Life is slowly returning to normal - thanks to those of you who commented on my last post. School begins again in a week, Hubs and myself are both back to work tomorrow, routine is beginning to kick in. The Small One is still suffering but it seems that the root of the problem is anxiety, which she was masking with anger and violence; we all feel much better now that nobody is screaming, and I'm not being beaten up!
Many sessions with the psych to follow, I suppose, but we are feeling our way through and managing to parent in shifts during the tougher times, and seem to have achieved a level of 'normal' which is bearable if not quite as easy as it once was.
I'm trying not to link SmallPerson's issues with any of my own, but it's hard not to. I drank when I was pregnant - very little, especially compared to my excesses in times both before and after my pregnancy, but probably a couple of times a week (only ever one drink at a time). At the time and long after I figured what the heck, she's fine, but when something like this happens it's very easy to blame yourself - especially when you'll never know the answer. Hell, does MY anxiety and borderline ASD stem from my own mother's drinking during her pregnancy? Again she wasn't a hellraiser, she wanted the best for me. Who knows if it has any effect?
Or perhaps I'm just beating myself up a little (a lot), because suddenly my perfect family isn't quite so damn perfect any more and I don't know what went wrong with it. Perhaps we were never all that perfect but I was so focused on ME being the one with the problems that I didn't notice it creeping up on her.
I am a bit low at the moment. My plans for a grand summer by the seaside totally failed, all the great things we were going to do, the fun we'd have. Here we are at the end of it, tired and stressed and with no good memories, nothing much achieved. A summer to forget, to be washed away by what has felt like near constant rain.
I should feel as though through all of it, the fact I've managed to remain sober is some sort of shining beacon. If I can stay sober through this shit, I've got it sorted. But somehow I even feel grouchy and depressed about that, what's the big deal, other people do it without expecting a fanfare after all.
Oh, some other stuff did happen. I got that tattoo - which really didn't hurt all that much, and which I really like, even if nobody else around me seems to. I've also joined a photography club and a couple of times now walked into a room full of strangers and come out feeling like I made friends. That's quite a big deal for me - plus it turns out I occasionally take a decent photo.
But for now I have to go. SmallPerson had a book on the stairs, I moved it, and a freak out is in progress. Yay.
Showing posts with label summer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label summer. Show all posts
Sunday, 23 August 2015
Friday, 3 July 2015
Day 25 - I wouldn't normally do this kind of thing...
So yesterday was The Festival. Yes, I got through it without alcohol though I did look covetously at everyone else's drinks. I even managed not to take a sip when I get getting drinks for other people.
I spent most of the afternoon working away from the main arena which really helped, but the coolest thing happened when the Pet Shop Boys were doing the closing set - I got to watch it from the mixing desk. I felt like some sort of VIP, and it was amazing especially the light show. I felt like it was my reward for staying sober, even though nobody else really knew.
It was also a great place to watch the very very drunken crowd from - most people appeared to be having a wonderful time, but I bet there were a few hundred sore heads this morning. A few people overdid it, passed out or leaning against walls looking a bit shaky. That would have been me with a free bar, not that long ago (not passing out, but definitely not brilliant). And I was glad it wasn't me, and happy that I was having such a great time even without a drink in me.
I think it's helped me in a big way with my fear that without alcohol nothing will feel quite as intense or fun. If anything I think being sober made it better. So there you go, a positive thing.
Also I got to drive back to the hotel after, and although getting up this morning was painful, it would have been a hell of a lot worse with a hangover.
The other thing which happened tonight; we have no AF beer in the house and I really fancied one. Hubs offered to go out and get some (bless him) and I said no, it would wait till tomorrow, I'd gone 2 nights without so what was one more. Thing is - if that was real beer, I'd NEVER have turned down the offer for him to go out and get some more. So I guess that's a positive sign too that just the habit is passing.
Oh, and another - bought 2 cans of G&T as a gift for a friend today, and the man in the shop said "Oh it's 4 for 3 at the moment" and I said - get this - "No thanks, 2 is enough".
Who the hell is this woman who has taken over my brain?? I like her!
Let's hope the weekend is as productive as the last one now. Hope you all have a great one!
I spent most of the afternoon working away from the main arena which really helped, but the coolest thing happened when the Pet Shop Boys were doing the closing set - I got to watch it from the mixing desk. I felt like some sort of VIP, and it was amazing especially the light show. I felt like it was my reward for staying sober, even though nobody else really knew.
It was also a great place to watch the very very drunken crowd from - most people appeared to be having a wonderful time, but I bet there were a few hundred sore heads this morning. A few people overdid it, passed out or leaning against walls looking a bit shaky. That would have been me with a free bar, not that long ago (not passing out, but definitely not brilliant). And I was glad it wasn't me, and happy that I was having such a great time even without a drink in me.
I think it's helped me in a big way with my fear that without alcohol nothing will feel quite as intense or fun. If anything I think being sober made it better. So there you go, a positive thing.
Also I got to drive back to the hotel after, and although getting up this morning was painful, it would have been a hell of a lot worse with a hangover.
The other thing which happened tonight; we have no AF beer in the house and I really fancied one. Hubs offered to go out and get some (bless him) and I said no, it would wait till tomorrow, I'd gone 2 nights without so what was one more. Thing is - if that was real beer, I'd NEVER have turned down the offer for him to go out and get some more. So I guess that's a positive sign too that just the habit is passing.
Oh, and another - bought 2 cans of G&T as a gift for a friend today, and the man in the shop said "Oh it's 4 for 3 at the moment" and I said - get this - "No thanks, 2 is enough".
Who the hell is this woman who has taken over my brain?? I like her!
Let's hope the weekend is as productive as the last one now. Hope you all have a great one!
Tuesday, 30 June 2015
Day 22 - Three weeks!
I'm writing this post in a bar, in Liverpool.
All around me are people drinking wine, or nice cool beers, on what has been the hottest day of the year. The car hit 32 degrees earlier - and this is in the North of England. Practically unheard of. It's a lovely evening to relax with friends over a drink.
So you'll forgive me for an ice cold wine won't you? Just the one?
No, I didn't think you would - which is why I'm sitting here alone with my laptop, sipping tonic water. Unfortunately my job means I have to sit here for at least another hour yet - but my only regret really is that it isn't the BrewDog bar around the corner so I could have a pint of (AF) Nanny State, which is my favourite new beer.
Actually this is the sort of place where they may have something AF, but I'm sort of shy to ask, after my faux pas the other day! And I need to get used to just making do, and fast, as Thursday I will be working at a festival all day where the booze is included in the entry fee (or in the staff AAA pass) and will be flowing freely. Hope the queues at the diet coke tent are shorter....
I saw the addiction counsellor today, she seemed pleased with me, and I seem to have triggered some sort of magic key at 3 weeks sober which means I'm now being given details of relapse prevention groups, a sobriety cafe, and all sorts. I think I might try to go - I don't feel like I need it now but I do think it's wise to have as much support in place ready for if and when I do start to fall. All sorts of meetings and groups that when I was an active drinker were kept secret from me! Interesting. Making time is my big problem though.
Two things she said that struck me -
1) that it takes 21 days to break a habit, so I might be getting beyond my evening drink habitual craving and
2) that people tend to relapse after 3 months when the novelty wears off.
3 months and it'll be back to school, back from the summer, back to routine - I can see that being a dangerous time anyway. But if I've made it that far, and through my holiday too, then hopefully I'll still be feeling strong. We will see.
All around me are people drinking wine, or nice cool beers, on what has been the hottest day of the year. The car hit 32 degrees earlier - and this is in the North of England. Practically unheard of. It's a lovely evening to relax with friends over a drink.
So you'll forgive me for an ice cold wine won't you? Just the one?
No, I didn't think you would - which is why I'm sitting here alone with my laptop, sipping tonic water. Unfortunately my job means I have to sit here for at least another hour yet - but my only regret really is that it isn't the BrewDog bar around the corner so I could have a pint of (AF) Nanny State, which is my favourite new beer.
Actually this is the sort of place where they may have something AF, but I'm sort of shy to ask, after my faux pas the other day! And I need to get used to just making do, and fast, as Thursday I will be working at a festival all day where the booze is included in the entry fee (or in the staff AAA pass) and will be flowing freely. Hope the queues at the diet coke tent are shorter....
I saw the addiction counsellor today, she seemed pleased with me, and I seem to have triggered some sort of magic key at 3 weeks sober which means I'm now being given details of relapse prevention groups, a sobriety cafe, and all sorts. I think I might try to go - I don't feel like I need it now but I do think it's wise to have as much support in place ready for if and when I do start to fall. All sorts of meetings and groups that when I was an active drinker were kept secret from me! Interesting. Making time is my big problem though.
Two things she said that struck me -
1) that it takes 21 days to break a habit, so I might be getting beyond my evening drink habitual craving and
2) that people tend to relapse after 3 months when the novelty wears off.
3 months and it'll be back to school, back from the summer, back to routine - I can see that being a dangerous time anyway. But if I've made it that far, and through my holiday too, then hopefully I'll still be feeling strong. We will see.
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