse 'wall' is typically between Day 46 and Day 120 and I am staring right at it.

That's 74 days of danger, if you want to believe what I'm assuming isn't a precise and scientifically proven time period ;) 74 days of danger, compared to 42 days of relative ease so far. That's a hellish long time to be facing.

I have a sort of emergency plan in place, but I'm away from home for the whole of August so access to meetings etc won't be happening. All I really have is you lot, and a couple of people I can text, and willpower. I'm scared, and I feel threatened by this notional bad patch.

Maybe it won't be that bad - maybe it's because I've been up since 5am and am absolutely knackered that I'm being so negative.

On my way home I plan to buy as much AF beer as I can carry! :)

Save me

It's Sunday morning and I'm sitting in a soft play centre surrounded by women I don't know and their terribly loud children. There are a few people here I ought to talk to just to be polite (friends of the in laws) but currently I'm working on the theory that they can start the conversation if they think we ought to chat!

Admittedly sat here in my corner staring at the iPad I'm not sending out very social signals but hey. 

SmallPerson seems to have reached the age where parties are smaller, quieter affairs. I'm glad as places like this are basically my idea of hell. There's not even any wine! It's just inhumane. I'm looking at the other mums and wondering if any of them are like me, or like I was. Wishing they had a glass to help them through this horror. Or are any of the others quietly remembering when that would have been their main thought, when they would have been counting the minutes to return home and have a 'well earned' glass or three for putting up with this?

Only an hour to go. Ugh. 

I am noticing that the thoughts of alcohol are a bit stronger at the moment. I'm still not ready to open a bottle but I seem to have noticed its absence a bit more this last week. Out for lunch yesterday and there was a nice cold bottle looking at me. Friday night wanting to just forget the slightly rubbishy week that had just ended. Today, when I am beating myself up for all the unfinished projects and the state of the house. 

This too shall pass. Hand my my diet coke, stat!

The Bitch is Back

One thing about being sober is that I can no longer blame the less wonderful aspects of my personality on my drinking.

I'd like to think I'm a nice person - I'm kind, I try to think of others, I lack a lot of social skills but I try to treat others as I would like to be treated. Despite this I do sometimes lack patience.

There have been a couple of times this week where I've just lost my temper with people - I've been polite and not raised my email (or TYPED IN CAPITALS) but I've had to be a little...well, firm I suppose is the word.

Actually you know what? Reflecting on it, I'm quite happy that by the time I got firm, I'd played nice and been helpful quite enough - but what annoyed me was when people continued to fail to do their job (or expected me to do it for them!). Interestingly, I don't feel too bad about it, I don't think I've been rude or unreasonable. So perhaps this is a good thing - old me would have been chewing on it and feeling bad.

I suppose I also take it sometimes without it upsetting me - I can be a bit clueless and the people who work with me occasionally sit me down and tell me what they need from me. Perhaps they are quietly gnashing their teeth as they smile nicely and talk to me in short sentences!

I'm also dealing with some drama - not mine, but a friend who is a total drama queen. They have had a big row with their partner but this means it's OVER FOREVER WAAAAAAH rather than just that the other party is too pissed off to reply to their texts right now. I'm trying so hard to be nice, and supportive, but I am also trying to say to them - relax, apologise, and wait. Just wait.

Maybe I'd be different if it was my own drama, but waiting to see what the Universe does about it seems to be about the only course of action available sometimes.

I'm off to London tonight to see this which I am really looking forward to. I'm told the cocktails are amazing. I hope they have something interesting but AF for me!

A nice thing happened.

I am not a small person. Size 16-18, bum and boobs. I gave up weighing about a year ago as I decided I didn't want to keep beating myself up about being who I am, so my main means of knowing which way my body is heading is through my clothes.

I also try very hard not to say anything negative about my body in front of SmallPerson - mum always struggled with her weight when I was growing up, she had a drawer full of diet books and did everything from Weight Watchers to the Cambridge Diet via F Plan. That insecurity passed on to me, and I'm determined it's not going any further!

Put on a pair of trousers which have been a bit tight this morning - still a bit tight but I thought not as bad and made a comment like 'oh, my Wine Belly must be shrinking'. Small hugged me and said 'Yes, when I hug you my fingers touch now!'.

Aww. I'm still waiting for the loss of the empty calories to make me Size 14 overnight by magic, but that will do for today.

Grumpy tired post

I did not sleep well last night...SmallPerson was in the bed, Hubs was snoring like a rhino with a megaphone, and me? Perched on the edge of the (super king!) bed. I kept waking up. My brain was buzzing. So today I'm knackered and to be honest, if hubs were home, I'd be in the bath by now and thinking about sleep.

I'm still beating myself up for being behind at work, but trying to remind myself that I did plenty today and it's okay to spend an evening sitting on the sofa - not making curtains, not studying, not doing anything. This is ok. Giving in on this day and going to bed is okay.

School holidays next week, which stresses me out too - guilt at needing to put Small into holiday club, guilt at not doing something amazing when we are together. We are at my mum's near the beach for a month in the middle of it, which will be great, but this year I need to get my act together to show Small some of the 'tourist' things about my homeland which I take for granted. I ought to make a list, even a plan, to stop myself just wasting the time, sitting on the laptop and working and missing the opportunity.

I like lists. But tonight, too tired to make one.

Seeing the alcohol counsellor tomorrow. Wonder if I will unlock a new level in the 'secret stuff for recovering addicts' game? :)