More than 3 weeks, closing in on 4, and at that happy point where without counting I can't tell you exactly how many days it is. I've not really had any serious cravings or second thoughts, until last night; I had a really stressful day at work (things are not going entirely brilliantly financially) and wanted to just fall face down into a bucket of gin when I got home. But I'm pleased to say I gave myself a pep talk - the Gin Goblin might help me to escape from my worries for an evening but it would also stop me from taking action to actually change the situation. So I stayed sober and worked through the evening instead, which was clearly more productive.
I'm feeling quite sorry for myself at the moment. I fell over on Friday (yeah, sober, what are the odds?) and hurt myself quite badly although nothing broken. Lost the weekend to mild concussion and I still ache all over which is stopping me from sleeping too well. Right now I'm working, but in my pyjamas, and vaguely contemplating how nice it would be to go back to bed. I think tonight I'm gone at 8pm with a good book - just need to keep going until then. Moan moan moan.
I'm not especially noting any huge benefits of sobriety this time around - but perhaps that's because I've been too focused on my recent one woman pity party. I'm getting things done, I guess, but I'm still waking up headachey and fuzzy. Who knew - you can get the effects of alcohol without actually spending money on it!
The next big test for me will be Friday - a night alone in a hotel in a strange city. I'm taking my camera and hoping to get some good architectural shots, and I'll be checking out the local sushi bars. Then I'll get some sleep like the sensible thing I am!
Showing posts with label off day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label off day. Show all posts
Tuesday, 28 February 2017
Monday, 20 February 2017
Seventeen
I'm assuming it's good that I'm not as reliant on my blog as my sobriety outlet this time around...right? There's something comforting about having done this before - I know I can, at least for 6 months - but there's something scary about what comes after that. Can I keep it up this time? Forever is a scary thing.
Survived the trip home. E was a bit of a pain, wouldn't really go out or do anything and we had a few meltdowns to contend with. On the plus side, I had a day out walking on the coast while mum looked after her (thanks mum!) and I chugged multiple Nanny States each evening and avoided the lovely village local and its lovely, lovely beer.
I feel as though I've been very bad tempered and impatient with E, her quirks and features (I don't want to say her 'disability' but it does seem like the right word to use sometimes) make everything seem like a battle, a struggle, sometimes. I was in tears this morning trying to get her ready for school on time despite us having been up for 2 hours. I don't know if this is just part of withdrawal, or me just not coping with life generally. I feel quite selfish, there are things I want to do! I want a normal life with a child who does what they are told and takes less than an hour to put a sock on! Bwaaaaah!
As a woman who has to have a plan, I have a plan. I'm going to try to be calmer, and if I still feel like this next time I see the GP it might be time to finally change my medication (been on the same ones for 14 years now).
I'm not going to drink gin, however much I desperately want to. I'm definitely guilty of self-medicating in the past but I can't blame my drinking issues on family life - they have been there all along. There always seems to be something that needs to be dulled.
Clients at work are being pushy and impatient too. I feel like bursting into tears and telling them I AM doing my work, but I'm only one person, and would they just BACK THE FUCK OFF.
Perhaps I AM a little out of whack at the moment!! ;)
Survived the trip home. E was a bit of a pain, wouldn't really go out or do anything and we had a few meltdowns to contend with. On the plus side, I had a day out walking on the coast while mum looked after her (thanks mum!) and I chugged multiple Nanny States each evening and avoided the lovely village local and its lovely, lovely beer.
I feel as though I've been very bad tempered and impatient with E, her quirks and features (I don't want to say her 'disability' but it does seem like the right word to use sometimes) make everything seem like a battle, a struggle, sometimes. I was in tears this morning trying to get her ready for school on time despite us having been up for 2 hours. I don't know if this is just part of withdrawal, or me just not coping with life generally. I feel quite selfish, there are things I want to do! I want a normal life with a child who does what they are told and takes less than an hour to put a sock on! Bwaaaaah!
As a woman who has to have a plan, I have a plan. I'm going to try to be calmer, and if I still feel like this next time I see the GP it might be time to finally change my medication (been on the same ones for 14 years now).
I'm not going to drink gin, however much I desperately want to. I'm definitely guilty of self-medicating in the past but I can't blame my drinking issues on family life - they have been there all along. There always seems to be something that needs to be dulled.
Clients at work are being pushy and impatient too. I feel like bursting into tears and telling them I AM doing my work, but I'm only one person, and would they just BACK THE FUCK OFF.
Perhaps I AM a little out of whack at the moment!! ;)
Wednesday, 27 April 2016
Guess what? Day 1!
It's another Day 1.
Monday, I didn't drink, and it wasn't a struggle. But what I'm noticing is that I'm comparing "current me" to "really bad drinking" me, and using that as an excuse to keep drinking. And I suspect being able to make excuses is a sign of ...something....
Yesterday was a very fucked up day in many ways. Some great things happened, some downright horrible things happened. So when I got home I had a G&T. And a beer. And a glass of wine.
Yeah. No excuses for that, really, are there?
I'm on a bit of a self improvement kick in other ways. I went for a run yesterday (I don't think I will do it again. It was horrible). I've been getting up at 5.30am to work and making sure I'm in bed by 10pm which has been working surprisingly well. But today - Didn't get up until 6.30am (lazybones!), and not feeling too motivated. I don't feel ill, but I'm tired, and I'm grumpy, and that'll be a hangover I guess.
When I was considering it this morning, what I realised was it didn't help me at all. What helped me last night was talking to the person who had upset me, and discovering that whilst I had cause to be upset, it wasn't quite as bad as I had taken it to be.
Also - did I enjoy any of those drinks? I don't think I did. I don't think any of them tasted especially wonderful, I don't remember sitting and just savouring one and thinking "Oh, that's nice".
When I sobered up last year (for 6 months!!) I'd been considering it and finding excuses not to do it for a while, and when it happened I felt 'ready' for it. I feel ready again, now.
Monday, I didn't drink, and it wasn't a struggle. But what I'm noticing is that I'm comparing "current me" to "really bad drinking" me, and using that as an excuse to keep drinking. And I suspect being able to make excuses is a sign of ...something....
Yesterday was a very fucked up day in many ways. Some great things happened, some downright horrible things happened. So when I got home I had a G&T. And a beer. And a glass of wine.
Yeah. No excuses for that, really, are there?
I'm on a bit of a self improvement kick in other ways. I went for a run yesterday (I don't think I will do it again. It was horrible). I've been getting up at 5.30am to work and making sure I'm in bed by 10pm which has been working surprisingly well. But today - Didn't get up until 6.30am (lazybones!), and not feeling too motivated. I don't feel ill, but I'm tired, and I'm grumpy, and that'll be a hangover I guess.
When I was considering it this morning, what I realised was it didn't help me at all. What helped me last night was talking to the person who had upset me, and discovering that whilst I had cause to be upset, it wasn't quite as bad as I had taken it to be.
Also - did I enjoy any of those drinks? I don't think I did. I don't think any of them tasted especially wonderful, I don't remember sitting and just savouring one and thinking "Oh, that's nice".
When I sobered up last year (for 6 months!!) I'd been considering it and finding excuses not to do it for a while, and when it happened I felt 'ready' for it. I feel ready again, now.
Sunday, 23 August 2015
Still standing
Life is slowly returning to normal - thanks to those of you who commented on my last post. School begins again in a week, Hubs and myself are both back to work tomorrow, routine is beginning to kick in. The Small One is still suffering but it seems that the root of the problem is anxiety, which she was masking with anger and violence; we all feel much better now that nobody is screaming, and I'm not being beaten up!
Many sessions with the psych to follow, I suppose, but we are feeling our way through and managing to parent in shifts during the tougher times, and seem to have achieved a level of 'normal' which is bearable if not quite as easy as it once was.
I'm trying not to link SmallPerson's issues with any of my own, but it's hard not to. I drank when I was pregnant - very little, especially compared to my excesses in times both before and after my pregnancy, but probably a couple of times a week (only ever one drink at a time). At the time and long after I figured what the heck, she's fine, but when something like this happens it's very easy to blame yourself - especially when you'll never know the answer. Hell, does MY anxiety and borderline ASD stem from my own mother's drinking during her pregnancy? Again she wasn't a hellraiser, she wanted the best for me. Who knows if it has any effect?
Or perhaps I'm just beating myself up a little (a lot), because suddenly my perfect family isn't quite so damn perfect any more and I don't know what went wrong with it. Perhaps we were never all that perfect but I was so focused on ME being the one with the problems that I didn't notice it creeping up on her.
I am a bit low at the moment. My plans for a grand summer by the seaside totally failed, all the great things we were going to do, the fun we'd have. Here we are at the end of it, tired and stressed and with no good memories, nothing much achieved. A summer to forget, to be washed away by what has felt like near constant rain.
I should feel as though through all of it, the fact I've managed to remain sober is some sort of shining beacon. If I can stay sober through this shit, I've got it sorted. But somehow I even feel grouchy and depressed about that, what's the big deal, other people do it without expecting a fanfare after all.
Oh, some other stuff did happen. I got that tattoo - which really didn't hurt all that much, and which I really like, even if nobody else around me seems to. I've also joined a photography club and a couple of times now walked into a room full of strangers and come out feeling like I made friends. That's quite a big deal for me - plus it turns out I occasionally take a decent photo.
But for now I have to go. SmallPerson had a book on the stairs, I moved it, and a freak out is in progress. Yay.
Many sessions with the psych to follow, I suppose, but we are feeling our way through and managing to parent in shifts during the tougher times, and seem to have achieved a level of 'normal' which is bearable if not quite as easy as it once was.
I'm trying not to link SmallPerson's issues with any of my own, but it's hard not to. I drank when I was pregnant - very little, especially compared to my excesses in times both before and after my pregnancy, but probably a couple of times a week (only ever one drink at a time). At the time and long after I figured what the heck, she's fine, but when something like this happens it's very easy to blame yourself - especially when you'll never know the answer. Hell, does MY anxiety and borderline ASD stem from my own mother's drinking during her pregnancy? Again she wasn't a hellraiser, she wanted the best for me. Who knows if it has any effect?
Or perhaps I'm just beating myself up a little (a lot), because suddenly my perfect family isn't quite so damn perfect any more and I don't know what went wrong with it. Perhaps we were never all that perfect but I was so focused on ME being the one with the problems that I didn't notice it creeping up on her.
I am a bit low at the moment. My plans for a grand summer by the seaside totally failed, all the great things we were going to do, the fun we'd have. Here we are at the end of it, tired and stressed and with no good memories, nothing much achieved. A summer to forget, to be washed away by what has felt like near constant rain.
I should feel as though through all of it, the fact I've managed to remain sober is some sort of shining beacon. If I can stay sober through this shit, I've got it sorted. But somehow I even feel grouchy and depressed about that, what's the big deal, other people do it without expecting a fanfare after all.
Oh, some other stuff did happen. I got that tattoo - which really didn't hurt all that much, and which I really like, even if nobody else around me seems to. I've also joined a photography club and a couple of times now walked into a room full of strangers and come out feeling like I made friends. That's quite a big deal for me - plus it turns out I occasionally take a decent photo.
But for now I have to go. SmallPerson had a book on the stairs, I moved it, and a freak out is in progress. Yay.
Tuesday, 28 July 2015
Day 50 - Pads, PAWS and Claws.
If I'm counting properly, I think that this is Day 50. I'm quite surprised, and also very proud of myself. I didn't think I would make it this far. A huge THANK YOU to all my blog-friends who have been there to help me through and encourage me!
I sound like someone giving an Oscars speech, like the prize has been won. It's interesting to me that there is no 'end' to this movie - or is there? Is there a celebration to be had at the end of every single day that I remain sober?
I'm feeling absolutely lousy at the moment - almost like I have a hangover which seems remarkably unfair considering. My back aches, my mind is fuzzy, my stomach is hollow and queasy, my mind is fuzzy. I just want to crawl back into bed. Not sure if this is PAWS or 'The Wall' (or are they the same thing?). It does become easy at this point to blame anything that goes wrong with the body or mind on sobriety, I suppose because there's comfort in thinking you know what is going on.
I know the correct answer to this is to be kind to myself - and I really am trying - but it's just so busy at the moment I can't slack off for a few days yet. I'm probably taking Friday off for a day out, and I'm definitely sleeping all day on Saturday, but I have to keep going until then.
We were out in London on Saturday night, and getting a cab back to the station after the theatre (which I can afford, now I'm not drinking!) was interesting - so many people late at night, stood on the street drinking. So many of them who probably felt rough as a badger's arse on Sunday morning. I looked at them and wondered where the pleasure was in what they were doing, tried to remember, and I honestly couldn't.
The flip side of that observation, though, was that when we went for a meal in Carluccios, a place I always associate with a large glass of white wine, I felt almost hypnotised by the glasses on the table until they were removed after we didn't order anything to go in them. Was that because of the habit of drinking wine in that place? Am I just a snobby alcoholic who considers herself too good to stand around on the street drinking from a plastic pint pot?
In the old days, I'd have had a glass of wine or two on the train, another with the meal, maybe two, two more at the theatre, and something when we got back to the B&B. Because it was spread out over 12 hours, I would consider that it wasn't that much. Interesting how none of those are just one drink.....!
My hands no longer shake.
I'm still great at procrastinating though. Back to work!!
I sound like someone giving an Oscars speech, like the prize has been won. It's interesting to me that there is no 'end' to this movie - or is there? Is there a celebration to be had at the end of every single day that I remain sober?
I'm feeling absolutely lousy at the moment - almost like I have a hangover which seems remarkably unfair considering. My back aches, my mind is fuzzy, my stomach is hollow and queasy, my mind is fuzzy. I just want to crawl back into bed. Not sure if this is PAWS or 'The Wall' (or are they the same thing?). It does become easy at this point to blame anything that goes wrong with the body or mind on sobriety, I suppose because there's comfort in thinking you know what is going on.
I know the correct answer to this is to be kind to myself - and I really am trying - but it's just so busy at the moment I can't slack off for a few days yet. I'm probably taking Friday off for a day out, and I'm definitely sleeping all day on Saturday, but I have to keep going until then.
We were out in London on Saturday night, and getting a cab back to the station after the theatre (which I can afford, now I'm not drinking!) was interesting - so many people late at night, stood on the street drinking. So many of them who probably felt rough as a badger's arse on Sunday morning. I looked at them and wondered where the pleasure was in what they were doing, tried to remember, and I honestly couldn't.
The flip side of that observation, though, was that when we went for a meal in Carluccios, a place I always associate with a large glass of white wine, I felt almost hypnotised by the glasses on the table until they were removed after we didn't order anything to go in them. Was that because of the habit of drinking wine in that place? Am I just a snobby alcoholic who considers herself too good to stand around on the street drinking from a plastic pint pot?
In the old days, I'd have had a glass of wine or two on the train, another with the meal, maybe two, two more at the theatre, and something when we got back to the B&B. Because it was spread out over 12 hours, I would consider that it wasn't that much. Interesting how none of those are just one drink.....!
My hands no longer shake.
I'm still great at procrastinating though. Back to work!!
Thursday, 23 July 2015
Day 45 Lard arse
Today I do not feel good about myself. Apparently I not only suck at doing my job and managing my time, I'm also the worlds worst mother. Oh, and then I caught sight of my naked self in the mirror. Holy heiffers, Batman.
I stopped weighing last year and I don't intend to start again. But I wonder if I can harness sober me to do another good thing for myself and try to get in shape and make better food choices. Am I asking too much of myself on top of the sobriety, and setting myself up to fail? Or am I setting myself up to succeed because it will be a nice thing to do for myself?
My problems are time and motivation. My boobs are too big for running. Swimming takes time, and planning. I don't really want to pay for a gym at least until winter. Also I like food.
There's an opportunity coming up, a month away from home and hubby's cooking, by the sea for early morning jogging with the dog. I neèd to take it. But without a number on the scales how do I keep going. It won't bring instant rewards like sobriety did.
This sounds like me talking myself into sobriety all over again. So. One day at a time?
Wednesday, 22 July 2015
A bucket of wine
Today has been basically horrible. We were meant to be going to a theme park for the day - planned for weeks, big day out, think to look forward to. Unfortunately SmallPerson's chronic procrastination accompanied by rudeness and screaming meant that I had to follow through after I said 'if you're not ready and downstairs in 10 minutes we aren't going'.
There was a lot more to it than that, but all I'm left with now is the feeling that I'm somehow a bad parent - even though I know drawing a line is good parenting. But I ruined my day as well and oh man was it draining dealing with a couple of hours of that and not erupting like Vesuvius.
We ended up going to my office instead, where I sent my other employee home at lunchtime as I was so ratty I was scared I was going to start snapping at him too. SP was as sulky as you would expect and I just could NOT concentrate on anything. So it's all been one big waste of time and effort.
I'm just wrecked now, can't think, exhausted, really down. I could open a bottle of wine right now and just gulp it. Who needs a glass?
I'm gulping AF beer instead and trying to forget that hubs has a chilled bottle of white in the fridge. This is one of those big test moments. But right now being able to switch off and numb it all really does feel like a very good idea.
I'll try to post something more positive tomorrow I promise!
There was a lot more to it than that, but all I'm left with now is the feeling that I'm somehow a bad parent - even though I know drawing a line is good parenting. But I ruined my day as well and oh man was it draining dealing with a couple of hours of that and not erupting like Vesuvius.
We ended up going to my office instead, where I sent my other employee home at lunchtime as I was so ratty I was scared I was going to start snapping at him too. SP was as sulky as you would expect and I just could NOT concentrate on anything. So it's all been one big waste of time and effort.
I'm just wrecked now, can't think, exhausted, really down. I could open a bottle of wine right now and just gulp it. Who needs a glass?
I'm gulping AF beer instead and trying to forget that hubs has a chilled bottle of white in the fridge. This is one of those big test moments. But right now being able to switch off and numb it all really does feel like a very good idea.
I'll try to post something more positive tomorrow I promise!
Tuesday, 21 July 2015
Scaling The Wall
It's been 6 weeks today since I made the decision to give up drinking. So small in the grand scheme of things but also so monumental.
I'm in danger of getting complacent. The buzz of sobriety has worn off, I'm stressed with juggling work and school holidays, trying to be a good businesswoman and a good mum, and of course not getting either of them quite right. It's a high risk time....and then I read in Sober Mummy's blog that the relapse 'wall' is typically between Day 46 and Day 120 and I am staring right at it.
That's 74 days of danger, if you want to believe what I'm assuming isn't a precise and scientifically proven time period ;) 74 days of danger, compared to 42 days of relative ease so far. That's a hellish long time to be facing.
I have a sort of emergency plan in place, but I'm away from home for the whole of August so access to meetings etc won't be happening. All I really have is you lot, and a couple of people I can text, and willpower. I'm scared, and I feel threatened by this notional bad patch.
Maybe it won't be that bad - maybe it's because I've been up since 5am and am absolutely knackered that I'm being so negative.
On my way home I plan to buy as much AF beer as I can carry! :)
I'm in danger of getting complacent. The buzz of sobriety has worn off, I'm stressed with juggling work and school holidays, trying to be a good businesswoman and a good mum, and of course not getting either of them quite right. It's a high risk time....and then I read in Sober Mummy's blog that the relapse 'wall' is typically between Day 46 and Day 120 and I am staring right at it.
That's 74 days of danger, if you want to believe what I'm assuming isn't a precise and scientifically proven time period ;) 74 days of danger, compared to 42 days of relative ease so far. That's a hellish long time to be facing.
I have a sort of emergency plan in place, but I'm away from home for the whole of August so access to meetings etc won't be happening. All I really have is you lot, and a couple of people I can text, and willpower. I'm scared, and I feel threatened by this notional bad patch.
Maybe it won't be that bad - maybe it's because I've been up since 5am and am absolutely knackered that I'm being so negative.
On my way home I plan to buy as much AF beer as I can carry! :)
Monday, 13 July 2015
Grumpy tired post
I did not sleep well last night...SmallPerson was in the bed, Hubs was snoring like a rhino with a megaphone, and me? Perched on the edge of the (super king!) bed. I kept waking up. My brain was buzzing. So today I'm knackered and to be honest, if hubs were home, I'd be in the bath by now and thinking about sleep.
I'm still beating myself up for being behind at work, but trying to remind myself that I did plenty today and it's okay to spend an evening sitting on the sofa - not making curtains, not studying, not doing anything. This is ok. Giving in on this day and going to bed is okay.
School holidays next week, which stresses me out too - guilt at needing to put Small into holiday club, guilt at not doing something amazing when we are together. We are at my mum's near the beach for a month in the middle of it, which will be great, but this year I need to get my act together to show Small some of the 'tourist' things about my homeland which I take for granted. I ought to make a list, even a plan, to stop myself just wasting the time, sitting on the laptop and working and missing the opportunity.
I like lists. But tonight, too tired to make one.
Seeing the alcohol counsellor tomorrow. Wonder if I will unlock a new level in the 'secret stuff for recovering addicts' game? :)
I'm still beating myself up for being behind at work, but trying to remind myself that I did plenty today and it's okay to spend an evening sitting on the sofa - not making curtains, not studying, not doing anything. This is ok. Giving in on this day and going to bed is okay.
School holidays next week, which stresses me out too - guilt at needing to put Small into holiday club, guilt at not doing something amazing when we are together. We are at my mum's near the beach for a month in the middle of it, which will be great, but this year I need to get my act together to show Small some of the 'tourist' things about my homeland which I take for granted. I ought to make a list, even a plan, to stop myself just wasting the time, sitting on the laptop and working and missing the opportunity.
I like lists. But tonight, too tired to make one.
Seeing the alcohol counsellor tomorrow. Wonder if I will unlock a new level in the 'secret stuff for recovering addicts' game? :)
Sunday, 5 July 2015
Day 27 - Storm in a teacup
I'm in a shitty mood today, and I was yesterday as well for much of the time. A combination of relatives showing up uninvited (and then leaving the seat up and pissing all over the floor, didn't help), too much to do (what's new!), hubs being a bit clueless, and a SmallPerson who is going through some emotional/hormonal stuff which means she will go into a screaming tantrum if I so much as look at her the wrong way.
I'm also in a bit of a grump because here we are at 4pm on Sunday, I'm bloody knackered, and I've not managed to tackle the one big job I wanted to do today. SO excuse the indulgence but I'm going to make a list of the stuff I HAVE done these past two days, so that I can remind myself that I didn't just waste time...
I'm also in a bit of a grump because here we are at 4pm on Sunday, I'm bloody knackered, and I've not managed to tackle the one big job I wanted to do today. SO excuse the indulgence but I'm going to make a list of the stuff I HAVE done these past two days, so that I can remind myself that I didn't just waste time...
- Finished painting gazebo
- Fixed trampoline net (this is what led to the latest tantrum!)
- Washed down all the skirtings and door frames downstairs, and the walls whenever these were covered in god knows what
- Watered the plants (useful, since it's now raining)
- Sold some stuff on Ebay
- Hung pictures
- Planted the rose mum sent for my birthday
- Shopping
- 2 loads of laundry
- Cleaned the bathroom
- Dusted the living room
- Dusted the study
- Vacuumed downstairs
- Washed the curtains in the study
- Helped set up and dismantle the school fete
- Spent 90 mins selling raffle tickets and entrance tickets to said fete
Hah, I thought that would make me feel more accomplished but it looks like a really short list!
There have been positive things; some nice weather, school fete went well, erm...I'm not dead, I guess. But I just feel really grouchy and miserable. It's as if I was expecting not drinking to make all the other things in my life that I'm not happy about go away -but actually all it means is that my coping mechanism has been removed from me.
Bit of a one woman pity party at the moment, me. I'll go crawl back into my hole and hopefully come back happier tomorrow.
Tuesday, 23 June 2015
Day 15 - Green spots
Yesterday was a really productive day after my early start, caffeine got me through the wall mid afternoon and Things Got Done. I was flaked out in bed with SmallPerson by 9pm though, and slept through until 7 today.
Today - I'm basically compensating for it by being useless. Work is going so very slowly (I have so much to do, can't afford to slack like this!), and I'm covered in spots of green paint because I keep running outside to spend '5 minutes' treating the shed. I look like I have some sort of terrible disease. Not sure if I should wash it off before the school run, or try to scare the children a little bit?
I did take the dog for a very long walk, which he needed, but I've not managed to unload the tumble dryer or do the washing up, which is a bit pathetic. Oh, and that work stuff. Not done that either.
On a day like this 'before' I would probably have called it a day and had a glass of wine about now - it would be relatively unusual for me to drink during 'work hours' but I did tend to do it when I was trying to excuse myself for taking it easy. It's hard now to just allow myself to have a bit of an off day, and accept that these things happen and it doesn't make me a total failure as a human being. When I'm not drinking, I have to keep thinking, and thinking isn't always my friend. I tend to do too much of it.
It feels good to have made it 2 weeks, but when I'm in a less positive mindset it also feels a bit pathetic and pointless. Only 2 weeks? I could blow it all in a second without thinking about it - one moment of 'oh, fuck it' when there's alcohol within reach. It's a drop in the ocean (hah!) when compared to the rest of my life - I might have to be sober for the next 40 years. I don't know why that's such a scary thought really. The reasons for not drinking aren't going to change, all that changes is that as time passes I might forget just how bad drinking made me feel.
My memories of alcohol aren't especially positive. I don't even know if I like the taste of it, when I think about it properly. The things I did and said when drunk were often negative, the way I felt the next day definitely so. But this damn Gin Goblin still likes to think that maybe, one day, I'll be on top of it and be able to 'moderate' my drinking, despite all the evidence to the contrary. I know I won't. I know one drink will never be enough for me.
I'm not about to give in, but I wish I could reprogram myself a little more easily!
Today - I'm basically compensating for it by being useless. Work is going so very slowly (I have so much to do, can't afford to slack like this!), and I'm covered in spots of green paint because I keep running outside to spend '5 minutes' treating the shed. I look like I have some sort of terrible disease. Not sure if I should wash it off before the school run, or try to scare the children a little bit?
I did take the dog for a very long walk, which he needed, but I've not managed to unload the tumble dryer or do the washing up, which is a bit pathetic. Oh, and that work stuff. Not done that either.
On a day like this 'before' I would probably have called it a day and had a glass of wine about now - it would be relatively unusual for me to drink during 'work hours' but I did tend to do it when I was trying to excuse myself for taking it easy. It's hard now to just allow myself to have a bit of an off day, and accept that these things happen and it doesn't make me a total failure as a human being. When I'm not drinking, I have to keep thinking, and thinking isn't always my friend. I tend to do too much of it.
It feels good to have made it 2 weeks, but when I'm in a less positive mindset it also feels a bit pathetic and pointless. Only 2 weeks? I could blow it all in a second without thinking about it - one moment of 'oh, fuck it' when there's alcohol within reach. It's a drop in the ocean (hah!) when compared to the rest of my life - I might have to be sober for the next 40 years. I don't know why that's such a scary thought really. The reasons for not drinking aren't going to change, all that changes is that as time passes I might forget just how bad drinking made me feel.
My memories of alcohol aren't especially positive. I don't even know if I like the taste of it, when I think about it properly. The things I did and said when drunk were often negative, the way I felt the next day definitely so. But this damn Gin Goblin still likes to think that maybe, one day, I'll be on top of it and be able to 'moderate' my drinking, despite all the evidence to the contrary. I know I won't. I know one drink will never be enough for me.
I'm not about to give in, but I wish I could reprogram myself a little more easily!
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