Day 11. More cravings today. Not so much that I'll give in, but I have been thinking about alcohol a lot more today and feeling quite anxious about never drinking again. This will pass, I know. I'm telling myself that it's a choice - that I can choose to drink if I want to - but that the sensible part of me knows that would be a bad choice. Nobody is saying 'no', what is actually happening is me saying 'No, thanks, not today'.
My brain is waking up a lot, but my motivation is lagging behind - if I was in a mood to write, to work, I could absolutely kill it. But my focus is on my hobby (photography) rather than my job at the moment and I'm having to try to rein it in and actually get some paying work out of the door.
Off to Cornwall to see my mum tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to. I've not been home since last summer and I could do with a dose of sea air. Going to stock up on Nanny State and pretend I never liked the local beers anyway!
Nothing much else to report. Better sleep last night. I do have one weird physical thing going on at the moment but I can't imagine how it can possibly be linked to alcohol, unless that in turn can do something wacky to your hormones? Hopefully a few days of R&R will see me come back to real life next week with a bit more enthusiasm for everything...
Showing posts with label photography. Show all posts
Showing posts with label photography. Show all posts
Tuesday, 14 February 2017
Sunday, 12 February 2017
Day 9 - The Storm
Day 9 already. This time around, I seem to have arrived here entirely without drama, without needing to really reach out or hold myself back. It's a little too easy - but I know that Gin Goblin all too well so I mustn't become complacent.
I'm going to visit my mum later in the week, so will go through several of my drinking triggers there - both socially and emotionally. Mum's on board with supporting me though, she won't offer me a drink! Thinking back, though, last time I was sober I remember having a sip of the sherry I poured her and then deciding I didn't want any, anyway.
The storm isn't an emotional one, it's the actual weather. We were promised heavy snow starting 10pm last night and lasting 24 hours. There's no snow - what we have instead is 60mph winds which haven't let up all night. The letterbox and the cat flap banging are driving the dog mad, and I've had about 5 hours' sleep. Hubs is sleeping soundly upstairs (it's his turn to sleep in), and I'm downstairs with E trying to get off the sofa.
I'm still lacking motivation in a big way. I have things I need to do this weekend, things I have been putting off for ages. I could easily keep myself busy today with little jobs around the house before we even start thinking about the work things that are piling up too! Being up early means I could get so much done, so why am I under a blanket on the sofa, waiting for hubs to get up so that I can sneak back to bed for an hour?
This all sounds really negative - actually I'm...well, I'm not full of the joys, but I'm feeling pretty neutral. Everything is 'ok'. I have a day off work tomorrow for my photography class, so need to spend some time today getting my most recent work together for review, and I'll be spending tomorrow with friends. Focus on the positive...one of those friends is Sober R who has been great, checking in on me daily and sympathising with the rough parts. I think having seen what he has achieved has helped to motivate me to do this again.
I'm going to visit my mum later in the week, so will go through several of my drinking triggers there - both socially and emotionally. Mum's on board with supporting me though, she won't offer me a drink! Thinking back, though, last time I was sober I remember having a sip of the sherry I poured her and then deciding I didn't want any, anyway.
The storm isn't an emotional one, it's the actual weather. We were promised heavy snow starting 10pm last night and lasting 24 hours. There's no snow - what we have instead is 60mph winds which haven't let up all night. The letterbox and the cat flap banging are driving the dog mad, and I've had about 5 hours' sleep. Hubs is sleeping soundly upstairs (it's his turn to sleep in), and I'm downstairs with E trying to get off the sofa.
I'm still lacking motivation in a big way. I have things I need to do this weekend, things I have been putting off for ages. I could easily keep myself busy today with little jobs around the house before we even start thinking about the work things that are piling up too! Being up early means I could get so much done, so why am I under a blanket on the sofa, waiting for hubs to get up so that I can sneak back to bed for an hour?
This all sounds really negative - actually I'm...well, I'm not full of the joys, but I'm feeling pretty neutral. Everything is 'ok'. I have a day off work tomorrow for my photography class, so need to spend some time today getting my most recent work together for review, and I'll be spending tomorrow with friends. Focus on the positive...one of those friends is Sober R who has been great, checking in on me daily and sympathising with the rough parts. I think having seen what he has achieved has helped to motivate me to do this again.
Thursday, 9 February 2017
Day 6
Hello, world.
I don't really know what I want to write about today, I suppose I'm just checking in. It'll be a week tomorrow which feels both like a big milestone, and a small one - but mainly I'm focusing on just doing this one day at a time.
My brain is definitely starting to wake up again. I managed to figure something out in Photoshop last night which has eluded me for the past 12 months, and I'm about to launch into some fairly technical stuff at work which isn't too daunting. I'm lacking a bit of mojo for work at the moment but I've been like that all year if the truth be told. Hoping that will come back, as I start to come back too.
Sleep is still an issue. I'm tending to drop off around 1am, and I have to be up at 6.30 to get E ready for school (you have never seen anyone move as slowly in the morning as her!). Definitely feeling like I'm crawling towards Saturday and the promise of no alarm clock...I have been going to bed around 10pm and reading for a bit but sleep eludes me even when I do everything 'right'.
Yesterday evening I had to battle some pretty big cravings. I think I was as close to cracking as I have come so far. Not really sure what triggered it other than that I was tired, running my bath, and thought how nice it would be to soak and drink. Sober Friend R has recommended Eisberg as being a reasonably acceptable alternative but I do remember trying it last time around and loathing it. I think perhaps a year of sobriety has made him forget what wine actually tastes like ;)
Anyway, I decided there wasn't anything in the house that I liked well enough to break my streak for - there is gin, but happily I'm not dreadfully keen on it, some sort of strange yellowish 'bathtub' gin. I tried to distract myself on r/stopdrinking but reading about other people's benders just made me want what they had been drinking! In the end I just went to bed with a book, and that did the trick.
I have a meeting / cake session at 3pm today with a client, so it's a short day at least. Best get on with it!
I don't really know what I want to write about today, I suppose I'm just checking in. It'll be a week tomorrow which feels both like a big milestone, and a small one - but mainly I'm focusing on just doing this one day at a time.
My brain is definitely starting to wake up again. I managed to figure something out in Photoshop last night which has eluded me for the past 12 months, and I'm about to launch into some fairly technical stuff at work which isn't too daunting. I'm lacking a bit of mojo for work at the moment but I've been like that all year if the truth be told. Hoping that will come back, as I start to come back too.
Sleep is still an issue. I'm tending to drop off around 1am, and I have to be up at 6.30 to get E ready for school (you have never seen anyone move as slowly in the morning as her!). Definitely feeling like I'm crawling towards Saturday and the promise of no alarm clock...I have been going to bed around 10pm and reading for a bit but sleep eludes me even when I do everything 'right'.
Yesterday evening I had to battle some pretty big cravings. I think I was as close to cracking as I have come so far. Not really sure what triggered it other than that I was tired, running my bath, and thought how nice it would be to soak and drink. Sober Friend R has recommended Eisberg as being a reasonably acceptable alternative but I do remember trying it last time around and loathing it. I think perhaps a year of sobriety has made him forget what wine actually tastes like ;)
Anyway, I decided there wasn't anything in the house that I liked well enough to break my streak for - there is gin, but happily I'm not dreadfully keen on it, some sort of strange yellowish 'bathtub' gin. I tried to distract myself on r/stopdrinking but reading about other people's benders just made me want what they had been drinking! In the end I just went to bed with a book, and that did the trick.
I have a meeting / cake session at 3pm today with a client, so it's a short day at least. Best get on with it!
Friday, 25 March 2016
Sober 2.4
Day 4. Feeling more human today. It's Good Friday so I was able to sleep in until about 10.30 which was great - hopefully more of the same tomorrow!
Today has mainly been about waiting for slow computers. I have a lot of photos to process, and it's been suggested that I might like to sell some, so I've had to re-size them and upload them to various sites. It will be a tiny miracle if I make any money from it, but enough to buy a new lens now and then would make me very happy. If it pays for next year's trip to Iceland, so much the better!
I think that Day 4 might be easier than it was the first time around - I don't know, it just doesn't seem like such a big deal this time to be going sober. The cravings are less - although they're still there - I'd not say no to a glass of something right now, but at the same time I'm feeling too lazy to actually get up and get something. So that's that!
Hoping my skin will start to improve soon, that's definitely a deterioration I noticed again once I re-started drinking...more spots! Better sleep will be a good thing too - I can sleep for hours and wake up tired. I'm not really sure now how much better that was when I was sober last time around, mind. I have some very weird dreams sometimes.
I let this journal lapse last time around too - in the end I started drinking on 30 November, so I went nearly 6 months. This time - fewer than 4 months to my birthday and 5 months to the big holiday. A gap between the two of them. Easy!
Today has mainly been about waiting for slow computers. I have a lot of photos to process, and it's been suggested that I might like to sell some, so I've had to re-size them and upload them to various sites. It will be a tiny miracle if I make any money from it, but enough to buy a new lens now and then would make me very happy. If it pays for next year's trip to Iceland, so much the better!
I think that Day 4 might be easier than it was the first time around - I don't know, it just doesn't seem like such a big deal this time to be going sober. The cravings are less - although they're still there - I'd not say no to a glass of something right now, but at the same time I'm feeling too lazy to actually get up and get something. So that's that!
Hoping my skin will start to improve soon, that's definitely a deterioration I noticed again once I re-started drinking...more spots! Better sleep will be a good thing too - I can sleep for hours and wake up tired. I'm not really sure now how much better that was when I was sober last time around, mind. I have some very weird dreams sometimes.
I let this journal lapse last time around too - in the end I started drinking on 30 November, so I went nearly 6 months. This time - fewer than 4 months to my birthday and 5 months to the big holiday. A gap between the two of them. Easy!
Tuesday, 21 July 2015
Balance
All my negativity came out in that last post didn't it! So there are a couple of positive things I ought to report as well....
1) I'm not good with new people, I'm very antisocial, I don't talk to strangers. But last night the office next door neighbour came out of his house carrying a brass band instrument, which was reason enough for me to ask him which band he plays with. Turns out we know a lot of people in common and it was nice to have a quick chat rather than just nodding in passing.
2) I've been an amateur photographer for a week now. I've already had one person ask for a print and been told that my shots are 'very marketable'. I have no illusions about becoming great or making money from my hobby but it's a good feeling to try something new and not totally suck at it - especially as I thought I would. If I can make a little just to pay for new lenses and stuff that would be cool. I may even start a photography blog!
3) Business is booming. My little company is doing really well -I need to look up from the exhaustion and stress and remember that. And the main thing I wanted - to be a great place to work as well as a great company - seems to be coming to fruition as both my employees keep telling me how much they love it here. Yay!
1) I'm not good with new people, I'm very antisocial, I don't talk to strangers. But last night the office next door neighbour came out of his house carrying a brass band instrument, which was reason enough for me to ask him which band he plays with. Turns out we know a lot of people in common and it was nice to have a quick chat rather than just nodding in passing.
2) I've been an amateur photographer for a week now. I've already had one person ask for a print and been told that my shots are 'very marketable'. I have no illusions about becoming great or making money from my hobby but it's a good feeling to try something new and not totally suck at it - especially as I thought I would. If I can make a little just to pay for new lenses and stuff that would be cool. I may even start a photography blog!
3) Business is booming. My little company is doing really well -I need to look up from the exhaustion and stress and remember that. And the main thing I wanted - to be a great place to work as well as a great company - seems to be coming to fruition as both my employees keep telling me how much they love it here. Yay!
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