Day 11. More cravings today. Not so much that I'll give in, but I have been thinking about alcohol a lot more today and feeling quite anxious about never drinking again. This will pass, I know. I'm telling myself that it's a choice - that I can choose to drink if I want to - but that the sensible part of me knows that would be a bad choice. Nobody is saying 'no', what is actually happening is me saying 'No, thanks, not today'.
My brain is waking up a lot, but my motivation is lagging behind - if I was in a mood to write, to work, I could absolutely kill it. But my focus is on my hobby (photography) rather than my job at the moment and I'm having to try to rein it in and actually get some paying work out of the door.
Off to Cornwall to see my mum tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to. I've not been home since last summer and I could do with a dose of sea air. Going to stock up on Nanny State and pretend I never liked the local beers anyway!
Nothing much else to report. Better sleep last night. I do have one weird physical thing going on at the moment but I can't imagine how it can possibly be linked to alcohol, unless that in turn can do something wacky to your hormones? Hopefully a few days of R&R will see me come back to real life next week with a bit more enthusiasm for everything...
Showing posts with label benefits. Show all posts
Showing posts with label benefits. Show all posts
Tuesday, 14 February 2017
Tuesday, 7 February 2017
Day 4
Day 4. Insomnia struck last night, and the night before, so I took a ZzzQuil at 1 am each time. Today I slept until 11am and am still walking around the office like a zombie (luckily, I'm the boss, so I can get away with it!). Entertained to note that I took one a couple of weeks back and felt it did nothing - I guess that's another sign of how booze was affecting my brain.
I feel like a bit of an observer at the moment rather than actually living in my body. It's not unpleasant, just different. I'm cutting myself a lot of slack and trying to be kind and positive in my inner monologue. Things like tidying the house, weeding the garden - they aren't the most important things and I refuse to beat myself up about them, for now. I'm promising that in a few weeks time, when the weather improves and so do I, I'll have tons of energy to tackle all of those jobs I have avoided for the past 12 months.
I feel much more confident and comfortable at this point than I did last time - perhaps because I know I can do it, and because I know what to expect? Perhaps because, having failed once before, I now accept that I'm an all or nothing person and just shouldn't drink? Perhaps because I've seen my friend ace it for a year now and can see the real difference it has made to him.
I also don't have to do quite as much soul searching. I know what my triggers for drinking are (stress and boredom) and when my danger points are (evenings, weekend afternoons), and I've got my strategies in place (Nanny State n/a beers and early nights). It's just a case of ticking off the days until I don't feel I have to tick them off any more.
The big change since last time around is that we now understand that our daughter has Asperger syndrome; that's why her behaviour was starting to get so difficult around the time I was going sober last time. I don't for a second blame that for me starting to drink again - but I know I'll probably be better equipped to help her if I'm fully present. I'm going to need energy to fight for her, calm her, support her, and fill in the endless forms. It's an added incentive!
Right. I guess I should do some work!
I feel like a bit of an observer at the moment rather than actually living in my body. It's not unpleasant, just different. I'm cutting myself a lot of slack and trying to be kind and positive in my inner monologue. Things like tidying the house, weeding the garden - they aren't the most important things and I refuse to beat myself up about them, for now. I'm promising that in a few weeks time, when the weather improves and so do I, I'll have tons of energy to tackle all of those jobs I have avoided for the past 12 months.
I feel much more confident and comfortable at this point than I did last time - perhaps because I know I can do it, and because I know what to expect? Perhaps because, having failed once before, I now accept that I'm an all or nothing person and just shouldn't drink? Perhaps because I've seen my friend ace it for a year now and can see the real difference it has made to him.
I also don't have to do quite as much soul searching. I know what my triggers for drinking are (stress and boredom) and when my danger points are (evenings, weekend afternoons), and I've got my strategies in place (Nanny State n/a beers and early nights). It's just a case of ticking off the days until I don't feel I have to tick them off any more.
The big change since last time around is that we now understand that our daughter has Asperger syndrome; that's why her behaviour was starting to get so difficult around the time I was going sober last time. I don't for a second blame that for me starting to drink again - but I know I'll probably be better equipped to help her if I'm fully present. I'm going to need energy to fight for her, calm her, support her, and fill in the endless forms. It's an added incentive!
Right. I guess I should do some work!
Tuesday, 15 September 2015
Day 99
It's day 99.
And you know what? I actually had to look that up, because I stopped counting days long ago. I've been really lax at writing here but actually I take that as a good sign as it means I've not been constantly having booze thoughts and needing to vent about it! The worst thing has been that I'm not up to speed with all of the blogs I was following - I promise to try to remedy that.
Last week I took part in an "Intuitive Recovery" course that my ADS counsellor had recommended me for. It was much more interesting than I thought it would be - people from all walks of life, different substances, different stages of recovery (some only thinking about it). I felt a bit guilty being able to sit there and say I hadn't used for 3 months, when some were still staring down the barrel of day 1. But I hope the fact that I could do it and I was still standing upright was helpful!
At the end of the course, the instructor asked us to say aloud "I will never drink/use again" just to see how it made us feel. I was the only one who could say it without a caveat -but it made me want to cry. It felt almost like a break up or a bereavement. It's over. I won't see the gin goblin again. I thought he was the one but he turned out to be a bastard.
I was then challenged to add "and I will NEVER change my mind". Never. That's a scary word. But I said it. I meant it.
The big difference the IR course made to me was that it helped me understand a bit about how I'd trained my brain to think I needed alcohol for survival, above even food and warmth. And it helped me understand that if I keep on saying no to the cravings I can train it back again, and those cravings will get fewer and fewer. The trick, apparently. is to not even enter into that internal debate with the craving - just tell it to fuck off, and it'll pass within a couple of minutes. If you debate with it, you feed it.
The bottle of wine that has been in the fridge since my birthday is open; hubby says he has been using it for cooking and hasn't drunk any. I consider this a travesty and have told him to bloody drink some. I have a vivid memory of last night pouring a glass and having a big gulp, holding it in my mouth, trying to decide if I liked it or not (I did!). Then pouring the rest of the glass away. There's no glass on the drainer, the bottle looked as full as it did yesterday, so I guess it was just a dream. But I had to actually check on those things to be sure. I could taste it.
I've been really depressed the last few days and it's a bit disappointing to realise that it can still happen now that I'm not bringing myself down with alcohol. I'm also still a lard arse! But maybe these things will change given more time. My skin is amazing, and in a certain part of town you can see my Size 18 form wrapped in blue satin on the cover of a magazine this month - I never imagined I'd be a cover girl! Yes, this has really happened, it's an actual magazine made of paper 'n' everything.
When I'm not in a glum mood, I can get up in the morning feeling fine. I can drive and know I'm safe. I have discovered photography, and through it some amazing people and places as well as what seems to be a new talent. And I can go for a night out, with people who are drinking, and have just as good a time as they are. And THEN drive them home and call them at 8am just to tease them ;)
If you're on Day 1, or Day 0, and reading this, I know you can't believe me yet. It's so hard just to start, and every day is one foot in front of the other. But honestly, it's not been easy and there have been so many times when I've thought a drink would help me out, but I've survived. I'm here on Day 99 just like that. And although it's not been easy, it's really not been THAT hard. It's ok. It's worth it.
What happens next? Well, ADS have discharged me. I still need to work on my mental health generally but at least now it's clearer who I actually am. I still have to let go of all of the regrets of how (despite all my achievements) maybe I could have done MORE and BETTER if I were sober - and just channel that into doing more and better now! But I'm also still learning to be kind to myself, to accept that some days it just ain't happening and that's being human.
I know that in the future that voice in my head will tell me to have just the one. I know there will be times when I'm really tempted, when people put a drink in my hand and egg me on. But I'll deal with that when it comes.
And you know what? I actually had to look that up, because I stopped counting days long ago. I've been really lax at writing here but actually I take that as a good sign as it means I've not been constantly having booze thoughts and needing to vent about it! The worst thing has been that I'm not up to speed with all of the blogs I was following - I promise to try to remedy that.
Last week I took part in an "Intuitive Recovery" course that my ADS counsellor had recommended me for. It was much more interesting than I thought it would be - people from all walks of life, different substances, different stages of recovery (some only thinking about it). I felt a bit guilty being able to sit there and say I hadn't used for 3 months, when some were still staring down the barrel of day 1. But I hope the fact that I could do it and I was still standing upright was helpful!
At the end of the course, the instructor asked us to say aloud "I will never drink/use again" just to see how it made us feel. I was the only one who could say it without a caveat -but it made me want to cry. It felt almost like a break up or a bereavement. It's over. I won't see the gin goblin again. I thought he was the one but he turned out to be a bastard.
I was then challenged to add "and I will NEVER change my mind". Never. That's a scary word. But I said it. I meant it.
The big difference the IR course made to me was that it helped me understand a bit about how I'd trained my brain to think I needed alcohol for survival, above even food and warmth. And it helped me understand that if I keep on saying no to the cravings I can train it back again, and those cravings will get fewer and fewer. The trick, apparently. is to not even enter into that internal debate with the craving - just tell it to fuck off, and it'll pass within a couple of minutes. If you debate with it, you feed it.
The bottle of wine that has been in the fridge since my birthday is open; hubby says he has been using it for cooking and hasn't drunk any. I consider this a travesty and have told him to bloody drink some. I have a vivid memory of last night pouring a glass and having a big gulp, holding it in my mouth, trying to decide if I liked it or not (I did!). Then pouring the rest of the glass away. There's no glass on the drainer, the bottle looked as full as it did yesterday, so I guess it was just a dream. But I had to actually check on those things to be sure. I could taste it.
I've been really depressed the last few days and it's a bit disappointing to realise that it can still happen now that I'm not bringing myself down with alcohol. I'm also still a lard arse! But maybe these things will change given more time. My skin is amazing, and in a certain part of town you can see my Size 18 form wrapped in blue satin on the cover of a magazine this month - I never imagined I'd be a cover girl! Yes, this has really happened, it's an actual magazine made of paper 'n' everything.
When I'm not in a glum mood, I can get up in the morning feeling fine. I can drive and know I'm safe. I have discovered photography, and through it some amazing people and places as well as what seems to be a new talent. And I can go for a night out, with people who are drinking, and have just as good a time as they are. And THEN drive them home and call them at 8am just to tease them ;)
If you're on Day 1, or Day 0, and reading this, I know you can't believe me yet. It's so hard just to start, and every day is one foot in front of the other. But honestly, it's not been easy and there have been so many times when I've thought a drink would help me out, but I've survived. I'm here on Day 99 just like that. And although it's not been easy, it's really not been THAT hard. It's ok. It's worth it.
What happens next? Well, ADS have discharged me. I still need to work on my mental health generally but at least now it's clearer who I actually am. I still have to let go of all of the regrets of how (despite all my achievements) maybe I could have done MORE and BETTER if I were sober - and just channel that into doing more and better now! But I'm also still learning to be kind to myself, to accept that some days it just ain't happening and that's being human.
I know that in the future that voice in my head will tell me to have just the one. I know there will be times when I'm really tempted, when people put a drink in my hand and egg me on. But I'll deal with that when it comes.
Tuesday, 28 July 2015
Day 50 - Pads, PAWS and Claws.
If I'm counting properly, I think that this is Day 50. I'm quite surprised, and also very proud of myself. I didn't think I would make it this far. A huge THANK YOU to all my blog-friends who have been there to help me through and encourage me!
I sound like someone giving an Oscars speech, like the prize has been won. It's interesting to me that there is no 'end' to this movie - or is there? Is there a celebration to be had at the end of every single day that I remain sober?
I'm feeling absolutely lousy at the moment - almost like I have a hangover which seems remarkably unfair considering. My back aches, my mind is fuzzy, my stomach is hollow and queasy, my mind is fuzzy. I just want to crawl back into bed. Not sure if this is PAWS or 'The Wall' (or are they the same thing?). It does become easy at this point to blame anything that goes wrong with the body or mind on sobriety, I suppose because there's comfort in thinking you know what is going on.
I know the correct answer to this is to be kind to myself - and I really am trying - but it's just so busy at the moment I can't slack off for a few days yet. I'm probably taking Friday off for a day out, and I'm definitely sleeping all day on Saturday, but I have to keep going until then.
We were out in London on Saturday night, and getting a cab back to the station after the theatre (which I can afford, now I'm not drinking!) was interesting - so many people late at night, stood on the street drinking. So many of them who probably felt rough as a badger's arse on Sunday morning. I looked at them and wondered where the pleasure was in what they were doing, tried to remember, and I honestly couldn't.
The flip side of that observation, though, was that when we went for a meal in Carluccios, a place I always associate with a large glass of white wine, I felt almost hypnotised by the glasses on the table until they were removed after we didn't order anything to go in them. Was that because of the habit of drinking wine in that place? Am I just a snobby alcoholic who considers herself too good to stand around on the street drinking from a plastic pint pot?
In the old days, I'd have had a glass of wine or two on the train, another with the meal, maybe two, two more at the theatre, and something when we got back to the B&B. Because it was spread out over 12 hours, I would consider that it wasn't that much. Interesting how none of those are just one drink.....!
My hands no longer shake.
I'm still great at procrastinating though. Back to work!!
I sound like someone giving an Oscars speech, like the prize has been won. It's interesting to me that there is no 'end' to this movie - or is there? Is there a celebration to be had at the end of every single day that I remain sober?
I'm feeling absolutely lousy at the moment - almost like I have a hangover which seems remarkably unfair considering. My back aches, my mind is fuzzy, my stomach is hollow and queasy, my mind is fuzzy. I just want to crawl back into bed. Not sure if this is PAWS or 'The Wall' (or are they the same thing?). It does become easy at this point to blame anything that goes wrong with the body or mind on sobriety, I suppose because there's comfort in thinking you know what is going on.
I know the correct answer to this is to be kind to myself - and I really am trying - but it's just so busy at the moment I can't slack off for a few days yet. I'm probably taking Friday off for a day out, and I'm definitely sleeping all day on Saturday, but I have to keep going until then.
We were out in London on Saturday night, and getting a cab back to the station after the theatre (which I can afford, now I'm not drinking!) was interesting - so many people late at night, stood on the street drinking. So many of them who probably felt rough as a badger's arse on Sunday morning. I looked at them and wondered where the pleasure was in what they were doing, tried to remember, and I honestly couldn't.
The flip side of that observation, though, was that when we went for a meal in Carluccios, a place I always associate with a large glass of white wine, I felt almost hypnotised by the glasses on the table until they were removed after we didn't order anything to go in them. Was that because of the habit of drinking wine in that place? Am I just a snobby alcoholic who considers herself too good to stand around on the street drinking from a plastic pint pot?
In the old days, I'd have had a glass of wine or two on the train, another with the meal, maybe two, two more at the theatre, and something when we got back to the B&B. Because it was spread out over 12 hours, I would consider that it wasn't that much. Interesting how none of those are just one drink.....!
My hands no longer shake.
I'm still great at procrastinating though. Back to work!!
Friday, 24 July 2015
A better start
I just wanted to quickly post something positive, as I have been a bit of a moaning minnie all week. The day has started well, SmallPerson was surprisingly pleasant this morning - I don't know whether that was cutting out the purple drinks, or not letting her have her ipad in the evening, but whatever it was it's like a small miracle has occurred. Long may it continue.
I'm still sober. And I am reminding myself that however much I might want to beat myself up for my many failings, that's one HUGE failing I no longer have. Yay me!
Have a lovely friday and thanks for putting up with me!
I'm still sober. And I am reminding myself that however much I might want to beat myself up for my many failings, that's one HUGE failing I no longer have. Yay me!
Have a lovely friday and thanks for putting up with me!
Tuesday, 14 July 2015
A nice thing happened.
I am not a small person. Size 16-18, bum and boobs. I gave up weighing about a year ago as I decided I didn't want to keep beating myself up about being who I am, so my main means of knowing which way my body is heading is through my clothes.
I also try very hard not to say anything negative about my body in front of SmallPerson - mum always struggled with her weight when I was growing up, she had a drawer full of diet books and did everything from Weight Watchers to the Cambridge Diet via F Plan. That insecurity passed on to me, and I'm determined it's not going any further!
Put on a pair of trousers which have been a bit tight this morning - still a bit tight but I thought not as bad and made a comment like 'oh, my Wine Belly must be shrinking'. Small hugged me and said 'Yes, when I hug you my fingers touch now!'.
Aww. I'm still waiting for the loss of the empty calories to make me Size 14 overnight by magic, but that will do for today.
I also try very hard not to say anything negative about my body in front of SmallPerson - mum always struggled with her weight when I was growing up, she had a drawer full of diet books and did everything from Weight Watchers to the Cambridge Diet via F Plan. That insecurity passed on to me, and I'm determined it's not going any further!
Put on a pair of trousers which have been a bit tight this morning - still a bit tight but I thought not as bad and made a comment like 'oh, my Wine Belly must be shrinking'. Small hugged me and said 'Yes, when I hug you my fingers touch now!'.
Aww. I'm still waiting for the loss of the empty calories to make me Size 14 overnight by magic, but that will do for today.
Sunday, 12 July 2015
One month of sobriety
My one-month sobriety anniversary passed by at some point in the last week. I always intended to make it this far but there was a large part of me on Day 1 which didn't think I could.
There are still plenty of struggles. It's really hard having to face up to emotions rather than numbing them every time. Learning how to deal with SmallPerson having a meltdown, the pressure I put on myself about my performance at work and my performance as a mother, life's day to day worries.
One thing I have learnt is that the 'depression' I've been on medication for the last 10+ years for may in fact just have been one long hangover. Still not sure on this one - I'm still up and down and trying to find out what my level of 'normal' is. Still taking the tablets for now, but this is an area which might develop. Today is certainly the first day in a month when I've really struggled to get out of bed, and that used to be a regular thing.
I'm getting more 'honest' with people about my not drinking - I still don't say it's a forever thing, but when people seem surprised that I'm still sober, I say I'm aiming for 100 days and that seems to keep them happy. Nobody has tried to pressure me to drink or pressed me too hard. A few times I've even explained that for me one drink isn't enough, and so moderating doesn't work for me and I decided to take control of it.
It's clear from some of the responses that people don't imagine that's a problem, or that my sobriety needs to be forever, but that's okay. I don't really need or want to talk about it with them.
Good things. I'm learning to live in the moment a bit more, to pause and think 'isn't this nice'. I'm still living life in a bit of a rush, and need to rein myself in a bit more. But I think I'm noticing more, remembering more. I can listen to a lecture online, or read a book, or watch a film, and actually be able to tell you a few days later what happened. God knows how I got through an MBA with no short term memory.
Sleep is different. Tiredness is different. Tiredness is something that runs through my whole body sometimes, and my mind, and falling asleep is a lovely moment. Waking up isn't always pleasant but I have a new found ability to get out of bed without lying there for half an hour psyching myself up for it.
I'm kinder to myself. I have nails, moisturiser goes onto my face from time to time. I even bought some clothes which weren't second hand! Occasionally I even give myself permission to miss a deadline or leave something until tomorrow. For me these are new things, for normal people I imagine them to be routine.
It does strike me that I don't really know what IS normal. By stopping drinking I sort of imagine myself as 'different' from others, but in fact I'm probably becoming less different every day. I wonder how we're meant to measure that, or even if it really matters? I'm me, that's probably enough.
My husband and mum are less worried about me. I'm a better mum, I'm more patient, more sympathetic, I have more time. These are the best things.
There are still plenty of struggles. It's really hard having to face up to emotions rather than numbing them every time. Learning how to deal with SmallPerson having a meltdown, the pressure I put on myself about my performance at work and my performance as a mother, life's day to day worries.
One thing I have learnt is that the 'depression' I've been on medication for the last 10+ years for may in fact just have been one long hangover. Still not sure on this one - I'm still up and down and trying to find out what my level of 'normal' is. Still taking the tablets for now, but this is an area which might develop. Today is certainly the first day in a month when I've really struggled to get out of bed, and that used to be a regular thing.
I'm getting more 'honest' with people about my not drinking - I still don't say it's a forever thing, but when people seem surprised that I'm still sober, I say I'm aiming for 100 days and that seems to keep them happy. Nobody has tried to pressure me to drink or pressed me too hard. A few times I've even explained that for me one drink isn't enough, and so moderating doesn't work for me and I decided to take control of it.
It's clear from some of the responses that people don't imagine that's a problem, or that my sobriety needs to be forever, but that's okay. I don't really need or want to talk about it with them.
Good things. I'm learning to live in the moment a bit more, to pause and think 'isn't this nice'. I'm still living life in a bit of a rush, and need to rein myself in a bit more. But I think I'm noticing more, remembering more. I can listen to a lecture online, or read a book, or watch a film, and actually be able to tell you a few days later what happened. God knows how I got through an MBA with no short term memory.
Sleep is different. Tiredness is different. Tiredness is something that runs through my whole body sometimes, and my mind, and falling asleep is a lovely moment. Waking up isn't always pleasant but I have a new found ability to get out of bed without lying there for half an hour psyching myself up for it.
I'm kinder to myself. I have nails, moisturiser goes onto my face from time to time. I even bought some clothes which weren't second hand! Occasionally I even give myself permission to miss a deadline or leave something until tomorrow. For me these are new things, for normal people I imagine them to be routine.
It does strike me that I don't really know what IS normal. By stopping drinking I sort of imagine myself as 'different' from others, but in fact I'm probably becoming less different every day. I wonder how we're meant to measure that, or even if it really matters? I'm me, that's probably enough.
My husband and mum are less worried about me. I'm a better mum, I'm more patient, more sympathetic, I have more time. These are the best things.
Monday, 6 July 2015
Day 28 - Four Weeks!
Wow. I'm sort of shocked to have made it to 4 weeks, and it doesn't feel like that long. I started writing this as 'three weeks' and then realised I was missing 7 days somewhere ;)
I 'came out' properly to my mum last night - this time she was appropriately supportive and said she had massive respect for me for doing it, and she had been worried about me. So that time in Week 1 when she managed to reduce me to tears with a comment was clearly me going through the post-gin emotional rollercoaster.
I've also 'come out', sort of, to my party guests for my birthday this weekend, just to say that I won't be drinking but they are welcome to. A couple of comments, but nothing too negative; and anyone who isn't interested in sober me isn't really a friend anyway, right?
There have been some ups and downs, and the initial 'high' of being sober is wearing off a bit. Tonight, I'm tired, my shoulders ache, I ought to get to bed soon really. But then, I did quite a bit yesterday (yeah, I can see that now, thank you for putting up with the pity party) and I worked hard today.
One thing I definitely need to get used to is that I can finally get more done, and be more focused; I was lying awake last night fretting about all the work piled up that I needed to get done. This morning, I just knuckled down to it. Most of it is done, some of it isn't, but it'll wait until tomorrow. I just need to learn to relax about that a little more!
So here are the benefits so far;
I 'came out' properly to my mum last night - this time she was appropriately supportive and said she had massive respect for me for doing it, and she had been worried about me. So that time in Week 1 when she managed to reduce me to tears with a comment was clearly me going through the post-gin emotional rollercoaster.
I've also 'come out', sort of, to my party guests for my birthday this weekend, just to say that I won't be drinking but they are welcome to. A couple of comments, but nothing too negative; and anyone who isn't interested in sober me isn't really a friend anyway, right?
There have been some ups and downs, and the initial 'high' of being sober is wearing off a bit. Tonight, I'm tired, my shoulders ache, I ought to get to bed soon really. But then, I did quite a bit yesterday (yeah, I can see that now, thank you for putting up with the pity party) and I worked hard today.
One thing I definitely need to get used to is that I can finally get more done, and be more focused; I was lying awake last night fretting about all the work piled up that I needed to get done. This morning, I just knuckled down to it. Most of it is done, some of it isn't, but it'll wait until tomorrow. I just need to learn to relax about that a little more!
So here are the benefits so far;
- I've not had a single day where I couldn't get out of bed (I used to blame this on depression!)
- In fact, when the alarm goes off I just get up and get on with it. I do still swear a bit though.
- No hangovers!
- No drink driving.
- Not sleeping so much on the weekend - and getting things done as a result.
- Not worrying about what I might have said, done or bought the night before
- Not having to think about where the next drink might be coming from!
- No more nagging about my drinking from anyone
- I'm calmer, and more patient, and I'm a better mum as a result
- I can think more, later - so although I'm not working in the evenings I'm doing something useful with my time, or reading, or being nice to myself, rather than just keeling over.
- My skin is way better!
- Things are still fun - in fact, things that are fun are probably better for being more memorable.
- I can remember movies more than 5 minutes after they end
- I'm taking better care of myself - nails, moisturiser, massages, time out to sit and relax...
- I seem to be getting over some of my social anxiety - I'm talking to strangers, even making new friends.
- I don't wake up in the night. I used to wake up and drink water routinely, and have to go to the loo, 2-3 times a night.
The downsides? Well, there's a hell of a lot of soul searching and self analysis which can get a bit wearing, and the fresh awareness of my self can be quite scary. Not being able to deaden emotions and feelings means I don't always know how to handle them. But all of this will pass with time and, I suppose, practice. I've not missed out on anything socially (I don't think), I don't miss the taste of alcohol (which surprises me).
I was able to remain pretty functional with a hell of a lot of booze in me. But a few times, I had 'that thing' which I'm assuming you'll be familiar with - getting to bed and suddenly realising you've REALLY overdone it and you're going to be really ill. You can't really walk, but you need to get to the bathroom, so you're bouncing off the walls and the doorframe. You know you have to be sick, to try to make it go away. You hate yourself, swear you won't do it again, as you knock back a pint of water only to throw that up as well. Everything spins and you want to shout for help and have it all go away.
I don't miss that one bit.
Friday, 3 July 2015
Day 25 - I wouldn't normally do this kind of thing...
So yesterday was The Festival. Yes, I got through it without alcohol though I did look covetously at everyone else's drinks. I even managed not to take a sip when I get getting drinks for other people.
I spent most of the afternoon working away from the main arena which really helped, but the coolest thing happened when the Pet Shop Boys were doing the closing set - I got to watch it from the mixing desk. I felt like some sort of VIP, and it was amazing especially the light show. I felt like it was my reward for staying sober, even though nobody else really knew.
It was also a great place to watch the very very drunken crowd from - most people appeared to be having a wonderful time, but I bet there were a few hundred sore heads this morning. A few people overdid it, passed out or leaning against walls looking a bit shaky. That would have been me with a free bar, not that long ago (not passing out, but definitely not brilliant). And I was glad it wasn't me, and happy that I was having such a great time even without a drink in me.
I think it's helped me in a big way with my fear that without alcohol nothing will feel quite as intense or fun. If anything I think being sober made it better. So there you go, a positive thing.
Also I got to drive back to the hotel after, and although getting up this morning was painful, it would have been a hell of a lot worse with a hangover.
The other thing which happened tonight; we have no AF beer in the house and I really fancied one. Hubs offered to go out and get some (bless him) and I said no, it would wait till tomorrow, I'd gone 2 nights without so what was one more. Thing is - if that was real beer, I'd NEVER have turned down the offer for him to go out and get some more. So I guess that's a positive sign too that just the habit is passing.
Oh, and another - bought 2 cans of G&T as a gift for a friend today, and the man in the shop said "Oh it's 4 for 3 at the moment" and I said - get this - "No thanks, 2 is enough".
Who the hell is this woman who has taken over my brain?? I like her!
Let's hope the weekend is as productive as the last one now. Hope you all have a great one!
I spent most of the afternoon working away from the main arena which really helped, but the coolest thing happened when the Pet Shop Boys were doing the closing set - I got to watch it from the mixing desk. I felt like some sort of VIP, and it was amazing especially the light show. I felt like it was my reward for staying sober, even though nobody else really knew.
It was also a great place to watch the very very drunken crowd from - most people appeared to be having a wonderful time, but I bet there were a few hundred sore heads this morning. A few people overdid it, passed out or leaning against walls looking a bit shaky. That would have been me with a free bar, not that long ago (not passing out, but definitely not brilliant). And I was glad it wasn't me, and happy that I was having such a great time even without a drink in me.
I think it's helped me in a big way with my fear that without alcohol nothing will feel quite as intense or fun. If anything I think being sober made it better. So there you go, a positive thing.
Also I got to drive back to the hotel after, and although getting up this morning was painful, it would have been a hell of a lot worse with a hangover.
The other thing which happened tonight; we have no AF beer in the house and I really fancied one. Hubs offered to go out and get some (bless him) and I said no, it would wait till tomorrow, I'd gone 2 nights without so what was one more. Thing is - if that was real beer, I'd NEVER have turned down the offer for him to go out and get some more. So I guess that's a positive sign too that just the habit is passing.
Oh, and another - bought 2 cans of G&T as a gift for a friend today, and the man in the shop said "Oh it's 4 for 3 at the moment" and I said - get this - "No thanks, 2 is enough".
Who the hell is this woman who has taken over my brain?? I like her!
Let's hope the weekend is as productive as the last one now. Hope you all have a great one!
Sunday, 28 June 2015
Day 20 - Time flies, but the days are so much longer
Day 20. I can't quite believe that. Three weeks tomorrow since that Monday night bender that precipitated my decision to quit. It feels like a lifetime ago and yet this all still seems to new and fresh.
So much happened today - I got my lie in (I got up in deference to a jet lagged husband yesterday - another thing that drinking me would not have been able to do), but I still bounded out of bed at about 11am, did a little work, and then set about my 'project', a caravan restoration which I launched myself at with enthusiasm for a few weeks last summer but which has mouldered on the driveway ever since.
I've decided I want to finish it for my birthday (2 weeks time) so that it can be a bar/social space for anyone who actually shows up to the BBQ that I rashly (and drunkenly, that Monday) decided to host. I'm really not a social person, so hosting An Event is a bit of a thing for me. I'm trying to be laid back about it, though, in keeping with new me.
Anyway - 30 minutes of sloshing paint around, off into the village to play at a concert for a couple of hours (thank you, sun, for coming out just in time), then home and into the garden. My new lawn mower arrived and sad as it may seem I had a fantastic time with it - it actually cuts the grass! The old one sort of flattened it, and churned some of it up, but this thing has made our tiny raggedy lawn look half presentable.
That spurred me on into a frenzy of weeding, trimming and watering, and I have to say I'm actually quite pleased with how my little patch is looking.
Then back in, and I've done a couple more hours work. I'm nowhere near caught up, but at gone 10pm it's definitely time to stop and relax. I still could do more though, and I'll probably read a little yet - so much for the bed at 10pm resolution - but to even be capable of intellectual thought past about 7pm is still novel to me. I'm just not that knackered, and that's new, and good.
I did have a craving today - it was funny. I watched people drinking at the concert, and thought how normally I would have had a pint, but I didn't really miss it. It was interesting watching who was drinking, who wasn't, how many people actually weren't at an event which I would just assume would be one for cracking out the wine in the sunshine. No, the craving hit me mid evening, just a feeling that I wanted to be slightly out of myself and have the lightness that a single drink gives.
Then of course the voice going, well why not, have one, be moderate, be one of those normal drinkers. Just have one, and stop. The voice is wrong. One leads to two, leads to fuzzy brain and a less good person, and places I don't want to go to again. I don't want to have more than one Day 1. I think I've been lucky, it's not been 'a struggle' as such, but I still don't want to go back to that self loathing and exhaustion and brain fog.
My memory is really improving too, which is paying dividends in so many ways. I'm still reliant on notes and my to-do list but I can watch a movie now and actually remember it a week later, even talk coherently about the plot. And I enjoy things, in general, a lot more now I'm focused on what I'm doing rather than when it will be over and I can get a glass of something.
I finished reading Last Drink to LA today (John Sutherland). I didn't like it at the start, I felt the author was quite condescending and a bit flowery with his language. But the epilogue was interesting, written 20 years later and by a more likeable character I felt. I also read Sober is the New Black, but to be honest the shonky formatting (Kindle version) drove me crackers and the use of !. at the end of every paragraph (one or the other people, not both!) made the grammar nitpicker in me want to weep.
Anyway time for me to get some rest, hopefully another good day tomorrow - I keep waffling on here about how much work I have to do, crunch time tomorrow as I have to actually do it. I think perhaps I should get up nice and early, the poor dog hasn't had a proper walk all weekend either. Early start, good walk, and get the first report finished before everyone wakes up. Stop laughing, dear reader....!
So much happened today - I got my lie in (I got up in deference to a jet lagged husband yesterday - another thing that drinking me would not have been able to do), but I still bounded out of bed at about 11am, did a little work, and then set about my 'project', a caravan restoration which I launched myself at with enthusiasm for a few weeks last summer but which has mouldered on the driveway ever since.
I've decided I want to finish it for my birthday (2 weeks time) so that it can be a bar/social space for anyone who actually shows up to the BBQ that I rashly (and drunkenly, that Monday) decided to host. I'm really not a social person, so hosting An Event is a bit of a thing for me. I'm trying to be laid back about it, though, in keeping with new me.
Anyway - 30 minutes of sloshing paint around, off into the village to play at a concert for a couple of hours (thank you, sun, for coming out just in time), then home and into the garden. My new lawn mower arrived and sad as it may seem I had a fantastic time with it - it actually cuts the grass! The old one sort of flattened it, and churned some of it up, but this thing has made our tiny raggedy lawn look half presentable.
That spurred me on into a frenzy of weeding, trimming and watering, and I have to say I'm actually quite pleased with how my little patch is looking.
Then back in, and I've done a couple more hours work. I'm nowhere near caught up, but at gone 10pm it's definitely time to stop and relax. I still could do more though, and I'll probably read a little yet - so much for the bed at 10pm resolution - but to even be capable of intellectual thought past about 7pm is still novel to me. I'm just not that knackered, and that's new, and good.
I did have a craving today - it was funny. I watched people drinking at the concert, and thought how normally I would have had a pint, but I didn't really miss it. It was interesting watching who was drinking, who wasn't, how many people actually weren't at an event which I would just assume would be one for cracking out the wine in the sunshine. No, the craving hit me mid evening, just a feeling that I wanted to be slightly out of myself and have the lightness that a single drink gives.
Then of course the voice going, well why not, have one, be moderate, be one of those normal drinkers. Just have one, and stop. The voice is wrong. One leads to two, leads to fuzzy brain and a less good person, and places I don't want to go to again. I don't want to have more than one Day 1. I think I've been lucky, it's not been 'a struggle' as such, but I still don't want to go back to that self loathing and exhaustion and brain fog.
My memory is really improving too, which is paying dividends in so many ways. I'm still reliant on notes and my to-do list but I can watch a movie now and actually remember it a week later, even talk coherently about the plot. And I enjoy things, in general, a lot more now I'm focused on what I'm doing rather than when it will be over and I can get a glass of something.
I finished reading Last Drink to LA today (John Sutherland). I didn't like it at the start, I felt the author was quite condescending and a bit flowery with his language. But the epilogue was interesting, written 20 years later and by a more likeable character I felt. I also read Sober is the New Black, but to be honest the shonky formatting (Kindle version) drove me crackers and the use of !. at the end of every paragraph (one or the other people, not both!) made the grammar nitpicker in me want to weep.
Anyway time for me to get some rest, hopefully another good day tomorrow - I keep waffling on here about how much work I have to do, crunch time tomorrow as I have to actually do it. I think perhaps I should get up nice and early, the poor dog hasn't had a proper walk all weekend either. Early start, good walk, and get the first report finished before everyone wakes up. Stop laughing, dear reader....!
Saturday, 27 June 2015
Day 19 - Immersed
A great day today - the sun was shining, I was up early (I always used to sleep beyond noon on a Saturday), got a ton done in the garden, then went out for the afternoon with a friend to an artsy/theatrical thing in town. It was fun, and since we are both pretty socially terrible I was able to relax into it without drinking - there's a lot to be said for hanging out with people who are just as rubbish as you are ;)
I did make the mistake of asking whether they served alcohol free beer in a bar where really, I should have known it was a stupid question...I don't think they even knew such a thing existed. But when my friend asked for a J2O they'd never heard of that either, so I didn't feel too bad.
SmallPerson bought be some sweets today too, so I'm off to eat those now!
I did make the mistake of asking whether they served alcohol free beer in a bar where really, I should have known it was a stupid question...I don't think they even knew such a thing existed. But when my friend asked for a J2O they'd never heard of that either, so I didn't feel too bad.
SmallPerson bought be some sweets today too, so I'm off to eat those now!
Wednesday, 24 June 2015
Day 16 - I love my bed
I really do love my bed. It's enormous, and it's squashy, and I have a lovely thick duvet on it so that I feel totally cocooned when I curl up in it. I also love sleeping. I suppose now that I don't drink any more, its my favourite hobby. One side effect of sobriety has been that my sleep quality is increasing, but also that I don't have much trouble settling down now. Although my goal of getting up at 6am has moved to 7am, going to bed by 10 has been easy - in fact it's been a pleasure.
Tell the truth, I've been upstairs by half 8 all week, reading with SmallPerson while hubby is away, sharing lights out time and the duvet with her. It's been lovely.
What's unusual about all this is that I have a ton of work to do, and normally I would be really stressed out and sitting here in the evening working on it. My ability to shut off at 6pm and spend time with my daughter, do a few things around the house, and just relax, is a new one and I think a positive thing. I'm just generally more relaxed, going with the flow a little more. I even lay in the long grass today for a few minutes when I was out with the dog, and didn't feel TOO guilty about taking my time going back to work.
I'm also taking a lot more care of myself, which I don't think is a conscious decision, but more perhaps that I like myself a bit more so think I'm worth it. Things have been happening with nail varnish and moisturiser! I definitely think my skin looks a bit plumper, though it's still pretty uneven in tone - perhaps that's just the way it is anyway though. I'm not really a makeup person but I'm sure a bit of foundation would sort it out if I really started to care.
The sign up sheet for the school summer fair went up today. I nabbed the position I have always wanted without thinking - running the beer and pimms stand for an hour. Whoops. Still, it'll be sort of interesting to look at how much people drink, and who drinks, and who comes back for a second one. Last year, I was the person coming back for a third and wishing it was my job to sit there and pour it out! I'm not nervous that it will make me want to drink, and I hope my confidence lasts.
Tell the truth, I've been upstairs by half 8 all week, reading with SmallPerson while hubby is away, sharing lights out time and the duvet with her. It's been lovely.
What's unusual about all this is that I have a ton of work to do, and normally I would be really stressed out and sitting here in the evening working on it. My ability to shut off at 6pm and spend time with my daughter, do a few things around the house, and just relax, is a new one and I think a positive thing. I'm just generally more relaxed, going with the flow a little more. I even lay in the long grass today for a few minutes when I was out with the dog, and didn't feel TOO guilty about taking my time going back to work.
I'm also taking a lot more care of myself, which I don't think is a conscious decision, but more perhaps that I like myself a bit more so think I'm worth it. Things have been happening with nail varnish and moisturiser! I definitely think my skin looks a bit plumper, though it's still pretty uneven in tone - perhaps that's just the way it is anyway though. I'm not really a makeup person but I'm sure a bit of foundation would sort it out if I really started to care.
The sign up sheet for the school summer fair went up today. I nabbed the position I have always wanted without thinking - running the beer and pimms stand for an hour. Whoops. Still, it'll be sort of interesting to look at how much people drink, and who drinks, and who comes back for a second one. Last year, I was the person coming back for a third and wishing it was my job to sit there and pour it out! I'm not nervous that it will make me want to drink, and I hope my confidence lasts.
Sunday, 21 June 2015
Day 14 - What the hell time is this?
The clock tells me it's 6.37am, and I can assure you that so far today I've already updated the accounts, done the VAT return, and started writing bids for new work, as well as progressing the laundry, letting the dog out, and sorting out the dodgy printer upstairs.
What fresh hell is this? I'm not even drinking coffee. I should be asleep, like normal people.
It feels fantastic.
What fresh hell is this? I'm not even drinking coffee. I should be asleep, like normal people.
It feels fantastic.
Phew (Day 13)
So it's been a mad few days work-wise, even working yesterday and today. I don't feel very relaxed, or in control. There are a lot of things that need doing at home as well, that I'm finding it hard to get motivated about.
I think there's a danger time coming up. Hubs is away for a week, so that's going to add to my stress plus there's nobody here to hold me accountable. Stocking up on tonic and AF beer so that I have something to put in my glass, and moving all the alcohol to the garage so it's not within easy reach. I feel like some twisted survivalist with all this stockpiling. I have to juggle sole responsibility for the house and family with a very busy week at work, and that is my number one drinking trigger.
The Gin Goblin has a lot to say for herself tonight, but the only alcohol in the house is a bottle of beer in the fridge, and I'm prepared to tip it down the sink if I find myself opening it! This is Day 13 and I'm not giving in.
The last few days have been filled with many beautiful moments, and I do feel like since I stopped drinking I'm more 'present' and able to appreciate them, even if my "Type A" need to always be moving forward still gets in the way a little. I've also noticed that I'm becoming more opinionated! I'm not sure if this is because I'm a bit stressed and grumpy, or whether it's because I feel more able to put together a coherent argument - with politics, for example, I'd always back away saying I didn't know enough about it, but get me talking about Greece and the EU and I can really unleash it! I also have opinions about people who hog the middle lane on the motorway, various really badly managed things (for example the YouMeBumBumTrain ticket fiasco this evening), and laundry powder.
Sleep is interesting - I struggled to unwind and sleep last night but I was still able to get up relatively early today. As you might have guessed, 6am starts have been a bit beyond me, but I can go to bed at 10 and get up at 7 without too much trouble. Mornings are definitely getting easier.
I think there's a danger time coming up. Hubs is away for a week, so that's going to add to my stress plus there's nobody here to hold me accountable. Stocking up on tonic and AF beer so that I have something to put in my glass, and moving all the alcohol to the garage so it's not within easy reach. I feel like some twisted survivalist with all this stockpiling. I have to juggle sole responsibility for the house and family with a very busy week at work, and that is my number one drinking trigger.
The Gin Goblin has a lot to say for herself tonight, but the only alcohol in the house is a bottle of beer in the fridge, and I'm prepared to tip it down the sink if I find myself opening it! This is Day 13 and I'm not giving in.
The last few days have been filled with many beautiful moments, and I do feel like since I stopped drinking I'm more 'present' and able to appreciate them, even if my "Type A" need to always be moving forward still gets in the way a little. I've also noticed that I'm becoming more opinionated! I'm not sure if this is because I'm a bit stressed and grumpy, or whether it's because I feel more able to put together a coherent argument - with politics, for example, I'd always back away saying I didn't know enough about it, but get me talking about Greece and the EU and I can really unleash it! I also have opinions about people who hog the middle lane on the motorway, various really badly managed things (for example the YouMeBumBumTrain ticket fiasco this evening), and laundry powder.
Sleep is interesting - I struggled to unwind and sleep last night but I was still able to get up relatively early today. As you might have guessed, 6am starts have been a bit beyond me, but I can go to bed at 10 and get up at 7 without too much trouble. Mornings are definitely getting easier.
Monday, 15 June 2015
Day 7 - Welcome to the rollercoaster
As you could probably guess, after posting last night I ended up having a little cry. Kept it in until hubs asked if I was okay - well no, dammit, I wasn't. He was appropriately lovely and kind to me and listened to my partially formed thoughts about what was going on, until I calmed down.
I can't really remember the last time I just cried like that. I shed a few tears when a friend died a few months ago, but no real proper full on snot everywhere sobbing for the longest time. Interesting. I suppose this is a sign that I'm not numbing my emotions any more. Perhaps I have to get used to letting it out from time to time!
I think I still have a lot of thinking to do about my feelings of needing approval and fear of failure etc etc. But not today. Today has been a great day.
I went to bed as intended at 10pm last night, but it took me a long time to go to sleep so I let myself sleep until 6.30. I was rewarded for the early morning dog walking session by a fleeting glimpse of a deer, and enjoyed the sunshine and the views and the peace and quiet. The world felt good - and it's been pretty much that way ever since. Lunch outside in the sunshine, got a ton done at work, watered the garden, had a laugh with my SmallPerson, and I feel really relaxed and happy rather than thinking on to all the things I still need to do.
Maybe it's the milestone of having (nearly) completed Week 1 but I really do feel good. Things I've noticed already -
I can't really remember the last time I just cried like that. I shed a few tears when a friend died a few months ago, but no real proper full on snot everywhere sobbing for the longest time. Interesting. I suppose this is a sign that I'm not numbing my emotions any more. Perhaps I have to get used to letting it out from time to time!
I think I still have a lot of thinking to do about my feelings of needing approval and fear of failure etc etc. But not today. Today has been a great day.
I went to bed as intended at 10pm last night, but it took me a long time to go to sleep so I let myself sleep until 6.30. I was rewarded for the early morning dog walking session by a fleeting glimpse of a deer, and enjoyed the sunshine and the views and the peace and quiet. The world felt good - and it's been pretty much that way ever since. Lunch outside in the sunshine, got a ton done at work, watered the garden, had a laugh with my SmallPerson, and I feel really relaxed and happy rather than thinking on to all the things I still need to do.
Maybe it's the milestone of having (nearly) completed Week 1 but I really do feel good. Things I've noticed already -
- Ability to just wake up and get up in the mornings!
- Far more relaxed, although I still think about my to do list I don't think I'm obsessing quite as much about it.
- Side effect of this is that I think I'm getting more done, because I'm just getting on with it rather than putting it off and fretting about it.
- I'm more attentive, particularly with SmallPerson - in the evenings now I don't mind going and sharing a bath and having a chat with her, whereas before I was desperate to get back downstairs and have a drink.
- I'm less critical - particularly of hubs, who is a good guy and does his best. I'm more able to accept that he just doesn't always do things my way or with the superhuman efficiency which I exhibit.
- Eating far less, and more healthily - I'm more able to say "I've had enough" and push the plate away, and the things I crave are healthier. I'm not snacking at all.
- I'm starting to say to people "Oh, I'm not drinking at the moment". I've not managed to suggest to anyone that it's permanent yet, but it's no longer a deep dark secret experiment.
I have no readers so I'll be my own cheerleader - well done Susie, you made it a week! Heres to the next one.
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