Twenty Something

More than 3 weeks, closing in on 4, and at that happy point where without counting I can't tell you exactly how many days it is. I've not really had any serious cravings or second thoughts, until last night; I had a really stressful day at work (things are not going entirely brilliantly financially) and wanted to just fall face down into a bucket of gin when I got home. But I'm pleased to say I gave myself a pep talk - the Gin Goblin might help me to escape from my worries for an evening but it would also stop me from taking action to actually change the situation. So I stayed sober and worked through the evening instead, which was clearly more productive.

I'm feeling quite sorry for myself at the moment. I fell over on Friday (yeah, sober, what are the odds?) and hurt myself quite badly although nothing broken. Lost the weekend to mild concussion and I still ache all over which is stopping me from sleeping too well. Right now I'm working, but in my pyjamas, and vaguely contemplating how nice it would be to go back to bed. I think tonight I'm gone at 8pm with a good book - just need to keep going until then. Moan moan moan.

I'm not especially noting any huge benefits of sobriety this time around - but perhaps that's because I've been too focused on my recent one woman pity party. I'm getting things done, I guess, but I'm still waking up headachey and fuzzy. Who knew - you can get the effects of alcohol without actually spending money on it!

The next big test for me will be Friday - a night alone in a hotel in a strange city. I'm taking my camera and hoping to get some good architectural shots, and I'll be checking out the local sushi bars. Then I'll get some sleep like the sensible thing I am!

Nineteen

It's funny how the first few days seem to go so slowly, but here I am now closing in rapidly on 3 weeks of sobriety. I know it's hardly any time at all, but suddenly goals like a month don't seem so very hard at all. There's definitely something about that first week - and especially Day 3 - which is uniquely tough.

My mood has stabilised somewhat since Monday. I'm still a bit up and down, but also a bit more rational and a bit less tearful. We had an even worse morning with Ellie yesterday but I stayed calm and in control of it, even though we ended up being an hour late in to school. I definitely coped much better.

I was working overnight in London last night and found myself half an hour before closing in a pub which is basically my idea of heaven - former CAMRA pub of the year, and 20 real ales behind the bar. I had a diet coke, and only wanted beer a tiny bit. Not so much that I even for a moment contemplated actually ordering one; so that was a victory. And good to know I don't have to miss out on sitting in pubs reading books, which I do think is one of life's pleasures!

I'm absolutely shattered today, lack of sleep, probably got 5 hours in a very uncomfortable bed. My neck and shoulders have been hurting as I think I've been hunching up from all the stresses of the last few weeks. And I have to be on the road at 6am tomorrow for another insanely long day. I've managed to get a good bit of work done today but it's busy, and so I feel like I'm falling behind (I am!). It's a juggling act at the moment to meet deadlines and set reasonable expectations - there's nothing I can't finish, but finishing things by Friday when I won't get back to the office until Monday afternoon is looking sort of impossible.

Keep breathing.

Day 9 - The Storm

Day 9 already. This time around, I seem to have arrived here entirely without drama, without needing to really reach out or hold myself back. It's a little too easy - but I know that Gin Goblin all too well so I mustn't become complacent.

I'm going to visit my mum later in the week, so will go through several of my drinking triggers there - both socially and emotionally. Mum's on board with supporting me though, she won't offer me a drink! Thinking back, though, last time I was sober I remember having a sip of the sherry I poured her and then deciding I didn't want any, anyway.

The storm isn't an emotional one, it's the actual weather. We were promised heavy snow starting 10pm last night and lasting 24 hours. There's no snow - what we have instead is 60mph winds which haven't let up all night. The letterbox and the cat flap banging are driving the dog mad, and I've had about 5 hours' sleep. Hubs is sleeping soundly upstairs (it's his turn to sleep in), and I'm downstairs with E trying to get off the sofa.

I'm still lacking motivation in a big way. I have things I need to do this weekend, things I have been putting off for ages. I could easily keep myself busy today with little jobs around the house before we even start thinking about the work things that are piling up too! Being up early means I could get so much done, so why am I under a blanket on the sofa, waiting for hubs to get up so that I can sneak back to bed for an hour?

This all sounds really negative - actually I'm...well, I'm not full of the joys, but I'm feeling pretty neutral. Everything is 'ok'. I have a day off work tomorrow for my photography class, so need to spend some time today getting my most recent work together for review, and I'll be spending tomorrow with friends. Focus on the positive...one of those friends is Sober R who has been great, checking in on me daily and sympathising with the rough parts. I think having seen what he has achieved has helped to motivate me to do this again.

Day 6

Hello, world.

I don't really know what I want to write about today, I suppose I'm just checking in. It'll be a week tomorrow which feels both like a big milestone, and a small one - but mainly I'm focusing on just doing this one day at a time.

My brain is definitely starting to wake up again. I managed to figure something out in Photoshop last night which has eluded me for the past 12 months, and I'm about to launch into some fairly technical stuff at work which isn't too daunting. I'm lacking a bit of mojo for work at the moment but I've been like that all year if the truth be told. Hoping that will come back, as I start to come back too.

Sleep is still an issue. I'm tending to drop off around 1am, and I have to be up at 6.30 to get E ready for school (you have never seen anyone move as slowly in the morning as her!). Definitely feeling like I'm crawling towards Saturday and the promise of no alarm clock...I have been going to bed around 10pm and reading for a bit but sleep eludes me even when I do everything 'right'.

Yesterday evening I had to battle some pretty big cravings. I think I was as close to cracking as I have come so far. Not really sure what triggered it other than that I was tired, running my bath, and thought how nice it would be to soak and drink. Sober Friend R has recommended Eisberg as being a reasonably acceptable alternative but I do remember trying it last time around and loathing it. I think perhaps a year of sobriety has made him forget what wine actually tastes like ;)

Anyway, I decided there wasn't anything in the house that I liked well enough to break my streak for - there is gin, but happily I'm not dreadfully keen on it, some sort of strange yellowish 'bathtub' gin. I tried to distract myself on r/stopdrinking but reading about other people's benders just made me want what they had been drinking! In the end I just went to bed with a book, and that did the trick.

I have a meeting / cake session at 3pm today with a client, so it's a short day at least. Best get on with it!

Guess what? Day 1!

It's another Day 1.

Monday, I didn't drink, and it wasn't a struggle. But what I'm noticing is that I'm comparing "current me" to "really bad drinking" me, and using that as an excuse to keep drinking. And I suspect being able to make excuses is a sign of ...something....

Yesterday was a very fucked up day in many ways. Some great things happened, some downright horrible things happened. So when I got home I had a G&T. And a beer. And a glass of wine.

Yeah. No excuses for that, really, are there?

I'm on a bit of a self improvement kick in other ways. I went for a run yesterday (I don't think I will do it again. It was horrible). I've been getting up at 5.30am to work and making sure I'm in bed by 10pm which has been working surprisingly well. But today - Didn't get up until 6.30am (lazybones!), and not feeling too motivated. I don't feel ill, but I'm tired, and I'm grumpy, and that'll be a hangover I guess.

When I was considering it this morning, what I realised was it didn't help me at all. What helped me last night was talking to the person who had upset me, and discovering that whilst I had cause to be upset, it wasn't quite as bad as I had taken it to be.

Also - did I enjoy any of those drinks? I don't think I did. I don't think any of them tasted especially wonderful, I don't remember sitting and just savouring one and thinking "Oh, that's nice".

When I sobered up last year (for 6 months!!) I'd been considering it and finding excuses not to do it for a while, and when it happened I felt 'ready' for it. I feel ready again, now.

A bucket of wine

Today has been basically horrible. We were meant to be going to a theme park for the day - planned for weeks, big day out, think to look forward to. Unfortunately SmallPerson's chronic procrastination accompanied by rudeness and screaming meant that I had to follow through after I said 'if you're not ready and downstairs in 10 minutes we aren't going'.

There was a lot more to it than that, but all I'm left with now is the feeling that I'm somehow a bad parent - even though I know drawing a line is good parenting. But I ruined my day as well and oh man was it draining dealing with a couple of hours of that and not erupting like Vesuvius.

We ended up going to my office instead, where I sent my other employee home at lunchtime as I was so ratty I was scared I was going to start snapping at him too. SP was as sulky as you would expect and I just could NOT concentrate on anything. So it's all been one big waste of time and effort.

I'm just wrecked now, can't think, exhausted, really down. I could open a bottle of wine right now and just gulp it. Who needs a glass?

I'm gulping AF beer instead and trying to forget that hubs has a chilled bottle of white in the fridge. This is one of those big test moments. But right now being able to switch off and numb it all really does feel like a very good idea.

I'll try to post something more positive tomorrow I promise!

Save me

It's Sunday morning and I'm sitting in a soft play centre surrounded by women I don't know and their terribly loud children. There are a few people here I ought to talk to just to be polite (friends of the in laws) but currently I'm working on the theory that they can start the conversation if they think we ought to chat!

Admittedly sat here in my corner staring at the iPad I'm not sending out very social signals but hey. 

SmallPerson seems to have reached the age where parties are smaller, quieter affairs. I'm glad as places like this are basically my idea of hell. There's not even any wine! It's just inhumane. I'm looking at the other mums and wondering if any of them are like me, or like I was. Wishing they had a glass to help them through this horror. Or are any of the others quietly remembering when that would have been their main thought, when they would have been counting the minutes to return home and have a 'well earned' glass or three for putting up with this?

Only an hour to go. Ugh. 

I am noticing that the thoughts of alcohol are a bit stronger at the moment. I'm still not ready to open a bottle but I seem to have noticed its absence a bit more this last week. Out for lunch yesterday and there was a nice cold bottle looking at me. Friday night wanting to just forget the slightly rubbishy week that had just ended. Today, when I am beating myself up for all the unfinished projects and the state of the house. 

This too shall pass. Hand my my diet coke, stat!

One month of sobriety

My one-month sobriety anniversary passed by at some point in the last week. I always intended to make it this far but there was a large part of me on Day 1 which didn't think I could.

There are still plenty of struggles. It's really hard having to face up to emotions rather than numbing them every time. Learning how to deal with SmallPerson having a meltdown, the pressure I put on myself about my performance at work and my performance as a mother, life's day to day worries.

One thing I have learnt is that the 'depression' I've been on medication for the last 10+ years for may in fact just have been one long hangover. Still not sure on this one - I'm still up and down and trying to find out what my level of 'normal' is. Still taking the tablets for now, but this is an area which might develop. Today is certainly the first day in a month when I've really struggled to get out of bed, and that used to be a regular thing.

I'm getting more 'honest' with people about my not drinking - I still don't say it's a forever thing, but when people seem surprised that I'm still sober, I say I'm aiming for 100 days and that seems to keep them happy. Nobody has tried to pressure me to drink or pressed me too hard. A few times I've even explained that for me one drink isn't enough, and so moderating doesn't work for me and I decided to take control of it.

It's clear from some of the responses that people don't imagine that's a problem, or that my sobriety needs to be forever, but that's okay. I don't really need or want to talk about it with them.

Good things. I'm learning to live in the moment a bit more, to pause and think 'isn't this nice'. I'm still living life in a bit of a rush, and need to rein myself in a bit more. But I think I'm noticing more, remembering more. I can listen to a lecture online, or read a book, or watch a film, and actually be able to tell you a few days later what happened. God knows how I got through an MBA with no short term memory.

Sleep is different. Tiredness is different. Tiredness is something that runs through my whole body sometimes, and my mind, and falling asleep is a lovely moment. Waking up isn't always pleasant but I have a new found ability to get out of bed without lying there for half an hour psyching myself up for it.

I'm kinder to myself. I have nails, moisturiser goes onto my face from time to time. I even bought some clothes which weren't second hand! Occasionally I even give myself permission to miss a deadline or leave something until tomorrow. For me these are new things, for normal people I imagine them to be routine.

It does strike me that I don't really know what IS normal. By stopping drinking I sort of imagine myself as 'different' from others, but in fact I'm probably becoming less different every day. I wonder how we're meant to measure that, or even if it really matters? I'm me, that's probably enough.

My husband and mum are less worried about me. I'm a better mum, I'm more patient, more sympathetic, I have more time. These are the best things.

Day 18 - That Friday Feeling

I'm still here - a couple of evenings without a good internet connection now happily fixed. I do find it hard to remember life pre-net, and I'm nearly 40, so you'd think it would all come rushing back to me in a haze of Encyclopaedia Britannica and small screened big boxed televisions.

We're so used to being able to have information as soon as we want it, all our questions answered, even to have shopping delivered within hours without leaving the house.  Perhaps this is another addiction that I suffer from; I'm not a very social person out there in the real world, so the internet is my way of connecting with people and having 'friends', of a sort. Though who is to say that the people you meet online aren't real friends - just because you're not all sitting on the sofa together watching Bridget Jones. That's probably a longer thesis for another day!

I was planning to write tonight about how I'm losing count of my days sober, and how I think that's probably a good thing - I'm aware it's 2 and a bit weeks but I have to tot up the days. But now I sit down I'm actually stuck by a less good thing that was happening in my brain earlier.

I am going to have to work on the weekend as once again I over-promised and under-delivered (I need to get better at making people wait!). So this evening I'm a little stressed, although it has to be said a lot calmer than I would have been a month ago. I'm knocking back the AF beers like they are going out of fashion, and I have one left - and I can hear the Gin Goblin going into a little panic, like, what will I do once they are all gone? What else is there? Is the only thing left actual alcohol - is there any? That'll do! No it won't, shut it Goblin!

It's just like the voice would do when I was drinking alcohol - planning ahead, stressing about where the next drink is coming from, making sure there is enough available. It's interesting and a bit scary to me that I can trigger it just from the 'ritual' of a bottle of beer, without even taking in any alcohol or getting the brief buzz it provides. What's that about?

I'm still not feeling like it's 'dangerous', the willpower is still good, but I can see the chinks in my armour. Perhaps it's time for another early retreat to bed!

Day 15 - Green spots

Yesterday was a really productive day after my early start, caffeine got me through the wall mid afternoon and Things Got Done. I was flaked out in bed with SmallPerson by 9pm though, and slept through until 7 today.

Today - I'm basically compensating for it by being useless. Work is going so very slowly (I have so much to do, can't afford to slack like this!), and I'm covered in spots of green paint because I keep running outside to spend '5 minutes' treating the shed. I look like I have some sort of terrible disease. Not sure if I should wash it off before the school run, or try to scare the children a little bit?

I did take the dog for a very long walk, which he needed, but I've not managed to unload the tumble dryer or do the washing up, which is a bit pathetic. Oh, and that work stuff. Not done that either.

On a day like this 'before' I would probably have called it a day and had a glass of wine about now - it would be relatively unusual for me to drink during 'work hours' but I did tend to do it when I was trying to excuse myself for taking it easy. It's hard now to just allow myself to have a bit of an off day, and accept that these things happen and it doesn't make me a total failure as a human being. When I'm not drinking, I have to keep thinking, and thinking isn't always my friend. I tend to do too much of it.

It feels good to have made it 2 weeks, but when I'm in a less positive mindset it also feels a bit pathetic and pointless. Only 2 weeks? I could blow it all in a second without thinking about it - one moment of 'oh, fuck it' when there's alcohol within reach. It's a drop in the ocean (hah!) when compared to the rest of my life - I might have to be sober for the next 40 years. I don't know why that's such a scary thought really. The reasons for not drinking aren't going to change, all that changes is that as time passes I might forget just how bad drinking made me feel.

My memories of alcohol aren't especially positive. I don't even know if I like the taste of it, when I think about it properly. The things I did and said when drunk were often negative, the way I felt the next day definitely so. But this damn Gin Goblin still likes to think that maybe, one day, I'll be on top of it and be able to 'moderate' my drinking, despite all the evidence to the contrary. I know I won't. I know one drink will never be enough for me.

I'm not about to give in, but I wish I could reprogram myself a little more easily!

Phew (Day 13)

So it's been a mad few days work-wise, even working yesterday and today. I don't feel very relaxed, or in control. There are a lot of things that need doing at home as well, that I'm finding it hard to get motivated about.

I think there's a danger time coming up. Hubs is away for a week, so that's going to add to my stress plus there's nobody here to hold me accountable. Stocking up on tonic and AF beer so that I have something to put in my glass, and moving all the alcohol to the garage so it's not within easy reach. I feel like some twisted survivalist with all this stockpiling. I have to juggle sole responsibility for the house and family with a very busy week at work, and that is my number one drinking trigger.

The Gin Goblin has a lot to say for herself tonight, but the only alcohol in the house is a bottle of beer in the fridge, and I'm prepared to tip it down the sink if I find myself opening it! This is Day 13 and I'm not giving in.

The last few days have been filled with many beautiful moments, and I do feel like since I stopped drinking I'm more 'present' and able to appreciate them, even if my "Type A" need to always be moving forward still gets in the way a little. I've also noticed that I'm becoming more opinionated! I'm not sure if this is because I'm a bit stressed and grumpy, or whether it's because I feel more able to put together a coherent argument - with politics, for example, I'd always back away saying I didn't know enough about it, but get me talking about Greece and the EU and I can really unleash it! I also have opinions about people who hog the middle lane on the motorway, various really badly managed things (for example the YouMeBumBumTrain ticket fiasco this evening), and laundry powder.

Sleep is interesting - I struggled to unwind and sleep last night but I was still able to get up relatively early today. As you might have guessed, 6am starts have been a bit beyond me, but I can go to bed at 10 and get up at 7 without too much trouble. Mornings are definitely getting easier.

Day 8 - Meet the Gin Goblin

I'm already having to think about how many days it's been, which I think is probably a good sign. I'm really not obsessing about alcohol at all....

That's a lie, actually. I to tend to have an 'all or nothing' nature and my current obsession is staying sober, so I am obsessing but in what is hopefully a positive way. Reading lots of blogs, listening to podcasts, reminding myself constantly of the benefits and how much better I feel. I'm almost tempted to go to an AA meeting just to talk to other obsessives, but I suspect it would just piss me off - I accept that the 'higher power' doesn't have to be "God" in the traditional sense, but I don't accept that I'm powerless against alcohol. I think at this point I understand exactly where the power boundary lies, and it's between drinking and not drinking - if I drink, then sure, the alcohol takes over. So I just have to make sure I stay on this side of the line, and then, it has no power.

Don't know if that makes any sense at all - I'm just rambling really.

But I'm not really craving a drink - I have moments where I think I'd like one, but I've noticed that it seems to be more habitual than a craving. To unwind at the end of the day, or when I'm feeling a bit stressed out. Tonic water with elderflower cordial and some fresh mint is honestly as good as any G&T, and Brew Dog's "Nanny State" is very nice too (Eisberg wine, otoh...ewwwww).

I'm seeing the addiction counsellor today, first time in three weeks so my new found sobriety will be news to her. I am already setting myself up for a fall, anticipating some praise where what I'll actually get is more likely to be 'well we did discuss how this might be the best route for you - now how are you going to maintain it'. Much more practical but I want rainbows and unicorns, dammit.

I am getting an inkling of how easy it would be to relapse though - already I've caught that little voice (which I need a name for - the Gin Goblin?) - suggesting to me that perhaps this doesn't have to be FOREVER and since I clearly CAN control my intake, surely I could moderate my drinking after all. Since I've been able to stop for a week, OBVIOUSLY I'm not an alcoholic.

I'm telling the little voice to shut up, because one gin, or wine, or beer, will never be enough for me, and I know it. Forever feels like a scarily long time, but I'm done with the guilt and the tiredness and the constant thinking about when I can have a drink. Done. So, Goblin, you can fuck right off.