Nineteen

It's funny how the first few days seem to go so slowly, but here I am now closing in rapidly on 3 weeks of sobriety. I know it's hardly any time at all, but suddenly goals like a month don't seem so very hard at all. There's definitely something about that first week - and especially Day 3 - which is uniquely tough.

My mood has stabilised somewhat since Monday. I'm still a bit up and down, but also a bit more rational and a bit less tearful. We had an even worse morning with Ellie yesterday but I stayed calm and in control of it, even though we ended up being an hour late in to school. I definitely coped much better.

I was working overnight in London last night and found myself half an hour before closing in a pub which is basically my idea of heaven - former CAMRA pub of the year, and 20 real ales behind the bar. I had a diet coke, and only wanted beer a tiny bit. Not so much that I even for a moment contemplated actually ordering one; so that was a victory. And good to know I don't have to miss out on sitting in pubs reading books, which I do think is one of life's pleasures!

I'm absolutely shattered today, lack of sleep, probably got 5 hours in a very uncomfortable bed. My neck and shoulders have been hurting as I think I've been hunching up from all the stresses of the last few weeks. And I have to be on the road at 6am tomorrow for another insanely long day. I've managed to get a good bit of work done today but it's busy, and so I feel like I'm falling behind (I am!). It's a juggling act at the moment to meet deadlines and set reasonable expectations - there's nothing I can't finish, but finishing things by Friday when I won't get back to the office until Monday afternoon is looking sort of impossible.

Keep breathing.

Seventeen

I'm assuming it's good that I'm not as reliant on my blog as my sobriety outlet this time around...right? There's something comforting about having done this before - I know I can, at least for 6 months - but there's something scary about what comes after that. Can I keep it up this time? Forever is a scary thing.

Survived the trip home. E was a bit of a pain, wouldn't really go out or do anything and we had a few meltdowns to contend with. On the plus side, I had a day out walking on the coast while mum looked after her (thanks mum!) and I chugged multiple Nanny States each evening and avoided the lovely village local and its lovely, lovely beer.

I feel as though I've been very bad tempered and impatient with E, her quirks and features (I don't want to say her 'disability' but it does seem like the right word to use sometimes) make everything seem like a battle, a struggle, sometimes. I was in tears this morning trying to get her ready for school on time despite us having been up for 2 hours. I don't know if this is just part of withdrawal, or me just not coping with life generally. I feel quite selfish, there are things I want to do! I want a normal life with a child who does what they are told and takes less than an hour to put a sock on! Bwaaaaah!

As a woman who has to have a plan, I have a plan. I'm going to try to be calmer, and if I still feel like this next time I see the GP it might be time to finally change my medication (been on the same ones for 14 years now).

I'm not going to drink gin, however much I desperately want to. I'm definitely guilty of self-medicating in the past but I can't blame my drinking issues on family life - they have been there all along. There always seems to be something that needs to be dulled.

Clients at work are being pushy and impatient too. I feel like bursting into tears and telling them I AM doing my work, but I'm only one person, and would they just BACK THE FUCK OFF.

Perhaps I AM a little out of whack at the moment!! ;)

Day 11. Cravings and weirdness

Day 11. More cravings today. Not so much that I'll give in, but I have been thinking about alcohol a lot more today and feeling quite anxious about never drinking again. This will pass, I know. I'm telling myself that it's a choice - that I can choose to drink if I want to - but that the sensible part of me knows that would be a bad choice. Nobody is saying 'no', what is actually happening is me saying 'No, thanks, not today'.

My brain is waking up a lot, but my motivation is lagging behind - if I was in a mood to write, to work, I could absolutely kill it. But my focus is on my hobby (photography) rather than my job at the moment and I'm having to try to rein it in and actually get some paying work out of the door.

Off to Cornwall to see my mum tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to. I've not been home since last summer and I could do with a dose of sea air. Going to stock up on Nanny State and pretend I never liked the local beers anyway!

Nothing much else to report. Better sleep last night. I do have one weird physical thing going on at the moment but I can't imagine how it can possibly be linked to alcohol, unless that in turn can do something wacky to your hormones? Hopefully a few days of R&R will see me come back to real life next week with a bit more enthusiasm for everything...

Day 9 - The Storm

Day 9 already. This time around, I seem to have arrived here entirely without drama, without needing to really reach out or hold myself back. It's a little too easy - but I know that Gin Goblin all too well so I mustn't become complacent.

I'm going to visit my mum later in the week, so will go through several of my drinking triggers there - both socially and emotionally. Mum's on board with supporting me though, she won't offer me a drink! Thinking back, though, last time I was sober I remember having a sip of the sherry I poured her and then deciding I didn't want any, anyway.

The storm isn't an emotional one, it's the actual weather. We were promised heavy snow starting 10pm last night and lasting 24 hours. There's no snow - what we have instead is 60mph winds which haven't let up all night. The letterbox and the cat flap banging are driving the dog mad, and I've had about 5 hours' sleep. Hubs is sleeping soundly upstairs (it's his turn to sleep in), and I'm downstairs with E trying to get off the sofa.

I'm still lacking motivation in a big way. I have things I need to do this weekend, things I have been putting off for ages. I could easily keep myself busy today with little jobs around the house before we even start thinking about the work things that are piling up too! Being up early means I could get so much done, so why am I under a blanket on the sofa, waiting for hubs to get up so that I can sneak back to bed for an hour?

This all sounds really negative - actually I'm...well, I'm not full of the joys, but I'm feeling pretty neutral. Everything is 'ok'. I have a day off work tomorrow for my photography class, so need to spend some time today getting my most recent work together for review, and I'll be spending tomorrow with friends. Focus on the positive...one of those friends is Sober R who has been great, checking in on me daily and sympathising with the rough parts. I think having seen what he has achieved has helped to motivate me to do this again.

Miss me?

Okay, okay, I'm back. It's Day 3. And this time I mean it. I'm done. I spent Thursday and Friday night absolutely hammering it, barely felt drunk, barely felt hungover. What a waste of money and effort, and all just to feel shitty about how much I'm drinking again.

The friend I mentioned, who I inspired with my 6 months sober stint, just made it to his 1 year Soberversary (well done, R!). So I really don't have any excuses any more.

I'd forgotten how crap Day 3 is. I'm tired, my head is thumping, and I would bite your hand off for a glass of wine right about now. Or half a pint of Baileys. Either would be fine. But I'm hanging out on r/stopdrinking which is good for a bit of anon support and gnashing of teeth, and feeling pretty confident. I keep just saying to myself, "I don't drink". Eventually, I'll say it out loud to someone, and believe it.

I know I can do it. I know I can. I've done it before. This time, I also know I have to KEEP doing it. There are no half measures (hahahaha) for me. That last symbolic sip of neat gin from the bottle on Saturday morning, and the goodbye I said as I poured the rest down the sink - that was it. This love affair is OVER and my broken heart will mend.

If any of you are still out there and reading, I hope you're doing well! I'll try to check in on all the blogs I was following over the next few days too.

And if you're reading this and patting yourself on the back for staying sober for a month / 6 months / a year and figuring you can handle a drink now? It's your decision - but be careful. Sure, I've had a year of drinking but I can't say I have anything to show for it except a bigger waistline and less money. My life hasn't been terribly enhanced by it. Make your decision carefully.

Onwards!

Still standing

Life is slowly returning to normal - thanks to those of you who commented on my last post. School begins again in a week, Hubs and myself are both back to work tomorrow, routine is beginning to kick in. The Small One is still suffering but it seems that the root of the problem is anxiety, which she was masking with anger and violence; we all feel much better now that nobody is screaming, and I'm not being beaten up!

Many sessions with the psych to follow, I suppose, but we are feeling our way through and managing to parent in shifts during the tougher times, and seem to have achieved a level of 'normal' which is bearable if not quite as easy as it once was.

I'm trying not to link SmallPerson's issues with any of my own, but it's hard not to. I drank when I was pregnant - very little, especially compared to my excesses in times both before and after my pregnancy, but probably a couple of times a week (only ever one drink at a time). At the time and long after I figured what the heck, she's fine, but when something like this happens it's very easy to blame yourself - especially when you'll never know the answer. Hell, does MY anxiety and borderline ASD stem from my own mother's drinking during her pregnancy? Again she wasn't a hellraiser, she wanted the best for me. Who knows if it has any effect?

Or perhaps I'm just beating myself up a little (a lot), because suddenly my perfect family isn't quite so damn perfect any more and I don't know what went wrong with it. Perhaps we were never all that perfect but I was so focused on ME being the one with the problems that I didn't notice it creeping up on her.

I am a bit low at the moment. My plans for a grand summer by the seaside totally failed, all the great things we were going to do, the fun we'd have. Here we are at the end of it, tired and stressed and with no good memories, nothing much achieved. A summer to forget, to be washed away by what has felt like near constant rain.

I should feel as though through all of it, the fact I've managed to remain sober is some sort of shining beacon. If I can stay sober through this shit, I've got it sorted. But somehow I even feel grouchy and depressed about that, what's the big deal, other people do it without expecting a fanfare after all.

Oh, some other stuff did happen. I got that tattoo - which really didn't hurt all that much, and which I really like, even if nobody else around me seems to. I've also joined a photography club and a couple of times now walked into a room full of strangers and come out feeling like I made friends. That's quite a big deal for me - plus it turns out I occasionally take a decent photo.

But for now I have to go. SmallPerson had a book on the stairs, I moved it, and a freak out is in progress. Yay.

Day 50 - Pads, PAWS and Claws.

If I'm counting properly, I think that this is Day 50. I'm quite surprised, and also very proud of myself. I didn't think I would make it this far. A huge THANK YOU to all my blog-friends who have been there to help me through and encourage me!

I sound like someone giving an Oscars speech, like the prize has been won. It's interesting to me that there is no 'end' to this movie - or is there? Is there a celebration to be had at the end of every single day that I remain sober?

I'm feeling absolutely lousy at the moment - almost like I have a hangover which seems remarkably unfair considering. My back aches, my mind is fuzzy, my stomach is hollow and queasy, my mind is fuzzy. I just want to crawl back into bed. Not sure if this is PAWS or 'The Wall' (or are they the same thing?). It does become easy at this point to blame anything that goes wrong with the body or mind on sobriety, I suppose because there's comfort in thinking you know what is going on.

I know the correct answer to this is to be kind to myself - and I really am trying - but it's just so busy at the moment I can't slack off for a few days yet. I'm probably taking Friday off for a day out, and I'm definitely sleeping all day on Saturday, but I have to keep going until then.

We were out in London on Saturday night, and getting a cab back to the station after the theatre (which I can afford, now I'm not drinking!) was interesting - so many people late at night, stood on the street drinking. So many of them who probably felt rough as a badger's arse on Sunday morning. I looked at them and wondered where the pleasure was in what they were doing, tried to remember, and I honestly couldn't.

The flip side of that observation, though, was that when we went for a meal in Carluccios, a place I always associate with a large glass of white wine, I felt almost hypnotised by the glasses on the table until they were removed after we didn't order anything to go in them. Was that because of the habit of drinking wine in that place? Am I just a snobby alcoholic who considers herself too good to stand around on the street drinking from a plastic pint pot?

In the old days, I'd have had a glass of wine or two on the train, another with the meal, maybe two, two more at the theatre, and something when we got back to the B&B. Because it was spread out over 12 hours, I would consider that it wasn't that much. Interesting how none of those are just one drink.....!

My hands no longer shake.

I'm still great at procrastinating though. Back to work!!

A bucket of wine

Today has been basically horrible. We were meant to be going to a theme park for the day - planned for weeks, big day out, think to look forward to. Unfortunately SmallPerson's chronic procrastination accompanied by rudeness and screaming meant that I had to follow through after I said 'if you're not ready and downstairs in 10 minutes we aren't going'.

There was a lot more to it than that, but all I'm left with now is the feeling that I'm somehow a bad parent - even though I know drawing a line is good parenting. But I ruined my day as well and oh man was it draining dealing with a couple of hours of that and not erupting like Vesuvius.

We ended up going to my office instead, where I sent my other employee home at lunchtime as I was so ratty I was scared I was going to start snapping at him too. SP was as sulky as you would expect and I just could NOT concentrate on anything. So it's all been one big waste of time and effort.

I'm just wrecked now, can't think, exhausted, really down. I could open a bottle of wine right now and just gulp it. Who needs a glass?

I'm gulping AF beer instead and trying to forget that hubs has a chilled bottle of white in the fridge. This is one of those big test moments. But right now being able to switch off and numb it all really does feel like a very good idea.

I'll try to post something more positive tomorrow I promise!

Save me

It's Sunday morning and I'm sitting in a soft play centre surrounded by women I don't know and their terribly loud children. There are a few people here I ought to talk to just to be polite (friends of the in laws) but currently I'm working on the theory that they can start the conversation if they think we ought to chat!

Admittedly sat here in my corner staring at the iPad I'm not sending out very social signals but hey. 

SmallPerson seems to have reached the age where parties are smaller, quieter affairs. I'm glad as places like this are basically my idea of hell. There's not even any wine! It's just inhumane. I'm looking at the other mums and wondering if any of them are like me, or like I was. Wishing they had a glass to help them through this horror. Or are any of the others quietly remembering when that would have been their main thought, when they would have been counting the minutes to return home and have a 'well earned' glass or three for putting up with this?

Only an hour to go. Ugh. 

I am noticing that the thoughts of alcohol are a bit stronger at the moment. I'm still not ready to open a bottle but I seem to have noticed its absence a bit more this last week. Out for lunch yesterday and there was a nice cold bottle looking at me. Friday night wanting to just forget the slightly rubbishy week that had just ended. Today, when I am beating myself up for all the unfinished projects and the state of the house. 

This too shall pass. Hand my my diet coke, stat!

The Bitch is Back

One thing about being sober is that I can no longer blame the less wonderful aspects of my personality on my drinking.

I'd like to think I'm a nice person - I'm kind, I try to think of others, I lack a lot of social skills but I try to treat others as I would like to be treated. Despite this I do sometimes lack patience.

There have been a couple of times this week where I've just lost my temper with people - I've been polite and not raised my email (or TYPED IN CAPITALS) but I've had to be a little...well, firm I suppose is the word.

Actually you know what? Reflecting on it, I'm quite happy that by the time I got firm, I'd played nice and been helpful quite enough - but what annoyed me was when people continued to fail to do their job (or expected me to do it for them!). Interestingly, I don't feel too bad about it, I don't think I've been rude or unreasonable. So perhaps this is a good thing - old me would have been chewing on it and feeling bad.

I suppose I also take it sometimes without it upsetting me - I can be a bit clueless and the people who work with me occasionally sit me down and tell me what they need from me. Perhaps they are quietly gnashing their teeth as they smile nicely and talk to me in short sentences!

I'm also dealing with some drama - not mine, but a friend who is a total drama queen. They have had a big row with their partner but this means it's OVER FOREVER WAAAAAAH rather than just that the other party is too pissed off to reply to their texts right now. I'm trying so hard to be nice, and supportive, but I am also trying to say to them - relax, apologise, and wait. Just wait.

Maybe I'd be different if it was my own drama, but waiting to see what the Universe does about it seems to be about the only course of action available sometimes.

I'm off to London tonight to see this which I am really looking forward to. I'm told the cocktails are amazing. I hope they have something interesting but AF for me!

Grumpy tired post

I did not sleep well last night...SmallPerson was in the bed, Hubs was snoring like a rhino with a megaphone, and me? Perched on the edge of the (super king!) bed. I kept waking up. My brain was buzzing. So today I'm knackered and to be honest, if hubs were home, I'd be in the bath by now and thinking about sleep.

I'm still beating myself up for being behind at work, but trying to remind myself that I did plenty today and it's okay to spend an evening sitting on the sofa - not making curtains, not studying, not doing anything. This is ok. Giving in on this day and going to bed is okay.

School holidays next week, which stresses me out too - guilt at needing to put Small into holiday club, guilt at not doing something amazing when we are together. We are at my mum's near the beach for a month in the middle of it, which will be great, but this year I need to get my act together to show Small some of the 'tourist' things about my homeland which I take for granted. I ought to make a list, even a plan, to stop myself just wasting the time, sitting on the laptop and working and missing the opportunity.

I like lists. But tonight, too tired to make one.

Seeing the alcohol counsellor tomorrow. Wonder if I will unlock a new level in the 'secret stuff for recovering addicts' game? :)

One month of sobriety

My one-month sobriety anniversary passed by at some point in the last week. I always intended to make it this far but there was a large part of me on Day 1 which didn't think I could.

There are still plenty of struggles. It's really hard having to face up to emotions rather than numbing them every time. Learning how to deal with SmallPerson having a meltdown, the pressure I put on myself about my performance at work and my performance as a mother, life's day to day worries.

One thing I have learnt is that the 'depression' I've been on medication for the last 10+ years for may in fact just have been one long hangover. Still not sure on this one - I'm still up and down and trying to find out what my level of 'normal' is. Still taking the tablets for now, but this is an area which might develop. Today is certainly the first day in a month when I've really struggled to get out of bed, and that used to be a regular thing.

I'm getting more 'honest' with people about my not drinking - I still don't say it's a forever thing, but when people seem surprised that I'm still sober, I say I'm aiming for 100 days and that seems to keep them happy. Nobody has tried to pressure me to drink or pressed me too hard. A few times I've even explained that for me one drink isn't enough, and so moderating doesn't work for me and I decided to take control of it.

It's clear from some of the responses that people don't imagine that's a problem, or that my sobriety needs to be forever, but that's okay. I don't really need or want to talk about it with them.

Good things. I'm learning to live in the moment a bit more, to pause and think 'isn't this nice'. I'm still living life in a bit of a rush, and need to rein myself in a bit more. But I think I'm noticing more, remembering more. I can listen to a lecture online, or read a book, or watch a film, and actually be able to tell you a few days later what happened. God knows how I got through an MBA with no short term memory.

Sleep is different. Tiredness is different. Tiredness is something that runs through my whole body sometimes, and my mind, and falling asleep is a lovely moment. Waking up isn't always pleasant but I have a new found ability to get out of bed without lying there for half an hour psyching myself up for it.

I'm kinder to myself. I have nails, moisturiser goes onto my face from time to time. I even bought some clothes which weren't second hand! Occasionally I even give myself permission to miss a deadline or leave something until tomorrow. For me these are new things, for normal people I imagine them to be routine.

It does strike me that I don't really know what IS normal. By stopping drinking I sort of imagine myself as 'different' from others, but in fact I'm probably becoming less different every day. I wonder how we're meant to measure that, or even if it really matters? I'm me, that's probably enough.

My husband and mum are less worried about me. I'm a better mum, I'm more patient, more sympathetic, I have more time. These are the best things.

Day 34 - Surviving a sober birthday

I'm slightly ashamed of myself for not updating this for a week. I have missed my little group of supporters, and missed catching up on your blogs too, so I think there might be a few hours of reading ahead for me once I've got this down.

It was a funny week mood-wise. Lots and lots of work done, my usual feeling of not being caught up and running to stand still...nothing bad happened but I wasn't always in my most enthusiastic of moods. It culminated on Friday - it was my MBA graduation ceremony. Hubs took a day off to attend, in-laws arranged to pick SmallPerson up from school and baby sit and then on the morning of the event....I decided I couldn't be bothered!

It wasn't quite that simple to be fair - I think I've mentioned before the caravan I have been renovating, and I'd done some work on that during the week as I wanted to get it ready-ish for Saturday when people would be coming over for my birthday. So by Friday morning I was tired, and I still wanted to get a lot of work done on it. I had a rare 'day off' from my work (out of office ON and a resolve not to look at my emails!), and suddenly the thought of chasing around Manchester trying to find robing rooms and photographers and assigned seats and then sit sweltering in Whitworth Hall watching lots of people I don't know march across a stage seemed like a huge waste of time.

I've graduated twice before. It's boring. I don't need a photo or a silly hat to make myself proud of my achievement - I know what I have done, I know better than anyone else ever can what hard work it was to get there. The realisation that I'm an adult and I really didn't HAVE to go if I didn't want to was actually quite liberating. I'm assuming they will post me my certificate!

As a result the caravan now looks halfway decent inside. It's definitely 'shabby chic' and the paint job isn't the best, but it's habitable (just) and a place where I can actually imagine us spending a couple of nights. I must try not to get too ambitious now though - at the moment there's no power or plumbing and it's probably safest for us all if it stays that way. I'm bidding on caravan movers on eBay now which are worth more than the van itself but persuading myself that I can always take it off and sell it once the caravan gives way....

Next job will be to tart up the outside a bit!

Yesterday was Birthday Day. On my last night of drinking I had rather rashly decided to host a BBQ and invite everyone to it. Bit of a disaster really, my family and a couple of friends showed up but nobody was really drinking (although I had laid on plenty of beer and wine!) and everyone had gone by about 7pm. The trouble with my parties, which I very rarely host, is that I tend to be the 'common link' so people generally don't know each other - which doesn't make for a great time for anyone as I spend most of it trying to make sure everyone has been talked to and has a drink in their hand.

Anyway, the difference this year is that I refuse to stress about it too much, I'm not responsible for people's fun really. It's reminded me why I don't do it, and why I won't do it again! I also fret a bit about who DIDN'T come and why I can't host a party like normal people, which is not really necessary or helpful.

Today's problem is what to do with the leftover alcohol - I guess stash it in the garage in a box, try not to forget it's there, and donate it to other social gatherings before the best before date is up! There's a ton of lovely soft drinks and cordials which I will enjoy working my way through.

There was only one moment where I wanted a drink - when I was pouring the first glasses of wine. The smell hit me and I just WANTED some. I somehow got some on my fingers and wanted to lick it off. But I didn't, and the feeling passed and didn't come back. I very deliberately didn't buy spirits, as I didn't want anything left in the house that might need 'finishing off' and I think that was a good plan.

It seems very unfair that today I feel rough as anything - just exhausted. I was thrown out of bed at 1.30pm and now I'm just curled up on the sofa in my nightie, and probably not moving too far today. I ache all over from all of the physical work of the last few days, and I could go back to sleep at the drop of a hat. I wonder if this is a sign that I really ought to start thinking about fitness, carving out some time to go swimming a couple of times a week? I'm not a gym bunny at all, and I'm a slow swimmer, but I do find it quite relaxing. Also I have a waterproof MP3 player so it might also be a good time to catch up on some audio books!

Day 28 - Four Weeks!

Wow. I'm sort of shocked to have made it to 4 weeks, and it doesn't feel like that long. I started writing this as 'three weeks' and then realised I was missing 7 days somewhere ;)

I 'came out' properly to my mum last night - this time she was appropriately supportive and said she had massive respect for me for doing it, and she had been worried about me. So that time in Week 1 when she managed to reduce me to tears with a comment was clearly me going through the post-gin emotional rollercoaster.

I've also 'come out', sort of, to my party guests for my birthday this weekend, just to say that I won't be drinking but they are welcome to. A couple of comments, but nothing too negative; and anyone who isn't interested in sober me isn't really a friend anyway, right?

There have been some ups and downs, and the initial 'high' of being sober is wearing off a bit. Tonight, I'm tired, my shoulders ache, I ought to get to bed soon really. But then, I did quite a bit yesterday (yeah, I can see that now, thank you for putting up with the pity party) and I worked hard today.

One thing I definitely need to get used to is that I can finally get more done, and be more focused; I was lying awake last night fretting about all the work piled up that I needed to get done. This morning, I just knuckled down to it. Most of it is done, some of it isn't, but it'll wait until tomorrow. I just need to learn to relax about that a little more!

So here are the benefits so far;

• I've not had a single day where I couldn't get out of bed (I used to blame this on depression!)
• In fact, when the alarm goes off I just get up and get on with it. I do still swear a bit though.
• No hangovers!
• No drink driving.
• Not sleeping so much on the weekend - and getting things done as a result.
• Not worrying about what I might have said, done or bought the night before
• Not having to think about where the next drink might be coming from!
• No more nagging about my drinking from anyone
• I'm calmer, and more patient, and I'm a better mum as a result
• I can think more, later - so although I'm not working in the evenings I'm doing something useful with my time, or reading, or being nice to myself, rather than just keeling over.
• My skin is way better!
• Things are still fun - in fact, things that are fun are probably better for being more memorable.
• I can remember movies more than 5 minutes after they end
• I'm taking better care of myself - nails, moisturiser, massages, time out to sit and relax...
• I seem to be getting over some of my social anxiety - I'm talking to strangers, even making new friends.
• I don't wake up in the night. I used to wake up and drink water routinely, and have to go to the loo, 2-3 times a night. 

The downsides? Well, there's a hell of a lot of soul searching and self analysis which can get a bit wearing, and the fresh awareness of my self can be quite scary. Not being able to deaden emotions and feelings means I don't always know how to handle them. But all of this will pass with time and, I suppose, practice. I've not missed out on anything socially (I don't think), I don't miss the taste of alcohol (which surprises me). 

I was able to remain pretty functional with a hell of a lot of booze in me. But a few times, I had 'that thing' which I'm assuming you'll be familiar with - getting to bed and suddenly realising you've REALLY overdone it and you're going to be really ill. You can't really walk, but you need to get to the bathroom, so you're bouncing off the walls and the doorframe. You know you have to be sick, to try to make it go away. You hate yourself, swear you won't do it again, as you knock back a pint of water only to throw that up as well. Everything spins and you want to shout for help and have it all go away.

I don't miss that one bit.

Day 27 - Storm in a teacup

I'm in a shitty mood today, and I was yesterday as well for much of the time. A combination of relatives showing up uninvited (and then leaving the seat up and pissing all over the floor, didn't help), too much to do (what's new!), hubs being a bit clueless, and a SmallPerson who is going through some emotional/hormonal stuff which means she will go into a screaming tantrum if I so much as look at her the wrong way.

I'm also in a bit of a grump because here we are at 4pm on Sunday, I'm bloody knackered, and I've not managed to tackle the one big job I wanted to do today. SO excuse the indulgence but I'm going to make a list of the stuff I HAVE done these past two days, so that I can remind myself that I didn't just waste time...

• Finished painting gazebo
• Fixed trampoline net (this is what led to the latest tantrum!)
• Washed down all the skirtings and door frames downstairs, and the walls whenever these were covered in god knows what
• Watered the plants (useful, since it's now raining)
• Sold some stuff on Ebay
• Hung pictures
• Planted the rose mum sent for my birthday
• Shopping
• 2 loads of laundry
• Cleaned the bathroom
• Dusted the living room
• Dusted the study
• Vacuumed downstairs
• Washed the curtains in the study
• Helped set up and dismantle the school fete
• Spent 90 mins selling raffle tickets and entrance tickets to said fete

Hah, I thought that would make me feel more accomplished but it looks like a really short list!

There have been positive things; some nice weather, school fete went well, erm...I'm not dead, I guess. But I just feel really grouchy and miserable. It's as if I was expecting not drinking to make all the other things in my life that I'm not happy about go away -but actually all it means is that my coping mechanism has been removed from me.

Bit of a one woman pity party at the moment, me. I'll go crawl back into my hole and hopefully come back happier tomorrow.

Day 7 - Welcome to the rollercoaster

As you could probably guess, after posting last night I ended up having a little cry. Kept it in until hubs asked if I was okay - well no, dammit, I wasn't. He was appropriately lovely and kind to me and listened to my partially formed thoughts about what was going on, until I calmed down.

I can't really remember the last time I just cried like that. I shed a few tears when a friend died a few months ago, but no real proper full on snot everywhere sobbing for the longest time. Interesting. I suppose this is a sign that I'm not numbing my emotions any more. Perhaps I have to get used to letting it out from time to time!

I think I still have a lot of thinking to do about my feelings of needing approval and fear of failure etc etc. But not today. Today has been a great day.

I went to bed as intended at 10pm last night, but it took me a long time to go to sleep so I let myself sleep until 6.30. I was rewarded for the early morning dog walking session by a fleeting glimpse of a deer, and enjoyed the sunshine and the views and the peace and quiet. The world felt good - and it's been pretty much that way ever since. Lunch outside in the sunshine, got a ton done at work, watered the garden, had a laugh with my SmallPerson, and I feel really relaxed and happy rather than thinking on to all the things I still need to do.

Maybe it's the milestone of having (nearly) completed Week 1 but I really do feel good. Things I've noticed already -

• Ability to just wake up and get up in the mornings!
• Far more relaxed, although I still think about my to do list I don't think I'm obsessing quite as much about it.
• Side effect of this is that I think I'm getting more done, because I'm just getting on with it rather than putting it off and fretting about it.
• I'm more attentive, particularly with SmallPerson - in the evenings now I don't mind going and sharing a bath and having a chat with her, whereas before I was desperate to get back downstairs and have a drink.
• I'm less critical - particularly of hubs, who is a good guy and does his best. I'm more able to accept that he just doesn't always do things my way or with the superhuman efficiency which I exhibit. 
• Eating far less, and more healthily - I'm more able to say "I've had enough" and push the plate away, and the things I crave are healthier. I'm not snacking at all.
• I'm starting to say to people "Oh, I'm not drinking at the moment". I've not managed to suggest to anyone that it's permanent yet, but it's no longer a deep dark secret experiment.

I have no readers so I'll be my own cheerleader - well done Susie, you made it a week! Heres to the next one.

Day 6 Part 2 - Defence

I'm on the defensive.

Called my mum, and mentioned the tingly feeling and how I hadn't realised I was so tired, and she made some relatively mild comment about me going out / drinking - so I fairly casually mentioned that I'd not had a drink since last Monday.

Of course, what I was hoping for was a "Oh well done!" but what I actually got was a certainty that I was going through withdrawal and not tiredness (even though I've had this before about 10 times) and a comment about my ability to "hit the sauce rather hard" or something along those lines.

Okay, fair enough, an accurate observation, but it hurt. And when I came back with "well, I acknowledge that, but I don't think this is withdrawal" I was shut down, told that there was an edge in my voice and that she was going to change the subject.

Hurts a bit more in retrospect knowing she'd already read the Facebook thread where I talked about the fizz and dropped in to it casually that I hadn't been drinking.

Rational brain knows this is my mum's way of expressing her concern, and trying to avoid conflict. And rational brain knows she loves me to the end of the earth, and that I have to just accept that sometimes, often, she says the real, sensible thing rather than the cheerleading mum thing that I really hope she will say. But tonight my needy, recovering, alkie brain really just needs someone to not judge, to not remind me of my failings, but rather to say "well done, you!" or even "how can I help?".

Coupled with a minor disagreement with hubs about something on telly (which I have translated to "You're a bad person Susie how could you possibly judge someone like that"), I'm feeling like I want to curl up and burst into tears.

Again, rational brain knows this is stupid and unnecessary. But it's not the one in charge at the moment.

On the plus side, fever tree tonic with elderflower cordial, and crushed mint and strawberries, is bloody amazing.