If I'm counting properly, I think that this is Day 50. I'm quite surprised, and also very proud of myself. I didn't think I would make it this far. A huge THANK YOU to all my blog-friends who have been there to help me through and encourage me!
I sound like someone giving an Oscars speech, like the prize has been won. It's interesting to me that there is no 'end' to this movie - or is there? Is there a celebration to be had at the end of every single day that I remain sober?
I'm feeling absolutely lousy at the moment - almost like I have a hangover which seems remarkably unfair considering. My back aches, my mind is fuzzy, my stomach is hollow and queasy, my mind is fuzzy. I just want to crawl back into bed. Not sure if this is PAWS or 'The Wall' (or are they the same thing?). It does become easy at this point to blame anything that goes wrong with the body or mind on sobriety, I suppose because there's comfort in thinking you know what is going on.
I know the correct answer to this is to be kind to myself - and I really am trying - but it's just so busy at the moment I can't slack off for a few days yet. I'm probably taking Friday off for a day out, and I'm definitely sleeping all day on Saturday, but I have to keep going until then.
We were out in London on Saturday night, and getting a cab back to the station after the theatre (which I can afford, now I'm not drinking!) was interesting - so many people late at night, stood on the street drinking. So many of them who probably felt rough as a badger's arse on Sunday morning. I looked at them and wondered where the pleasure was in what they were doing, tried to remember, and I honestly couldn't.
The flip side of that observation, though, was that when we went for a meal in Carluccios, a place I always associate with a large glass of white wine, I felt almost hypnotised by the glasses on the table until they were removed after we didn't order anything to go in them. Was that because of the habit of drinking wine in that place? Am I just a snobby alcoholic who considers herself too good to stand around on the street drinking from a plastic pint pot?
In the old days, I'd have had a glass of wine or two on the train, another with the meal, maybe two, two more at the theatre, and something when we got back to the B&B. Because it was spread out over 12 hours, I would consider that it wasn't that much. Interesting how none of those are just one drink.....!
My hands no longer shake.
I'm still great at procrastinating though. Back to work!!
Showing posts with label events. Show all posts
Showing posts with label events. Show all posts
Tuesday, 28 July 2015
Thursday, 16 July 2015
The Bitch is Back
One thing about being sober is that I can no longer blame the less wonderful aspects of my personality on my drinking.
I'd like to think I'm a nice person - I'm kind, I try to think of others, I lack a lot of social skills but I try to treat others as I would like to be treated. Despite this I do sometimes lack patience.
There have been a couple of times this week where I've just lost my temper with people - I've been polite and not raised my email (or TYPED IN CAPITALS) but I've had to be a little...well, firm I suppose is the word.
Actually you know what? Reflecting on it, I'm quite happy that by the time I got firm, I'd played nice and been helpful quite enough - but what annoyed me was when people continued to fail to do their job (or expected me to do it for them!). Interestingly, I don't feel too bad about it, I don't think I've been rude or unreasonable. So perhaps this is a good thing - old me would have been chewing on it and feeling bad.
I suppose I also take it sometimes without it upsetting me - I can be a bit clueless and the people who work with me occasionally sit me down and tell me what they need from me. Perhaps they are quietly gnashing their teeth as they smile nicely and talk to me in short sentences!
I'm also dealing with some drama - not mine, but a friend who is a total drama queen. They have had a big row with their partner but this means it's OVER FOREVER WAAAAAAH rather than just that the other party is too pissed off to reply to their texts right now. I'm trying so hard to be nice, and supportive, but I am also trying to say to them - relax, apologise, and wait. Just wait.
Maybe I'd be different if it was my own drama, but waiting to see what the Universe does about it seems to be about the only course of action available sometimes.
I'm off to London tonight to see this which I am really looking forward to. I'm told the cocktails are amazing. I hope they have something interesting but AF for me!
I'd like to think I'm a nice person - I'm kind, I try to think of others, I lack a lot of social skills but I try to treat others as I would like to be treated. Despite this I do sometimes lack patience.
There have been a couple of times this week where I've just lost my temper with people - I've been polite and not raised my email (or TYPED IN CAPITALS) but I've had to be a little...well, firm I suppose is the word.
Actually you know what? Reflecting on it, I'm quite happy that by the time I got firm, I'd played nice and been helpful quite enough - but what annoyed me was when people continued to fail to do their job (or expected me to do it for them!). Interestingly, I don't feel too bad about it, I don't think I've been rude or unreasonable. So perhaps this is a good thing - old me would have been chewing on it and feeling bad.
I suppose I also take it sometimes without it upsetting me - I can be a bit clueless and the people who work with me occasionally sit me down and tell me what they need from me. Perhaps they are quietly gnashing their teeth as they smile nicely and talk to me in short sentences!
I'm also dealing with some drama - not mine, but a friend who is a total drama queen. They have had a big row with their partner but this means it's OVER FOREVER WAAAAAAH rather than just that the other party is too pissed off to reply to their texts right now. I'm trying so hard to be nice, and supportive, but I am also trying to say to them - relax, apologise, and wait. Just wait.
Maybe I'd be different if it was my own drama, but waiting to see what the Universe does about it seems to be about the only course of action available sometimes.
I'm off to London tonight to see this which I am really looking forward to. I'm told the cocktails are amazing. I hope they have something interesting but AF for me!
Sunday, 12 July 2015
Day 34 - Surviving a sober birthday
I'm slightly ashamed of myself for not updating this for a week. I have missed my little group of supporters, and missed catching up on your blogs too, so I think there might be a few hours of reading ahead for me once I've got this down.
It was a funny week mood-wise. Lots and lots of work done, my usual feeling of not being caught up and running to stand still...nothing bad happened but I wasn't always in my most enthusiastic of moods. It culminated on Friday - it was my MBA graduation ceremony. Hubs took a day off to attend, in-laws arranged to pick SmallPerson up from school and baby sit and then on the morning of the event....I decided I couldn't be bothered!
It wasn't quite that simple to be fair - I think I've mentioned before the caravan I have been renovating, and I'd done some work on that during the week as I wanted to get it ready-ish for Saturday when people would be coming over for my birthday. So by Friday morning I was tired, and I still wanted to get a lot of work done on it. I had a rare 'day off' from my work (out of office ON and a resolve not to look at my emails!), and suddenly the thought of chasing around Manchester trying to find robing rooms and photographers and assigned seats and then sit sweltering in Whitworth Hall watching lots of people I don't know march across a stage seemed like a huge waste of time.
I've graduated twice before. It's boring. I don't need a photo or a silly hat to make myself proud of my achievement - I know what I have done, I know better than anyone else ever can what hard work it was to get there. The realisation that I'm an adult and I really didn't HAVE to go if I didn't want to was actually quite liberating. I'm assuming they will post me my certificate!
As a result the caravan now looks halfway decent inside. It's definitely 'shabby chic' and the paint job isn't the best, but it's habitable (just) and a place where I can actually imagine us spending a couple of nights. I must try not to get too ambitious now though - at the moment there's no power or plumbing and it's probably safest for us all if it stays that way. I'm bidding on caravan movers on eBay now which are worth more than the van itself but persuading myself that I can always take it off and sell it once the caravan gives way....
Next job will be to tart up the outside a bit!
Yesterday was Birthday Day. On my last night of drinking I had rather rashly decided to host a BBQ and invite everyone to it. Bit of a disaster really, my family and a couple of friends showed up but nobody was really drinking (although I had laid on plenty of beer and wine!) and everyone had gone by about 7pm. The trouble with my parties, which I very rarely host, is that I tend to be the 'common link' so people generally don't know each other - which doesn't make for a great time for anyone as I spend most of it trying to make sure everyone has been talked to and has a drink in their hand.
Anyway, the difference this year is that I refuse to stress about it too much, I'm not responsible for people's fun really. It's reminded me why I don't do it, and why I won't do it again! I also fret a bit about who DIDN'T come and why I can't host a party like normal people, which is not really necessary or helpful.
Today's problem is what to do with the leftover alcohol - I guess stash it in the garage in a box, try not to forget it's there, and donate it to other social gatherings before the best before date is up! There's a ton of lovely soft drinks and cordials which I will enjoy working my way through.
There was only one moment where I wanted a drink - when I was pouring the first glasses of wine. The smell hit me and I just WANTED some. I somehow got some on my fingers and wanted to lick it off. But I didn't, and the feeling passed and didn't come back. I very deliberately didn't buy spirits, as I didn't want anything left in the house that might need 'finishing off' and I think that was a good plan.
It seems very unfair that today I feel rough as anything - just exhausted. I was thrown out of bed at 1.30pm and now I'm just curled up on the sofa in my nightie, and probably not moving too far today. I ache all over from all of the physical work of the last few days, and I could go back to sleep at the drop of a hat. I wonder if this is a sign that I really ought to start thinking about fitness, carving out some time to go swimming a couple of times a week? I'm not a gym bunny at all, and I'm a slow swimmer, but I do find it quite relaxing. Also I have a waterproof MP3 player so it might also be a good time to catch up on some audio books!
It was a funny week mood-wise. Lots and lots of work done, my usual feeling of not being caught up and running to stand still...nothing bad happened but I wasn't always in my most enthusiastic of moods. It culminated on Friday - it was my MBA graduation ceremony. Hubs took a day off to attend, in-laws arranged to pick SmallPerson up from school and baby sit and then on the morning of the event....I decided I couldn't be bothered!
It wasn't quite that simple to be fair - I think I've mentioned before the caravan I have been renovating, and I'd done some work on that during the week as I wanted to get it ready-ish for Saturday when people would be coming over for my birthday. So by Friday morning I was tired, and I still wanted to get a lot of work done on it. I had a rare 'day off' from my work (out of office ON and a resolve not to look at my emails!), and suddenly the thought of chasing around Manchester trying to find robing rooms and photographers and assigned seats and then sit sweltering in Whitworth Hall watching lots of people I don't know march across a stage seemed like a huge waste of time.
I've graduated twice before. It's boring. I don't need a photo or a silly hat to make myself proud of my achievement - I know what I have done, I know better than anyone else ever can what hard work it was to get there. The realisation that I'm an adult and I really didn't HAVE to go if I didn't want to was actually quite liberating. I'm assuming they will post me my certificate!
As a result the caravan now looks halfway decent inside. It's definitely 'shabby chic' and the paint job isn't the best, but it's habitable (just) and a place where I can actually imagine us spending a couple of nights. I must try not to get too ambitious now though - at the moment there's no power or plumbing and it's probably safest for us all if it stays that way. I'm bidding on caravan movers on eBay now which are worth more than the van itself but persuading myself that I can always take it off and sell it once the caravan gives way....
Next job will be to tart up the outside a bit!
Yesterday was Birthday Day. On my last night of drinking I had rather rashly decided to host a BBQ and invite everyone to it. Bit of a disaster really, my family and a couple of friends showed up but nobody was really drinking (although I had laid on plenty of beer and wine!) and everyone had gone by about 7pm. The trouble with my parties, which I very rarely host, is that I tend to be the 'common link' so people generally don't know each other - which doesn't make for a great time for anyone as I spend most of it trying to make sure everyone has been talked to and has a drink in their hand.
Anyway, the difference this year is that I refuse to stress about it too much, I'm not responsible for people's fun really. It's reminded me why I don't do it, and why I won't do it again! I also fret a bit about who DIDN'T come and why I can't host a party like normal people, which is not really necessary or helpful.
Today's problem is what to do with the leftover alcohol - I guess stash it in the garage in a box, try not to forget it's there, and donate it to other social gatherings before the best before date is up! There's a ton of lovely soft drinks and cordials which I will enjoy working my way through.
There was only one moment where I wanted a drink - when I was pouring the first glasses of wine. The smell hit me and I just WANTED some. I somehow got some on my fingers and wanted to lick it off. But I didn't, and the feeling passed and didn't come back. I very deliberately didn't buy spirits, as I didn't want anything left in the house that might need 'finishing off' and I think that was a good plan.
It seems very unfair that today I feel rough as anything - just exhausted. I was thrown out of bed at 1.30pm and now I'm just curled up on the sofa in my nightie, and probably not moving too far today. I ache all over from all of the physical work of the last few days, and I could go back to sleep at the drop of a hat. I wonder if this is a sign that I really ought to start thinking about fitness, carving out some time to go swimming a couple of times a week? I'm not a gym bunny at all, and I'm a slow swimmer, but I do find it quite relaxing. Also I have a waterproof MP3 player so it might also be a good time to catch up on some audio books!
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