Day 11. Cravings and weirdness

Day 11. More cravings today. Not so much that I'll give in, but I have been thinking about alcohol a lot more today and feeling quite anxious about never drinking again. This will pass, I know. I'm telling myself that it's a choice - that I can choose to drink if I want to - but that the sensible part of me knows that would be a bad choice. Nobody is saying 'no', what is actually happening is me saying 'No, thanks, not today'.

My brain is waking up a lot, but my motivation is lagging behind - if I was in a mood to write, to work, I could absolutely kill it. But my focus is on my hobby (photography) rather than my job at the moment and I'm having to try to rein it in and actually get some paying work out of the door.

Off to Cornwall to see my mum tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to. I've not been home since last summer and I could do with a dose of sea air. Going to stock up on Nanny State and pretend I never liked the local beers anyway!

Nothing much else to report. Better sleep last night. I do have one weird physical thing going on at the moment but I can't imagine how it can possibly be linked to alcohol, unless that in turn can do something wacky to your hormones? Hopefully a few days of R&R will see me come back to real life next week with a bit more enthusiasm for everything...

Day 9 - The Storm

Day 9 already. This time around, I seem to have arrived here entirely without drama, without needing to really reach out or hold myself back. It's a little too easy - but I know that Gin Goblin all too well so I mustn't become complacent.

I'm going to visit my mum later in the week, so will go through several of my drinking triggers there - both socially and emotionally. Mum's on board with supporting me though, she won't offer me a drink! Thinking back, though, last time I was sober I remember having a sip of the sherry I poured her and then deciding I didn't want any, anyway.

The storm isn't an emotional one, it's the actual weather. We were promised heavy snow starting 10pm last night and lasting 24 hours. There's no snow - what we have instead is 60mph winds which haven't let up all night. The letterbox and the cat flap banging are driving the dog mad, and I've had about 5 hours' sleep. Hubs is sleeping soundly upstairs (it's his turn to sleep in), and I'm downstairs with E trying to get off the sofa.

I'm still lacking motivation in a big way. I have things I need to do this weekend, things I have been putting off for ages. I could easily keep myself busy today with little jobs around the house before we even start thinking about the work things that are piling up too! Being up early means I could get so much done, so why am I under a blanket on the sofa, waiting for hubs to get up so that I can sneak back to bed for an hour?

This all sounds really negative - actually I'm...well, I'm not full of the joys, but I'm feeling pretty neutral. Everything is 'ok'. I have a day off work tomorrow for my photography class, so need to spend some time today getting my most recent work together for review, and I'll be spending tomorrow with friends. Focus on the positive...one of those friends is Sober R who has been great, checking in on me daily and sympathising with the rough parts. I think having seen what he has achieved has helped to motivate me to do this again.

Day 6

Hello, world.

I don't really know what I want to write about today, I suppose I'm just checking in. It'll be a week tomorrow which feels both like a big milestone, and a small one - but mainly I'm focusing on just doing this one day at a time.

My brain is definitely starting to wake up again. I managed to figure something out in Photoshop last night which has eluded me for the past 12 months, and I'm about to launch into some fairly technical stuff at work which isn't too daunting. I'm lacking a bit of mojo for work at the moment but I've been like that all year if the truth be told. Hoping that will come back, as I start to come back too.

Sleep is still an issue. I'm tending to drop off around 1am, and I have to be up at 6.30 to get E ready for school (you have never seen anyone move as slowly in the morning as her!). Definitely feeling like I'm crawling towards Saturday and the promise of no alarm clock...I have been going to bed around 10pm and reading for a bit but sleep eludes me even when I do everything 'right'.

Yesterday evening I had to battle some pretty big cravings. I think I was as close to cracking as I have come so far. Not really sure what triggered it other than that I was tired, running my bath, and thought how nice it would be to soak and drink. Sober Friend R has recommended Eisberg as being a reasonably acceptable alternative but I do remember trying it last time around and loathing it. I think perhaps a year of sobriety has made him forget what wine actually tastes like ;)

Anyway, I decided there wasn't anything in the house that I liked well enough to break my streak for - there is gin, but happily I'm not dreadfully keen on it, some sort of strange yellowish 'bathtub' gin. I tried to distract myself on r/stopdrinking but reading about other people's benders just made me want what they had been drinking! In the end I just went to bed with a book, and that did the trick.

I have a meeting / cake session at 3pm today with a client, so it's a short day at least. Best get on with it!

Day 4

Day 4. Insomnia struck last night, and the night before, so I took a ZzzQuil at 1 am each time. Today I slept until 11am and am still walking around the office like a zombie (luckily, I'm the boss, so I can get away with it!). Entertained to note that I took one a couple of weeks back and felt it did nothing - I guess that's another sign of how booze was affecting my brain.

I feel like a bit of an observer at the moment rather than actually living in my body. It's not unpleasant, just different. I'm cutting myself a lot of slack and trying to be kind and positive in my inner monologue. Things like tidying the house, weeding the garden - they aren't the most important things and I refuse to beat myself up about them, for now. I'm promising that in a few weeks time, when the weather improves and so do I, I'll have tons of energy to tackle all of those jobs I have avoided for the past 12 months.

I feel much more confident and comfortable at this point than I did last time - perhaps because I know I can do it, and because I know what to expect? Perhaps because, having failed once before, I now accept that I'm an all or nothing person and just shouldn't drink? Perhaps because I've seen my friend ace it for a year now and can see the real difference it has made to him.

I also don't have to do quite as much soul searching. I know what my triggers for drinking are (stress and boredom) and when my danger points are (evenings, weekend afternoons), and I've got my strategies in place (Nanny State n/a beers and early nights). It's just a case of ticking off the days until I don't feel I have to tick them off any more.

The big change since last time around is that we now understand that our daughter has Asperger syndrome; that's why her behaviour was starting to get so difficult around the time I was going sober last time. I don't for a second blame that for me starting to drink again - but I know I'll probably be better equipped to help her if I'm fully present. I'm going to need energy to fight for her, calm her, support her, and fill in the endless forms. It's an added incentive!

Right. I guess I should do some work!

Guess what? Day 1!

It's another Day 1.

Monday, I didn't drink, and it wasn't a struggle. But what I'm noticing is that I'm comparing "current me" to "really bad drinking" me, and using that as an excuse to keep drinking. And I suspect being able to make excuses is a sign of ...something....

Yesterday was a very fucked up day in many ways. Some great things happened, some downright horrible things happened. So when I got home I had a G&T. And a beer. And a glass of wine.

Yeah. No excuses for that, really, are there?

I'm on a bit of a self improvement kick in other ways. I went for a run yesterday (I don't think I will do it again. It was horrible). I've been getting up at 5.30am to work and making sure I'm in bed by 10pm which has been working surprisingly well. But today - Didn't get up until 6.30am (lazybones!), and not feeling too motivated. I don't feel ill, but I'm tired, and I'm grumpy, and that'll be a hangover I guess.

When I was considering it this morning, what I realised was it didn't help me at all. What helped me last night was talking to the person who had upset me, and discovering that whilst I had cause to be upset, it wasn't quite as bad as I had taken it to be.

Also - did I enjoy any of those drinks? I don't think I did. I don't think any of them tasted especially wonderful, I don't remember sitting and just savouring one and thinking "Oh, that's nice".

When I sobered up last year (for 6 months!!) I'd been considering it and finding excuses not to do it for a while, and when it happened I felt 'ready' for it. I feel ready again, now.

Day 14 - What the hell time is this?

The clock tells me it's 6.37am, and I can assure you that so far today I've already updated the accounts, done the VAT return, and started writing bids for new work, as well as progressing the laundry, letting the dog out, and sorting out the dodgy printer upstairs.

What fresh hell is this? I'm not even drinking coffee. I should be asleep, like normal people.

It feels fantastic.