Twenty Something

More than 3 weeks, closing in on 4, and at that happy point where without counting I can't tell you exactly how many days it is. I've not really had any serious cravings or second thoughts, until last night; I had a really stressful day at work (things are not going entirely brilliantly financially) and wanted to just fall face down into a bucket of gin when I got home. But I'm pleased to say I gave myself a pep talk - the Gin Goblin might help me to escape from my worries for an evening but it would also stop me from taking action to actually change the situation. So I stayed sober and worked through the evening instead, which was clearly more productive.

I'm feeling quite sorry for myself at the moment. I fell over on Friday (yeah, sober, what are the odds?) and hurt myself quite badly although nothing broken. Lost the weekend to mild concussion and I still ache all over which is stopping me from sleeping too well. Right now I'm working, but in my pyjamas, and vaguely contemplating how nice it would be to go back to bed. I think tonight I'm gone at 8pm with a good book - just need to keep going until then. Moan moan moan.

I'm not especially noting any huge benefits of sobriety this time around - but perhaps that's because I've been too focused on my recent one woman pity party. I'm getting things done, I guess, but I'm still waking up headachey and fuzzy. Who knew - you can get the effects of alcohol without actually spending money on it!

The next big test for me will be Friday - a night alone in a hotel in a strange city. I'm taking my camera and hoping to get some good architectural shots, and I'll be checking out the local sushi bars. Then I'll get some sleep like the sensible thing I am!

Nineteen

It's funny how the first few days seem to go so slowly, but here I am now closing in rapidly on 3 weeks of sobriety. I know it's hardly any time at all, but suddenly goals like a month don't seem so very hard at all. There's definitely something about that first week - and especially Day 3 - which is uniquely tough.

My mood has stabilised somewhat since Monday. I'm still a bit up and down, but also a bit more rational and a bit less tearful. We had an even worse morning with Ellie yesterday but I stayed calm and in control of it, even though we ended up being an hour late in to school. I definitely coped much better.

I was working overnight in London last night and found myself half an hour before closing in a pub which is basically my idea of heaven - former CAMRA pub of the year, and 20 real ales behind the bar. I had a diet coke, and only wanted beer a tiny bit. Not so much that I even for a moment contemplated actually ordering one; so that was a victory. And good to know I don't have to miss out on sitting in pubs reading books, which I do think is one of life's pleasures!

I'm absolutely shattered today, lack of sleep, probably got 5 hours in a very uncomfortable bed. My neck and shoulders have been hurting as I think I've been hunching up from all the stresses of the last few weeks. And I have to be on the road at 6am tomorrow for another insanely long day. I've managed to get a good bit of work done today but it's busy, and so I feel like I'm falling behind (I am!). It's a juggling act at the moment to meet deadlines and set reasonable expectations - there's nothing I can't finish, but finishing things by Friday when I won't get back to the office until Monday afternoon is looking sort of impossible.

Keep breathing.

Seventeen

I'm assuming it's good that I'm not as reliant on my blog as my sobriety outlet this time around...right? There's something comforting about having done this before - I know I can, at least for 6 months - but there's something scary about what comes after that. Can I keep it up this time? Forever is a scary thing.

Survived the trip home. E was a bit of a pain, wouldn't really go out or do anything and we had a few meltdowns to contend with. On the plus side, I had a day out walking on the coast while mum looked after her (thanks mum!) and I chugged multiple Nanny States each evening and avoided the lovely village local and its lovely, lovely beer.

I feel as though I've been very bad tempered and impatient with E, her quirks and features (I don't want to say her 'disability' but it does seem like the right word to use sometimes) make everything seem like a battle, a struggle, sometimes. I was in tears this morning trying to get her ready for school on time despite us having been up for 2 hours. I don't know if this is just part of withdrawal, or me just not coping with life generally. I feel quite selfish, there are things I want to do! I want a normal life with a child who does what they are told and takes less than an hour to put a sock on! Bwaaaaah!

As a woman who has to have a plan, I have a plan. I'm going to try to be calmer, and if I still feel like this next time I see the GP it might be time to finally change my medication (been on the same ones for 14 years now).

I'm not going to drink gin, however much I desperately want to. I'm definitely guilty of self-medicating in the past but I can't blame my drinking issues on family life - they have been there all along. There always seems to be something that needs to be dulled.

Clients at work are being pushy and impatient too. I feel like bursting into tears and telling them I AM doing my work, but I'm only one person, and would they just BACK THE FUCK OFF.

Perhaps I AM a little out of whack at the moment!! ;)

Guess what? Day 1!

It's another Day 1.

Monday, I didn't drink, and it wasn't a struggle. But what I'm noticing is that I'm comparing "current me" to "really bad drinking" me, and using that as an excuse to keep drinking. And I suspect being able to make excuses is a sign of ...something....

Yesterday was a very fucked up day in many ways. Some great things happened, some downright horrible things happened. So when I got home I had a G&T. And a beer. And a glass of wine.

Yeah. No excuses for that, really, are there?

I'm on a bit of a self improvement kick in other ways. I went for a run yesterday (I don't think I will do it again. It was horrible). I've been getting up at 5.30am to work and making sure I'm in bed by 10pm which has been working surprisingly well. But today - Didn't get up until 6.30am (lazybones!), and not feeling too motivated. I don't feel ill, but I'm tired, and I'm grumpy, and that'll be a hangover I guess.

When I was considering it this morning, what I realised was it didn't help me at all. What helped me last night was talking to the person who had upset me, and discovering that whilst I had cause to be upset, it wasn't quite as bad as I had taken it to be.

Also - did I enjoy any of those drinks? I don't think I did. I don't think any of them tasted especially wonderful, I don't remember sitting and just savouring one and thinking "Oh, that's nice".

When I sobered up last year (for 6 months!!) I'd been considering it and finding excuses not to do it for a while, and when it happened I felt 'ready' for it. I feel ready again, now.

Another Day 1

Wow, for someone who stayed sober for over 100 days, I suck at staying sober.

2 glasses of wine last night. Very pleasant, helped the conversation flow, topped off what was a great day. So WHY then did I neck the best part of a bottle of prosecco when I got home? I don't even like the bloody stuff.

So of course I feel rough. It's been a really stressful day too, trying to get the Tiny Human to the dentist and then to the child psych this evening, not finding any time to actually do my job...I don't know if the hangover is making the stress seem worse or not but it's definitely not helping.

I think I need to find some chocolate.

Day 99

It's day 99.

And you know what? I actually had to look that up, because I stopped counting days long ago. I've been really lax at writing here but actually I take that as a good sign as it means I've not been constantly having booze thoughts and needing to vent about it! The worst thing has been that I'm not up to speed with all of the blogs I was following - I promise to try to remedy that.

Last week I took part in an "Intuitive Recovery" course that my ADS counsellor had recommended me for. It was much more interesting than I thought it would be - people from all walks of life, different substances, different stages of recovery (some only thinking about it). I felt a bit guilty being able to sit there and say I hadn't used for 3 months, when some were still staring down the barrel of day 1. But I hope the fact that I could do it and I was still standing upright was helpful!

At the end of the course, the instructor asked us to say aloud "I will never drink/use again" just to see how it made us feel. I was the only one who could say it without a caveat -but it made me want to cry. It felt almost like a break up or a bereavement. It's over. I won't see the gin goblin again. I thought he was the one but he turned out to be a bastard.

I was then challenged to add "and I will NEVER change my mind". Never. That's a scary word. But I said it. I meant it.

The big difference the IR course made to me was that it helped me understand a bit about how I'd trained my brain to think I needed alcohol for survival, above even food and warmth. And it helped me understand that if I keep on saying no to the cravings I can train it back again, and those cravings will get fewer and fewer. The trick, apparently. is to not even enter into that internal debate with the craving - just tell it to fuck off, and it'll pass within a couple of minutes. If you debate with it, you feed it.

The bottle of wine that has been in the fridge since my birthday is open; hubby says he has been using it for cooking and hasn't drunk any. I consider this a travesty and have told him to bloody drink some. I have a vivid memory of last night pouring a glass and having a big gulp, holding it in my mouth, trying to decide if I liked it or not (I did!). Then pouring the rest of the glass away. There's no glass on the drainer, the bottle looked as full as it did yesterday, so I guess it was just a dream. But I had to actually check on those things to be sure. I could taste it.

I've been really depressed the last few days and it's a bit disappointing to realise that it can still happen now that I'm not bringing myself down with alcohol. I'm also still a lard arse! But maybe these things will change given more time. My skin is amazing, and in a certain part of town you can see my Size 18 form wrapped in blue satin on the cover of a magazine this month - I never imagined I'd be a cover girl! Yes, this has really happened, it's an actual magazine made of paper 'n' everything.

When I'm not in a glum mood, I can get up in the morning feeling fine. I can drive and know I'm safe. I have discovered photography, and through it some amazing people and places as well as what seems to be a new talent. And I can go for a night out, with people who are drinking, and have just as good a time as they are. And THEN drive them home and call them at 8am just to tease them ;)

If you're on Day 1, or Day 0, and reading this, I know you can't believe me yet. It's so hard just to start, and every day is one foot in front of the other. But honestly, it's not been easy and there have been so many times when I've thought a drink would help me out, but I've survived. I'm here on Day 99 just like that. And although it's not been easy, it's really not been THAT hard. It's ok. It's worth it.

What happens next? Well, ADS have discharged me. I still need to work on my mental health generally but at least now it's clearer who I actually am. I still have to let go of all of the regrets of how (despite all my achievements) maybe I could have done MORE and BETTER if I were sober - and just channel that into doing more and better now! But I'm also still learning to be kind to myself, to accept that some days it just ain't happening and that's being human.

I know that in the future that voice in my head will tell me to have just the one. I know there will be times when I'm really tempted, when people put a drink in my hand and egg me on. But I'll deal with that when it comes.

Still standing

Life is slowly returning to normal - thanks to those of you who commented on my last post. School begins again in a week, Hubs and myself are both back to work tomorrow, routine is beginning to kick in. The Small One is still suffering but it seems that the root of the problem is anxiety, which she was masking with anger and violence; we all feel much better now that nobody is screaming, and I'm not being beaten up!

Many sessions with the psych to follow, I suppose, but we are feeling our way through and managing to parent in shifts during the tougher times, and seem to have achieved a level of 'normal' which is bearable if not quite as easy as it once was.

I'm trying not to link SmallPerson's issues with any of my own, but it's hard not to. I drank when I was pregnant - very little, especially compared to my excesses in times both before and after my pregnancy, but probably a couple of times a week (only ever one drink at a time). At the time and long after I figured what the heck, she's fine, but when something like this happens it's very easy to blame yourself - especially when you'll never know the answer. Hell, does MY anxiety and borderline ASD stem from my own mother's drinking during her pregnancy? Again she wasn't a hellraiser, she wanted the best for me. Who knows if it has any effect?

Or perhaps I'm just beating myself up a little (a lot), because suddenly my perfect family isn't quite so damn perfect any more and I don't know what went wrong with it. Perhaps we were never all that perfect but I was so focused on ME being the one with the problems that I didn't notice it creeping up on her.

I am a bit low at the moment. My plans for a grand summer by the seaside totally failed, all the great things we were going to do, the fun we'd have. Here we are at the end of it, tired and stressed and with no good memories, nothing much achieved. A summer to forget, to be washed away by what has felt like near constant rain.

I should feel as though through all of it, the fact I've managed to remain sober is some sort of shining beacon. If I can stay sober through this shit, I've got it sorted. But somehow I even feel grouchy and depressed about that, what's the big deal, other people do it without expecting a fanfare after all.

Oh, some other stuff did happen. I got that tattoo - which really didn't hurt all that much, and which I really like, even if nobody else around me seems to. I've also joined a photography club and a couple of times now walked into a room full of strangers and come out feeling like I made friends. That's quite a big deal for me - plus it turns out I occasionally take a decent photo.

But for now I have to go. SmallPerson had a book on the stairs, I moved it, and a freak out is in progress. Yay.

Day 50 - Pads, PAWS and Claws.

If I'm counting properly, I think that this is Day 50. I'm quite surprised, and also very proud of myself. I didn't think I would make it this far. A huge THANK YOU to all my blog-friends who have been there to help me through and encourage me!

I sound like someone giving an Oscars speech, like the prize has been won. It's interesting to me that there is no 'end' to this movie - or is there? Is there a celebration to be had at the end of every single day that I remain sober?

I'm feeling absolutely lousy at the moment - almost like I have a hangover which seems remarkably unfair considering. My back aches, my mind is fuzzy, my stomach is hollow and queasy, my mind is fuzzy. I just want to crawl back into bed. Not sure if this is PAWS or 'The Wall' (or are they the same thing?). It does become easy at this point to blame anything that goes wrong with the body or mind on sobriety, I suppose because there's comfort in thinking you know what is going on.

I know the correct answer to this is to be kind to myself - and I really am trying - but it's just so busy at the moment I can't slack off for a few days yet. I'm probably taking Friday off for a day out, and I'm definitely sleeping all day on Saturday, but I have to keep going until then.

We were out in London on Saturday night, and getting a cab back to the station after the theatre (which I can afford, now I'm not drinking!) was interesting - so many people late at night, stood on the street drinking. So many of them who probably felt rough as a badger's arse on Sunday morning. I looked at them and wondered where the pleasure was in what they were doing, tried to remember, and I honestly couldn't.

The flip side of that observation, though, was that when we went for a meal in Carluccios, a place I always associate with a large glass of white wine, I felt almost hypnotised by the glasses on the table until they were removed after we didn't order anything to go in them. Was that because of the habit of drinking wine in that place? Am I just a snobby alcoholic who considers herself too good to stand around on the street drinking from a plastic pint pot?

In the old days, I'd have had a glass of wine or two on the train, another with the meal, maybe two, two more at the theatre, and something when we got back to the B&B. Because it was spread out over 12 hours, I would consider that it wasn't that much. Interesting how none of those are just one drink.....!

My hands no longer shake.

I'm still great at procrastinating though. Back to work!!

Day 45 Lard arse

Today I do not feel good about myself. Apparently I not only suck at doing my job and managing my time, I'm also the worlds worst mother. Oh, and then I caught sight of my naked self in the mirror. Holy heiffers, Batman.

I stopped weighing last year and I don't intend to start again. But I wonder if I can harness sober me to do another good thing for myself and try to get in shape and make better food choices. Am I asking too much of myself on top of the sobriety, and setting myself up to fail? Or am I setting myself up to succeed because it will be a nice thing to do for myself?

My problems are time and motivation. My boobs are too big for running. Swimming takes time, and planning. I don't really want to pay for a gym at least until winter. Also I like food.  

There's an opportunity coming up, a month away from home and hubby's cooking, by the sea for early morning jogging with the dog. I neèd to take it. But without a number on the scales how do I keep going. It won't bring instant rewards like sobriety did. 

This sounds like me talking myself into sobriety all over again. So. One day at a time?

A bucket of wine

Today has been basically horrible. We were meant to be going to a theme park for the day - planned for weeks, big day out, think to look forward to. Unfortunately SmallPerson's chronic procrastination accompanied by rudeness and screaming meant that I had to follow through after I said 'if you're not ready and downstairs in 10 minutes we aren't going'.

There was a lot more to it than that, but all I'm left with now is the feeling that I'm somehow a bad parent - even though I know drawing a line is good parenting. But I ruined my day as well and oh man was it draining dealing with a couple of hours of that and not erupting like Vesuvius.

We ended up going to my office instead, where I sent my other employee home at lunchtime as I was so ratty I was scared I was going to start snapping at him too. SP was as sulky as you would expect and I just could NOT concentrate on anything. So it's all been one big waste of time and effort.

I'm just wrecked now, can't think, exhausted, really down. I could open a bottle of wine right now and just gulp it. Who needs a glass?

I'm gulping AF beer instead and trying to forget that hubs has a chilled bottle of white in the fridge. This is one of those big test moments. But right now being able to switch off and numb it all really does feel like a very good idea.

I'll try to post something more positive tomorrow I promise!

Grumpy tired post

I did not sleep well last night...SmallPerson was in the bed, Hubs was snoring like a rhino with a megaphone, and me? Perched on the edge of the (super king!) bed. I kept waking up. My brain was buzzing. So today I'm knackered and to be honest, if hubs were home, I'd be in the bath by now and thinking about sleep.

I'm still beating myself up for being behind at work, but trying to remind myself that I did plenty today and it's okay to spend an evening sitting on the sofa - not making curtains, not studying, not doing anything. This is ok. Giving in on this day and going to bed is okay.

School holidays next week, which stresses me out too - guilt at needing to put Small into holiday club, guilt at not doing something amazing when we are together. We are at my mum's near the beach for a month in the middle of it, which will be great, but this year I need to get my act together to show Small some of the 'tourist' things about my homeland which I take for granted. I ought to make a list, even a plan, to stop myself just wasting the time, sitting on the laptop and working and missing the opportunity.

I like lists. But tonight, too tired to make one.

Seeing the alcohol counsellor tomorrow. Wonder if I will unlock a new level in the 'secret stuff for recovering addicts' game? :)

Day 28 - Four Weeks!

Wow. I'm sort of shocked to have made it to 4 weeks, and it doesn't feel like that long. I started writing this as 'three weeks' and then realised I was missing 7 days somewhere ;)

I 'came out' properly to my mum last night - this time she was appropriately supportive and said she had massive respect for me for doing it, and she had been worried about me. So that time in Week 1 when she managed to reduce me to tears with a comment was clearly me going through the post-gin emotional rollercoaster.

I've also 'come out', sort of, to my party guests for my birthday this weekend, just to say that I won't be drinking but they are welcome to. A couple of comments, but nothing too negative; and anyone who isn't interested in sober me isn't really a friend anyway, right?

There have been some ups and downs, and the initial 'high' of being sober is wearing off a bit. Tonight, I'm tired, my shoulders ache, I ought to get to bed soon really. But then, I did quite a bit yesterday (yeah, I can see that now, thank you for putting up with the pity party) and I worked hard today.

One thing I definitely need to get used to is that I can finally get more done, and be more focused; I was lying awake last night fretting about all the work piled up that I needed to get done. This morning, I just knuckled down to it. Most of it is done, some of it isn't, but it'll wait until tomorrow. I just need to learn to relax about that a little more!

So here are the benefits so far;

• I've not had a single day where I couldn't get out of bed (I used to blame this on depression!)
• In fact, when the alarm goes off I just get up and get on with it. I do still swear a bit though.
• No hangovers!
• No drink driving.
• Not sleeping so much on the weekend - and getting things done as a result.
• Not worrying about what I might have said, done or bought the night before
• Not having to think about where the next drink might be coming from!
• No more nagging about my drinking from anyone
• I'm calmer, and more patient, and I'm a better mum as a result
• I can think more, later - so although I'm not working in the evenings I'm doing something useful with my time, or reading, or being nice to myself, rather than just keeling over.
• My skin is way better!
• Things are still fun - in fact, things that are fun are probably better for being more memorable.
• I can remember movies more than 5 minutes after they end
• I'm taking better care of myself - nails, moisturiser, massages, time out to sit and relax...
• I seem to be getting over some of my social anxiety - I'm talking to strangers, even making new friends.
• I don't wake up in the night. I used to wake up and drink water routinely, and have to go to the loo, 2-3 times a night. 

The downsides? Well, there's a hell of a lot of soul searching and self analysis which can get a bit wearing, and the fresh awareness of my self can be quite scary. Not being able to deaden emotions and feelings means I don't always know how to handle them. But all of this will pass with time and, I suppose, practice. I've not missed out on anything socially (I don't think), I don't miss the taste of alcohol (which surprises me). 

I was able to remain pretty functional with a hell of a lot of booze in me. But a few times, I had 'that thing' which I'm assuming you'll be familiar with - getting to bed and suddenly realising you've REALLY overdone it and you're going to be really ill. You can't really walk, but you need to get to the bathroom, so you're bouncing off the walls and the doorframe. You know you have to be sick, to try to make it go away. You hate yourself, swear you won't do it again, as you knock back a pint of water only to throw that up as well. Everything spins and you want to shout for help and have it all go away.

I don't miss that one bit.

Day 27 - Storm in a teacup

I'm in a shitty mood today, and I was yesterday as well for much of the time. A combination of relatives showing up uninvited (and then leaving the seat up and pissing all over the floor, didn't help), too much to do (what's new!), hubs being a bit clueless, and a SmallPerson who is going through some emotional/hormonal stuff which means she will go into a screaming tantrum if I so much as look at her the wrong way.

I'm also in a bit of a grump because here we are at 4pm on Sunday, I'm bloody knackered, and I've not managed to tackle the one big job I wanted to do today. SO excuse the indulgence but I'm going to make a list of the stuff I HAVE done these past two days, so that I can remind myself that I didn't just waste time...

• Finished painting gazebo
• Fixed trampoline net (this is what led to the latest tantrum!)
• Washed down all the skirtings and door frames downstairs, and the walls whenever these were covered in god knows what
• Watered the plants (useful, since it's now raining)
• Sold some stuff on Ebay
• Hung pictures
• Planted the rose mum sent for my birthday
• Shopping
• 2 loads of laundry
• Cleaned the bathroom
• Dusted the living room
• Dusted the study
• Vacuumed downstairs
• Washed the curtains in the study
• Helped set up and dismantle the school fete
• Spent 90 mins selling raffle tickets and entrance tickets to said fete

Hah, I thought that would make me feel more accomplished but it looks like a really short list!

There have been positive things; some nice weather, school fete went well, erm...I'm not dead, I guess. But I just feel really grouchy and miserable. It's as if I was expecting not drinking to make all the other things in my life that I'm not happy about go away -but actually all it means is that my coping mechanism has been removed from me.

Bit of a one woman pity party at the moment, me. I'll go crawl back into my hole and hopefully come back happier tomorrow.

Day who even knows any more can I just go to bed now?

It's gone midnight. I worked until 10pm last night and then got home at midnight. Now I'm in London, I'll be working till midnight tomorrow, and I'm tired dammit.

But I'm okay and I'm still sober.

Tomorrow is the festival with free booze on tap all day. I'll be tired and bored and tempted. I am kind of grouchy thinking about it - it will definitely be a time when I miss drinking. But on the plus side I get to drive us back to the hotel after and wake up with a clear head.

Today's highlight was overhearing someone describe their dog as having 'a face like an angry BeeGee'.

Also wanted to share this, much as I don't like the paper, I like the tattoos. Simple, meaningful. I've been wondering about getting a tattoo to remind me of this journey so that might be a good one (I've never been suicidal thank goodness but I have a long term depression and anxiety thing going on).

The one I keep coming back to is this one though, the left hand side.

Better sleep. Hope you're all ok out there :)