Day 50 - Pads, PAWS and Claws.

If I'm counting properly, I think that this is Day 50. I'm quite surprised, and also very proud of myself. I didn't think I would make it this far. A huge THANK YOU to all my blog-friends who have been there to help me through and encourage me!

I sound like someone giving an Oscars speech, like the prize has been won. It's interesting to me that there is no 'end' to this movie - or is there? Is there a celebration to be had at the end of every single day that I remain sober?

I'm feeling absolutely lousy at the moment - almost like I have a hangover which seems remarkably unfair considering. My back aches, my mind is fuzzy, my stomach is hollow and queasy, my mind is fuzzy. I just want to crawl back into bed. Not sure if this is PAWS or 'The Wall' (or are they the same thing?). It does become easy at this point to blame anything that goes wrong with the body or mind on sobriety, I suppose because there's comfort in thinking you know what is going on.

I know the correct answer to this is to be kind to myself - and I really am trying - but it's just so busy at the moment I can't slack off for a few days yet. I'm probably taking Friday off for a day out, and I'm definitely sleeping all day on Saturday, but I have to keep going until then.

We were out in London on Saturday night, and getting a cab back to the station after the theatre (which I can afford, now I'm not drinking!) was interesting - so many people late at night, stood on the street drinking. So many of them who probably felt rough as a badger's arse on Sunday morning. I looked at them and wondered where the pleasure was in what they were doing, tried to remember, and I honestly couldn't.

The flip side of that observation, though, was that when we went for a meal in Carluccios, a place I always associate with a large glass of white wine, I felt almost hypnotised by the glasses on the table until they were removed after we didn't order anything to go in them. Was that because of the habit of drinking wine in that place? Am I just a snobby alcoholic who considers herself too good to stand around on the street drinking from a plastic pint pot?

In the old days, I'd have had a glass of wine or two on the train, another with the meal, maybe two, two more at the theatre, and something when we got back to the B&B. Because it was spread out over 12 hours, I would consider that it wasn't that much. Interesting how none of those are just one drink.....!

My hands no longer shake.

I'm still great at procrastinating though. Back to work!!

Day 22 - Three weeks!

I'm writing this post in a bar, in Liverpool.

All around me are people drinking wine, or nice cool beers, on what has been the hottest day of the year. The car hit 32 degrees earlier - and this is in the North of England. Practically unheard of. It's a lovely evening to relax with friends over a drink.

So you'll forgive me for an ice cold wine won't you? Just the one?

No, I didn't think you would - which is why I'm sitting here alone with my laptop, sipping tonic water. Unfortunately my job means I have to sit here for at least another hour yet - but my only regret really is that it isn't the BrewDog bar around the corner so I could have a pint of (AF) Nanny State, which is my favourite new beer.

Actually this is the sort of place where they may have something AF, but I'm sort of shy to ask, after my faux pas the other day! And I need to get used to just making do, and fast, as Thursday I will be working at a festival all day where the booze is included in the entry fee (or in the staff AAA pass) and will be flowing freely. Hope the queues at the diet coke tent are shorter....

I saw the addiction counsellor today, she seemed pleased with me, and I seem to have triggered some sort of magic key at 3 weeks sober which means I'm now being given details of relapse prevention groups, a sobriety cafe, and all sorts. I think I might try to go - I don't feel like I need it now but I do think it's wise to have as much support in place ready for if and when I do start to fall. All sorts of meetings and groups that when I was an active drinker were kept secret from me! Interesting. Making time is my big problem though.

Two things she said that struck me -

1) that it takes 21 days to break a habit, so I might be getting beyond my evening drink habitual craving and
2) that people tend to relapse after 3 months when the novelty wears off.

3 months and it'll be back to school, back from the summer, back to routine - I can see that being a dangerous time anyway. But if I've made it that far, and through my holiday too, then hopefully I'll still be feeling strong. We will see.