More than 3 weeks, closing in on 4, and at that happy point where without counting I can't tell you exactly how many days it is. I've not really had any serious cravings or second thoughts, until last night; I had a really stressful day at work (things are not going entirely brilliantly financially) and wanted to just fall face down into a bucket of gin when I got home. But I'm pleased to say I gave myself a pep talk - the Gin Goblin might help me to escape from my worries for an evening but it would also stop me from taking action to actually change the situation. So I stayed sober and worked through the evening instead, which was clearly more productive.
I'm feeling quite sorry for myself at the moment. I fell over on Friday (yeah, sober, what are the odds?) and hurt myself quite badly although nothing broken. Lost the weekend to mild concussion and I still ache all over which is stopping me from sleeping too well. Right now I'm working, but in my pyjamas, and vaguely contemplating how nice it would be to go back to bed. I think tonight I'm gone at 8pm with a good book - just need to keep going until then. Moan moan moan.
I'm not especially noting any huge benefits of sobriety this time around - but perhaps that's because I've been too focused on my recent one woman pity party. I'm getting things done, I guess, but I'm still waking up headachey and fuzzy. Who knew - you can get the effects of alcohol without actually spending money on it!
The next big test for me will be Friday - a night alone in a hotel in a strange city. I'm taking my camera and hoping to get some good architectural shots, and I'll be checking out the local sushi bars. Then I'll get some sleep like the sensible thing I am!
Showing posts with label sleep. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sleep. Show all posts
Tuesday, 28 February 2017
Wednesday, 22 February 2017
Nineteen
It's funny how the first few days seem to go so slowly, but here I am now closing in rapidly on 3 weeks of sobriety. I know it's hardly any time at all, but suddenly goals like a month don't seem so very hard at all. There's definitely something about that first week - and especially Day 3 - which is uniquely tough.
My mood has stabilised somewhat since Monday. I'm still a bit up and down, but also a bit more rational and a bit less tearful. We had an even worse morning with Ellie yesterday but I stayed calm and in control of it, even though we ended up being an hour late in to school. I definitely coped much better.
I was working overnight in London last night and found myself half an hour before closing in a pub which is basically my idea of heaven - former CAMRA pub of the year, and 20 real ales behind the bar. I had a diet coke, and only wanted beer a tiny bit. Not so much that I even for a moment contemplated actually ordering one; so that was a victory. And good to know I don't have to miss out on sitting in pubs reading books, which I do think is one of life's pleasures!
I'm absolutely shattered today, lack of sleep, probably got 5 hours in a very uncomfortable bed. My neck and shoulders have been hurting as I think I've been hunching up from all the stresses of the last few weeks. And I have to be on the road at 6am tomorrow for another insanely long day. I've managed to get a good bit of work done today but it's busy, and so I feel like I'm falling behind (I am!). It's a juggling act at the moment to meet deadlines and set reasonable expectations - there's nothing I can't finish, but finishing things by Friday when I won't get back to the office until Monday afternoon is looking sort of impossible.
Keep breathing.
My mood has stabilised somewhat since Monday. I'm still a bit up and down, but also a bit more rational and a bit less tearful. We had an even worse morning with Ellie yesterday but I stayed calm and in control of it, even though we ended up being an hour late in to school. I definitely coped much better.
I was working overnight in London last night and found myself half an hour before closing in a pub which is basically my idea of heaven - former CAMRA pub of the year, and 20 real ales behind the bar. I had a diet coke, and only wanted beer a tiny bit. Not so much that I even for a moment contemplated actually ordering one; so that was a victory. And good to know I don't have to miss out on sitting in pubs reading books, which I do think is one of life's pleasures!
I'm absolutely shattered today, lack of sleep, probably got 5 hours in a very uncomfortable bed. My neck and shoulders have been hurting as I think I've been hunching up from all the stresses of the last few weeks. And I have to be on the road at 6am tomorrow for another insanely long day. I've managed to get a good bit of work done today but it's busy, and so I feel like I'm falling behind (I am!). It's a juggling act at the moment to meet deadlines and set reasonable expectations - there's nothing I can't finish, but finishing things by Friday when I won't get back to the office until Monday afternoon is looking sort of impossible.
Keep breathing.
Tuesday, 14 February 2017
Day 11. Cravings and weirdness
Day 11. More cravings today. Not so much that I'll give in, but I have been thinking about alcohol a lot more today and feeling quite anxious about never drinking again. This will pass, I know. I'm telling myself that it's a choice - that I can choose to drink if I want to - but that the sensible part of me knows that would be a bad choice. Nobody is saying 'no', what is actually happening is me saying 'No, thanks, not today'.
My brain is waking up a lot, but my motivation is lagging behind - if I was in a mood to write, to work, I could absolutely kill it. But my focus is on my hobby (photography) rather than my job at the moment and I'm having to try to rein it in and actually get some paying work out of the door.
Off to Cornwall to see my mum tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to. I've not been home since last summer and I could do with a dose of sea air. Going to stock up on Nanny State and pretend I never liked the local beers anyway!
Nothing much else to report. Better sleep last night. I do have one weird physical thing going on at the moment but I can't imagine how it can possibly be linked to alcohol, unless that in turn can do something wacky to your hormones? Hopefully a few days of R&R will see me come back to real life next week with a bit more enthusiasm for everything...
My brain is waking up a lot, but my motivation is lagging behind - if I was in a mood to write, to work, I could absolutely kill it. But my focus is on my hobby (photography) rather than my job at the moment and I'm having to try to rein it in and actually get some paying work out of the door.
Off to Cornwall to see my mum tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to. I've not been home since last summer and I could do with a dose of sea air. Going to stock up on Nanny State and pretend I never liked the local beers anyway!
Nothing much else to report. Better sleep last night. I do have one weird physical thing going on at the moment but I can't imagine how it can possibly be linked to alcohol, unless that in turn can do something wacky to your hormones? Hopefully a few days of R&R will see me come back to real life next week with a bit more enthusiasm for everything...
Sunday, 12 February 2017
Day 9 - The Storm
Day 9 already. This time around, I seem to have arrived here entirely without drama, without needing to really reach out or hold myself back. It's a little too easy - but I know that Gin Goblin all too well so I mustn't become complacent.
I'm going to visit my mum later in the week, so will go through several of my drinking triggers there - both socially and emotionally. Mum's on board with supporting me though, she won't offer me a drink! Thinking back, though, last time I was sober I remember having a sip of the sherry I poured her and then deciding I didn't want any, anyway.
The storm isn't an emotional one, it's the actual weather. We were promised heavy snow starting 10pm last night and lasting 24 hours. There's no snow - what we have instead is 60mph winds which haven't let up all night. The letterbox and the cat flap banging are driving the dog mad, and I've had about 5 hours' sleep. Hubs is sleeping soundly upstairs (it's his turn to sleep in), and I'm downstairs with E trying to get off the sofa.
I'm still lacking motivation in a big way. I have things I need to do this weekend, things I have been putting off for ages. I could easily keep myself busy today with little jobs around the house before we even start thinking about the work things that are piling up too! Being up early means I could get so much done, so why am I under a blanket on the sofa, waiting for hubs to get up so that I can sneak back to bed for an hour?
This all sounds really negative - actually I'm...well, I'm not full of the joys, but I'm feeling pretty neutral. Everything is 'ok'. I have a day off work tomorrow for my photography class, so need to spend some time today getting my most recent work together for review, and I'll be spending tomorrow with friends. Focus on the positive...one of those friends is Sober R who has been great, checking in on me daily and sympathising with the rough parts. I think having seen what he has achieved has helped to motivate me to do this again.
I'm going to visit my mum later in the week, so will go through several of my drinking triggers there - both socially and emotionally. Mum's on board with supporting me though, she won't offer me a drink! Thinking back, though, last time I was sober I remember having a sip of the sherry I poured her and then deciding I didn't want any, anyway.
The storm isn't an emotional one, it's the actual weather. We were promised heavy snow starting 10pm last night and lasting 24 hours. There's no snow - what we have instead is 60mph winds which haven't let up all night. The letterbox and the cat flap banging are driving the dog mad, and I've had about 5 hours' sleep. Hubs is sleeping soundly upstairs (it's his turn to sleep in), and I'm downstairs with E trying to get off the sofa.
I'm still lacking motivation in a big way. I have things I need to do this weekend, things I have been putting off for ages. I could easily keep myself busy today with little jobs around the house before we even start thinking about the work things that are piling up too! Being up early means I could get so much done, so why am I under a blanket on the sofa, waiting for hubs to get up so that I can sneak back to bed for an hour?
This all sounds really negative - actually I'm...well, I'm not full of the joys, but I'm feeling pretty neutral. Everything is 'ok'. I have a day off work tomorrow for my photography class, so need to spend some time today getting my most recent work together for review, and I'll be spending tomorrow with friends. Focus on the positive...one of those friends is Sober R who has been great, checking in on me daily and sympathising with the rough parts. I think having seen what he has achieved has helped to motivate me to do this again.
Thursday, 9 February 2017
Day 6
Hello, world.
I don't really know what I want to write about today, I suppose I'm just checking in. It'll be a week tomorrow which feels both like a big milestone, and a small one - but mainly I'm focusing on just doing this one day at a time.
My brain is definitely starting to wake up again. I managed to figure something out in Photoshop last night which has eluded me for the past 12 months, and I'm about to launch into some fairly technical stuff at work which isn't too daunting. I'm lacking a bit of mojo for work at the moment but I've been like that all year if the truth be told. Hoping that will come back, as I start to come back too.
Sleep is still an issue. I'm tending to drop off around 1am, and I have to be up at 6.30 to get E ready for school (you have never seen anyone move as slowly in the morning as her!). Definitely feeling like I'm crawling towards Saturday and the promise of no alarm clock...I have been going to bed around 10pm and reading for a bit but sleep eludes me even when I do everything 'right'.
Yesterday evening I had to battle some pretty big cravings. I think I was as close to cracking as I have come so far. Not really sure what triggered it other than that I was tired, running my bath, and thought how nice it would be to soak and drink. Sober Friend R has recommended Eisberg as being a reasonably acceptable alternative but I do remember trying it last time around and loathing it. I think perhaps a year of sobriety has made him forget what wine actually tastes like ;)
Anyway, I decided there wasn't anything in the house that I liked well enough to break my streak for - there is gin, but happily I'm not dreadfully keen on it, some sort of strange yellowish 'bathtub' gin. I tried to distract myself on r/stopdrinking but reading about other people's benders just made me want what they had been drinking! In the end I just went to bed with a book, and that did the trick.
I have a meeting / cake session at 3pm today with a client, so it's a short day at least. Best get on with it!
I don't really know what I want to write about today, I suppose I'm just checking in. It'll be a week tomorrow which feels both like a big milestone, and a small one - but mainly I'm focusing on just doing this one day at a time.
My brain is definitely starting to wake up again. I managed to figure something out in Photoshop last night which has eluded me for the past 12 months, and I'm about to launch into some fairly technical stuff at work which isn't too daunting. I'm lacking a bit of mojo for work at the moment but I've been like that all year if the truth be told. Hoping that will come back, as I start to come back too.
Sleep is still an issue. I'm tending to drop off around 1am, and I have to be up at 6.30 to get E ready for school (you have never seen anyone move as slowly in the morning as her!). Definitely feeling like I'm crawling towards Saturday and the promise of no alarm clock...I have been going to bed around 10pm and reading for a bit but sleep eludes me even when I do everything 'right'.
Yesterday evening I had to battle some pretty big cravings. I think I was as close to cracking as I have come so far. Not really sure what triggered it other than that I was tired, running my bath, and thought how nice it would be to soak and drink. Sober Friend R has recommended Eisberg as being a reasonably acceptable alternative but I do remember trying it last time around and loathing it. I think perhaps a year of sobriety has made him forget what wine actually tastes like ;)
Anyway, I decided there wasn't anything in the house that I liked well enough to break my streak for - there is gin, but happily I'm not dreadfully keen on it, some sort of strange yellowish 'bathtub' gin. I tried to distract myself on r/stopdrinking but reading about other people's benders just made me want what they had been drinking! In the end I just went to bed with a book, and that did the trick.
I have a meeting / cake session at 3pm today with a client, so it's a short day at least. Best get on with it!
Tuesday, 7 February 2017
Day 4
Day 4. Insomnia struck last night, and the night before, so I took a ZzzQuil at 1 am each time. Today I slept until 11am and am still walking around the office like a zombie (luckily, I'm the boss, so I can get away with it!). Entertained to note that I took one a couple of weeks back and felt it did nothing - I guess that's another sign of how booze was affecting my brain.
I feel like a bit of an observer at the moment rather than actually living in my body. It's not unpleasant, just different. I'm cutting myself a lot of slack and trying to be kind and positive in my inner monologue. Things like tidying the house, weeding the garden - they aren't the most important things and I refuse to beat myself up about them, for now. I'm promising that in a few weeks time, when the weather improves and so do I, I'll have tons of energy to tackle all of those jobs I have avoided for the past 12 months.
I feel much more confident and comfortable at this point than I did last time - perhaps because I know I can do it, and because I know what to expect? Perhaps because, having failed once before, I now accept that I'm an all or nothing person and just shouldn't drink? Perhaps because I've seen my friend ace it for a year now and can see the real difference it has made to him.
I also don't have to do quite as much soul searching. I know what my triggers for drinking are (stress and boredom) and when my danger points are (evenings, weekend afternoons), and I've got my strategies in place (Nanny State n/a beers and early nights). It's just a case of ticking off the days until I don't feel I have to tick them off any more.
The big change since last time around is that we now understand that our daughter has Asperger syndrome; that's why her behaviour was starting to get so difficult around the time I was going sober last time. I don't for a second blame that for me starting to drink again - but I know I'll probably be better equipped to help her if I'm fully present. I'm going to need energy to fight for her, calm her, support her, and fill in the endless forms. It's an added incentive!
Right. I guess I should do some work!
I feel like a bit of an observer at the moment rather than actually living in my body. It's not unpleasant, just different. I'm cutting myself a lot of slack and trying to be kind and positive in my inner monologue. Things like tidying the house, weeding the garden - they aren't the most important things and I refuse to beat myself up about them, for now. I'm promising that in a few weeks time, when the weather improves and so do I, I'll have tons of energy to tackle all of those jobs I have avoided for the past 12 months.
I feel much more confident and comfortable at this point than I did last time - perhaps because I know I can do it, and because I know what to expect? Perhaps because, having failed once before, I now accept that I'm an all or nothing person and just shouldn't drink? Perhaps because I've seen my friend ace it for a year now and can see the real difference it has made to him.
I also don't have to do quite as much soul searching. I know what my triggers for drinking are (stress and boredom) and when my danger points are (evenings, weekend afternoons), and I've got my strategies in place (Nanny State n/a beers and early nights). It's just a case of ticking off the days until I don't feel I have to tick them off any more.
The big change since last time around is that we now understand that our daughter has Asperger syndrome; that's why her behaviour was starting to get so difficult around the time I was going sober last time. I don't for a second blame that for me starting to drink again - but I know I'll probably be better equipped to help her if I'm fully present. I'm going to need energy to fight for her, calm her, support her, and fill in the endless forms. It's an added incentive!
Right. I guess I should do some work!
Thursday, 28 April 2016
Day 2. The Zork.
Day 2, which represents progress in relation to all the other Day 1s there have been lately.
Nothing much to report - just working working working, and tired, and thinking of bed soon. I tried to drink some Tescos Alcohol Free fizzy wine but couldn't open it - it appears to be sealed with something called a Zork - and nobody in this household can work out how the hell to get it open. Advice, please? :)
Fortunately I have plenty of Nanny State. Feeling relaxed. Not bothered about drinking/not drinking tonight. Wish I had cake, though.
Wednesday, 27 April 2016
Guess what? Day 1!
It's another Day 1.
Monday, I didn't drink, and it wasn't a struggle. But what I'm noticing is that I'm comparing "current me" to "really bad drinking" me, and using that as an excuse to keep drinking. And I suspect being able to make excuses is a sign of ...something....
Yesterday was a very fucked up day in many ways. Some great things happened, some downright horrible things happened. So when I got home I had a G&T. And a beer. And a glass of wine.
Yeah. No excuses for that, really, are there?
I'm on a bit of a self improvement kick in other ways. I went for a run yesterday (I don't think I will do it again. It was horrible). I've been getting up at 5.30am to work and making sure I'm in bed by 10pm which has been working surprisingly well. But today - Didn't get up until 6.30am (lazybones!), and not feeling too motivated. I don't feel ill, but I'm tired, and I'm grumpy, and that'll be a hangover I guess.
When I was considering it this morning, what I realised was it didn't help me at all. What helped me last night was talking to the person who had upset me, and discovering that whilst I had cause to be upset, it wasn't quite as bad as I had taken it to be.
Also - did I enjoy any of those drinks? I don't think I did. I don't think any of them tasted especially wonderful, I don't remember sitting and just savouring one and thinking "Oh, that's nice".
When I sobered up last year (for 6 months!!) I'd been considering it and finding excuses not to do it for a while, and when it happened I felt 'ready' for it. I feel ready again, now.
Monday, I didn't drink, and it wasn't a struggle. But what I'm noticing is that I'm comparing "current me" to "really bad drinking" me, and using that as an excuse to keep drinking. And I suspect being able to make excuses is a sign of ...something....
Yesterday was a very fucked up day in many ways. Some great things happened, some downright horrible things happened. So when I got home I had a G&T. And a beer. And a glass of wine.
Yeah. No excuses for that, really, are there?
I'm on a bit of a self improvement kick in other ways. I went for a run yesterday (I don't think I will do it again. It was horrible). I've been getting up at 5.30am to work and making sure I'm in bed by 10pm which has been working surprisingly well. But today - Didn't get up until 6.30am (lazybones!), and not feeling too motivated. I don't feel ill, but I'm tired, and I'm grumpy, and that'll be a hangover I guess.
When I was considering it this morning, what I realised was it didn't help me at all. What helped me last night was talking to the person who had upset me, and discovering that whilst I had cause to be upset, it wasn't quite as bad as I had taken it to be.
Also - did I enjoy any of those drinks? I don't think I did. I don't think any of them tasted especially wonderful, I don't remember sitting and just savouring one and thinking "Oh, that's nice".
When I sobered up last year (for 6 months!!) I'd been considering it and finding excuses not to do it for a while, and when it happened I felt 'ready' for it. I feel ready again, now.
Thursday, 31 March 2016
Another Day 1
Wow, for someone who stayed sober for over 100 days, I suck at staying sober.
2 glasses of wine last night. Very pleasant, helped the conversation flow, topped off what was a great day. So WHY then did I neck the best part of a bottle of prosecco when I got home? I don't even like the bloody stuff.
So of course I feel rough. It's been a really stressful day too, trying to get the Tiny Human to the dentist and then to the child psych this evening, not finding any time to actually do my job...I don't know if the hangover is making the stress seem worse or not but it's definitely not helping.
I think I need to find some chocolate.
2 glasses of wine last night. Very pleasant, helped the conversation flow, topped off what was a great day. So WHY then did I neck the best part of a bottle of prosecco when I got home? I don't even like the bloody stuff.
So of course I feel rough. It's been a really stressful day too, trying to get the Tiny Human to the dentist and then to the child psych this evening, not finding any time to actually do my job...I don't know if the hangover is making the stress seem worse or not but it's definitely not helping.
I think I need to find some chocolate.
Monday, 13 July 2015
Grumpy tired post
I did not sleep well last night...SmallPerson was in the bed, Hubs was snoring like a rhino with a megaphone, and me? Perched on the edge of the (super king!) bed. I kept waking up. My brain was buzzing. So today I'm knackered and to be honest, if hubs were home, I'd be in the bath by now and thinking about sleep.
I'm still beating myself up for being behind at work, but trying to remind myself that I did plenty today and it's okay to spend an evening sitting on the sofa - not making curtains, not studying, not doing anything. This is ok. Giving in on this day and going to bed is okay.
School holidays next week, which stresses me out too - guilt at needing to put Small into holiday club, guilt at not doing something amazing when we are together. We are at my mum's near the beach for a month in the middle of it, which will be great, but this year I need to get my act together to show Small some of the 'tourist' things about my homeland which I take for granted. I ought to make a list, even a plan, to stop myself just wasting the time, sitting on the laptop and working and missing the opportunity.
I like lists. But tonight, too tired to make one.
Seeing the alcohol counsellor tomorrow. Wonder if I will unlock a new level in the 'secret stuff for recovering addicts' game? :)
I'm still beating myself up for being behind at work, but trying to remind myself that I did plenty today and it's okay to spend an evening sitting on the sofa - not making curtains, not studying, not doing anything. This is ok. Giving in on this day and going to bed is okay.
School holidays next week, which stresses me out too - guilt at needing to put Small into holiday club, guilt at not doing something amazing when we are together. We are at my mum's near the beach for a month in the middle of it, which will be great, but this year I need to get my act together to show Small some of the 'tourist' things about my homeland which I take for granted. I ought to make a list, even a plan, to stop myself just wasting the time, sitting on the laptop and working and missing the opportunity.
I like lists. But tonight, too tired to make one.
Seeing the alcohol counsellor tomorrow. Wonder if I will unlock a new level in the 'secret stuff for recovering addicts' game? :)
Sunday, 12 July 2015
Day 34 - Surviving a sober birthday
I'm slightly ashamed of myself for not updating this for a week. I have missed my little group of supporters, and missed catching up on your blogs too, so I think there might be a few hours of reading ahead for me once I've got this down.
It was a funny week mood-wise. Lots and lots of work done, my usual feeling of not being caught up and running to stand still...nothing bad happened but I wasn't always in my most enthusiastic of moods. It culminated on Friday - it was my MBA graduation ceremony. Hubs took a day off to attend, in-laws arranged to pick SmallPerson up from school and baby sit and then on the morning of the event....I decided I couldn't be bothered!
It wasn't quite that simple to be fair - I think I've mentioned before the caravan I have been renovating, and I'd done some work on that during the week as I wanted to get it ready-ish for Saturday when people would be coming over for my birthday. So by Friday morning I was tired, and I still wanted to get a lot of work done on it. I had a rare 'day off' from my work (out of office ON and a resolve not to look at my emails!), and suddenly the thought of chasing around Manchester trying to find robing rooms and photographers and assigned seats and then sit sweltering in Whitworth Hall watching lots of people I don't know march across a stage seemed like a huge waste of time.
I've graduated twice before. It's boring. I don't need a photo or a silly hat to make myself proud of my achievement - I know what I have done, I know better than anyone else ever can what hard work it was to get there. The realisation that I'm an adult and I really didn't HAVE to go if I didn't want to was actually quite liberating. I'm assuming they will post me my certificate!
As a result the caravan now looks halfway decent inside. It's definitely 'shabby chic' and the paint job isn't the best, but it's habitable (just) and a place where I can actually imagine us spending a couple of nights. I must try not to get too ambitious now though - at the moment there's no power or plumbing and it's probably safest for us all if it stays that way. I'm bidding on caravan movers on eBay now which are worth more than the van itself but persuading myself that I can always take it off and sell it once the caravan gives way....
Next job will be to tart up the outside a bit!
Yesterday was Birthday Day. On my last night of drinking I had rather rashly decided to host a BBQ and invite everyone to it. Bit of a disaster really, my family and a couple of friends showed up but nobody was really drinking (although I had laid on plenty of beer and wine!) and everyone had gone by about 7pm. The trouble with my parties, which I very rarely host, is that I tend to be the 'common link' so people generally don't know each other - which doesn't make for a great time for anyone as I spend most of it trying to make sure everyone has been talked to and has a drink in their hand.
Anyway, the difference this year is that I refuse to stress about it too much, I'm not responsible for people's fun really. It's reminded me why I don't do it, and why I won't do it again! I also fret a bit about who DIDN'T come and why I can't host a party like normal people, which is not really necessary or helpful.
Today's problem is what to do with the leftover alcohol - I guess stash it in the garage in a box, try not to forget it's there, and donate it to other social gatherings before the best before date is up! There's a ton of lovely soft drinks and cordials which I will enjoy working my way through.
There was only one moment where I wanted a drink - when I was pouring the first glasses of wine. The smell hit me and I just WANTED some. I somehow got some on my fingers and wanted to lick it off. But I didn't, and the feeling passed and didn't come back. I very deliberately didn't buy spirits, as I didn't want anything left in the house that might need 'finishing off' and I think that was a good plan.
It seems very unfair that today I feel rough as anything - just exhausted. I was thrown out of bed at 1.30pm and now I'm just curled up on the sofa in my nightie, and probably not moving too far today. I ache all over from all of the physical work of the last few days, and I could go back to sleep at the drop of a hat. I wonder if this is a sign that I really ought to start thinking about fitness, carving out some time to go swimming a couple of times a week? I'm not a gym bunny at all, and I'm a slow swimmer, but I do find it quite relaxing. Also I have a waterproof MP3 player so it might also be a good time to catch up on some audio books!
It was a funny week mood-wise. Lots and lots of work done, my usual feeling of not being caught up and running to stand still...nothing bad happened but I wasn't always in my most enthusiastic of moods. It culminated on Friday - it was my MBA graduation ceremony. Hubs took a day off to attend, in-laws arranged to pick SmallPerson up from school and baby sit and then on the morning of the event....I decided I couldn't be bothered!
It wasn't quite that simple to be fair - I think I've mentioned before the caravan I have been renovating, and I'd done some work on that during the week as I wanted to get it ready-ish for Saturday when people would be coming over for my birthday. So by Friday morning I was tired, and I still wanted to get a lot of work done on it. I had a rare 'day off' from my work (out of office ON and a resolve not to look at my emails!), and suddenly the thought of chasing around Manchester trying to find robing rooms and photographers and assigned seats and then sit sweltering in Whitworth Hall watching lots of people I don't know march across a stage seemed like a huge waste of time.
I've graduated twice before. It's boring. I don't need a photo or a silly hat to make myself proud of my achievement - I know what I have done, I know better than anyone else ever can what hard work it was to get there. The realisation that I'm an adult and I really didn't HAVE to go if I didn't want to was actually quite liberating. I'm assuming they will post me my certificate!
As a result the caravan now looks halfway decent inside. It's definitely 'shabby chic' and the paint job isn't the best, but it's habitable (just) and a place where I can actually imagine us spending a couple of nights. I must try not to get too ambitious now though - at the moment there's no power or plumbing and it's probably safest for us all if it stays that way. I'm bidding on caravan movers on eBay now which are worth more than the van itself but persuading myself that I can always take it off and sell it once the caravan gives way....
Next job will be to tart up the outside a bit!
Yesterday was Birthday Day. On my last night of drinking I had rather rashly decided to host a BBQ and invite everyone to it. Bit of a disaster really, my family and a couple of friends showed up but nobody was really drinking (although I had laid on plenty of beer and wine!) and everyone had gone by about 7pm. The trouble with my parties, which I very rarely host, is that I tend to be the 'common link' so people generally don't know each other - which doesn't make for a great time for anyone as I spend most of it trying to make sure everyone has been talked to and has a drink in their hand.
Anyway, the difference this year is that I refuse to stress about it too much, I'm not responsible for people's fun really. It's reminded me why I don't do it, and why I won't do it again! I also fret a bit about who DIDN'T come and why I can't host a party like normal people, which is not really necessary or helpful.
Today's problem is what to do with the leftover alcohol - I guess stash it in the garage in a box, try not to forget it's there, and donate it to other social gatherings before the best before date is up! There's a ton of lovely soft drinks and cordials which I will enjoy working my way through.
There was only one moment where I wanted a drink - when I was pouring the first glasses of wine. The smell hit me and I just WANTED some. I somehow got some on my fingers and wanted to lick it off. But I didn't, and the feeling passed and didn't come back. I very deliberately didn't buy spirits, as I didn't want anything left in the house that might need 'finishing off' and I think that was a good plan.
It seems very unfair that today I feel rough as anything - just exhausted. I was thrown out of bed at 1.30pm and now I'm just curled up on the sofa in my nightie, and probably not moving too far today. I ache all over from all of the physical work of the last few days, and I could go back to sleep at the drop of a hat. I wonder if this is a sign that I really ought to start thinking about fitness, carving out some time to go swimming a couple of times a week? I'm not a gym bunny at all, and I'm a slow swimmer, but I do find it quite relaxing. Also I have a waterproof MP3 player so it might also be a good time to catch up on some audio books!
Monday, 6 July 2015
Day 28 - Four Weeks!
Wow. I'm sort of shocked to have made it to 4 weeks, and it doesn't feel like that long. I started writing this as 'three weeks' and then realised I was missing 7 days somewhere ;)
I 'came out' properly to my mum last night - this time she was appropriately supportive and said she had massive respect for me for doing it, and she had been worried about me. So that time in Week 1 when she managed to reduce me to tears with a comment was clearly me going through the post-gin emotional rollercoaster.
I've also 'come out', sort of, to my party guests for my birthday this weekend, just to say that I won't be drinking but they are welcome to. A couple of comments, but nothing too negative; and anyone who isn't interested in sober me isn't really a friend anyway, right?
There have been some ups and downs, and the initial 'high' of being sober is wearing off a bit. Tonight, I'm tired, my shoulders ache, I ought to get to bed soon really. But then, I did quite a bit yesterday (yeah, I can see that now, thank you for putting up with the pity party) and I worked hard today.
One thing I definitely need to get used to is that I can finally get more done, and be more focused; I was lying awake last night fretting about all the work piled up that I needed to get done. This morning, I just knuckled down to it. Most of it is done, some of it isn't, but it'll wait until tomorrow. I just need to learn to relax about that a little more!
So here are the benefits so far;
I 'came out' properly to my mum last night - this time she was appropriately supportive and said she had massive respect for me for doing it, and she had been worried about me. So that time in Week 1 when she managed to reduce me to tears with a comment was clearly me going through the post-gin emotional rollercoaster.
I've also 'come out', sort of, to my party guests for my birthday this weekend, just to say that I won't be drinking but they are welcome to. A couple of comments, but nothing too negative; and anyone who isn't interested in sober me isn't really a friend anyway, right?
There have been some ups and downs, and the initial 'high' of being sober is wearing off a bit. Tonight, I'm tired, my shoulders ache, I ought to get to bed soon really. But then, I did quite a bit yesterday (yeah, I can see that now, thank you for putting up with the pity party) and I worked hard today.
One thing I definitely need to get used to is that I can finally get more done, and be more focused; I was lying awake last night fretting about all the work piled up that I needed to get done. This morning, I just knuckled down to it. Most of it is done, some of it isn't, but it'll wait until tomorrow. I just need to learn to relax about that a little more!
So here are the benefits so far;
- I've not had a single day where I couldn't get out of bed (I used to blame this on depression!)
- In fact, when the alarm goes off I just get up and get on with it. I do still swear a bit though.
- No hangovers!
- No drink driving.
- Not sleeping so much on the weekend - and getting things done as a result.
- Not worrying about what I might have said, done or bought the night before
- Not having to think about where the next drink might be coming from!
- No more nagging about my drinking from anyone
- I'm calmer, and more patient, and I'm a better mum as a result
- I can think more, later - so although I'm not working in the evenings I'm doing something useful with my time, or reading, or being nice to myself, rather than just keeling over.
- My skin is way better!
- Things are still fun - in fact, things that are fun are probably better for being more memorable.
- I can remember movies more than 5 minutes after they end
- I'm taking better care of myself - nails, moisturiser, massages, time out to sit and relax...
- I seem to be getting over some of my social anxiety - I'm talking to strangers, even making new friends.
- I don't wake up in the night. I used to wake up and drink water routinely, and have to go to the loo, 2-3 times a night.
The downsides? Well, there's a hell of a lot of soul searching and self analysis which can get a bit wearing, and the fresh awareness of my self can be quite scary. Not being able to deaden emotions and feelings means I don't always know how to handle them. But all of this will pass with time and, I suppose, practice. I've not missed out on anything socially (I don't think), I don't miss the taste of alcohol (which surprises me).
I was able to remain pretty functional with a hell of a lot of booze in me. But a few times, I had 'that thing' which I'm assuming you'll be familiar with - getting to bed and suddenly realising you've REALLY overdone it and you're going to be really ill. You can't really walk, but you need to get to the bathroom, so you're bouncing off the walls and the doorframe. You know you have to be sick, to try to make it go away. You hate yourself, swear you won't do it again, as you knock back a pint of water only to throw that up as well. Everything spins and you want to shout for help and have it all go away.
I don't miss that one bit.
Saturday, 27 June 2015
Day 19 - Immersed
A great day today - the sun was shining, I was up early (I always used to sleep beyond noon on a Saturday), got a ton done in the garden, then went out for the afternoon with a friend to an artsy/theatrical thing in town. It was fun, and since we are both pretty socially terrible I was able to relax into it without drinking - there's a lot to be said for hanging out with people who are just as rubbish as you are ;)
I did make the mistake of asking whether they served alcohol free beer in a bar where really, I should have known it was a stupid question...I don't think they even knew such a thing existed. But when my friend asked for a J2O they'd never heard of that either, so I didn't feel too bad.
SmallPerson bought be some sweets today too, so I'm off to eat those now!
I did make the mistake of asking whether they served alcohol free beer in a bar where really, I should have known it was a stupid question...I don't think they even knew such a thing existed. But when my friend asked for a J2O they'd never heard of that either, so I didn't feel too bad.
SmallPerson bought be some sweets today too, so I'm off to eat those now!
Wednesday, 24 June 2015
Day 16 - I love my bed
I really do love my bed. It's enormous, and it's squashy, and I have a lovely thick duvet on it so that I feel totally cocooned when I curl up in it. I also love sleeping. I suppose now that I don't drink any more, its my favourite hobby. One side effect of sobriety has been that my sleep quality is increasing, but also that I don't have much trouble settling down now. Although my goal of getting up at 6am has moved to 7am, going to bed by 10 has been easy - in fact it's been a pleasure.
Tell the truth, I've been upstairs by half 8 all week, reading with SmallPerson while hubby is away, sharing lights out time and the duvet with her. It's been lovely.
What's unusual about all this is that I have a ton of work to do, and normally I would be really stressed out and sitting here in the evening working on it. My ability to shut off at 6pm and spend time with my daughter, do a few things around the house, and just relax, is a new one and I think a positive thing. I'm just generally more relaxed, going with the flow a little more. I even lay in the long grass today for a few minutes when I was out with the dog, and didn't feel TOO guilty about taking my time going back to work.
I'm also taking a lot more care of myself, which I don't think is a conscious decision, but more perhaps that I like myself a bit more so think I'm worth it. Things have been happening with nail varnish and moisturiser! I definitely think my skin looks a bit plumper, though it's still pretty uneven in tone - perhaps that's just the way it is anyway though. I'm not really a makeup person but I'm sure a bit of foundation would sort it out if I really started to care.
The sign up sheet for the school summer fair went up today. I nabbed the position I have always wanted without thinking - running the beer and pimms stand for an hour. Whoops. Still, it'll be sort of interesting to look at how much people drink, and who drinks, and who comes back for a second one. Last year, I was the person coming back for a third and wishing it was my job to sit there and pour it out! I'm not nervous that it will make me want to drink, and I hope my confidence lasts.
Tell the truth, I've been upstairs by half 8 all week, reading with SmallPerson while hubby is away, sharing lights out time and the duvet with her. It's been lovely.
What's unusual about all this is that I have a ton of work to do, and normally I would be really stressed out and sitting here in the evening working on it. My ability to shut off at 6pm and spend time with my daughter, do a few things around the house, and just relax, is a new one and I think a positive thing. I'm just generally more relaxed, going with the flow a little more. I even lay in the long grass today for a few minutes when I was out with the dog, and didn't feel TOO guilty about taking my time going back to work.
I'm also taking a lot more care of myself, which I don't think is a conscious decision, but more perhaps that I like myself a bit more so think I'm worth it. Things have been happening with nail varnish and moisturiser! I definitely think my skin looks a bit plumper, though it's still pretty uneven in tone - perhaps that's just the way it is anyway though. I'm not really a makeup person but I'm sure a bit of foundation would sort it out if I really started to care.
The sign up sheet for the school summer fair went up today. I nabbed the position I have always wanted without thinking - running the beer and pimms stand for an hour. Whoops. Still, it'll be sort of interesting to look at how much people drink, and who drinks, and who comes back for a second one. Last year, I was the person coming back for a third and wishing it was my job to sit there and pour it out! I'm not nervous that it will make me want to drink, and I hope my confidence lasts.
Sunday, 21 June 2015
Day 14 - What the hell time is this?
The clock tells me it's 6.37am, and I can assure you that so far today I've already updated the accounts, done the VAT return, and started writing bids for new work, as well as progressing the laundry, letting the dog out, and sorting out the dodgy printer upstairs.
What fresh hell is this? I'm not even drinking coffee. I should be asleep, like normal people.
It feels fantastic.
What fresh hell is this? I'm not even drinking coffee. I should be asleep, like normal people.
It feels fantastic.
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