Day 4

Day 4. Insomnia struck last night, and the night before, so I took a ZzzQuil at 1 am each time. Today I slept until 11am and am still walking around the office like a zombie (luckily, I'm the boss, so I can get away with it!). Entertained to note that I took one a couple of weeks back and felt it did nothing - I guess that's another sign of how booze was affecting my brain.

I feel like a bit of an observer at the moment rather than actually living in my body. It's not unpleasant, just different. I'm cutting myself a lot of slack and trying to be kind and positive in my inner monologue. Things like tidying the house, weeding the garden - they aren't the most important things and I refuse to beat myself up about them, for now. I'm promising that in a few weeks time, when the weather improves and so do I, I'll have tons of energy to tackle all of those jobs I have avoided for the past 12 months.

I feel much more confident and comfortable at this point than I did last time - perhaps because I know I can do it, and because I know what to expect? Perhaps because, having failed once before, I now accept that I'm an all or nothing person and just shouldn't drink? Perhaps because I've seen my friend ace it for a year now and can see the real difference it has made to him.

I also don't have to do quite as much soul searching. I know what my triggers for drinking are (stress and boredom) and when my danger points are (evenings, weekend afternoons), and I've got my strategies in place (Nanny State n/a beers and early nights). It's just a case of ticking off the days until I don't feel I have to tick them off any more.

The big change since last time around is that we now understand that our daughter has Asperger syndrome; that's why her behaviour was starting to get so difficult around the time I was going sober last time. I don't for a second blame that for me starting to drink again - but I know I'll probably be better equipped to help her if I'm fully present. I'm going to need energy to fight for her, calm her, support her, and fill in the endless forms. It's an added incentive!

Right. I guess I should do some work!

Sober 2.4

Day 4. Feeling more human today. It's Good Friday so I was able to sleep in until about 10.30 which was great - hopefully more of the same tomorrow!

Today has mainly been about waiting for slow computers. I have a lot of photos to process, and it's been suggested that I might like to sell some, so I've had to re-size them and upload them to various sites. It will be a tiny miracle if I make any money from it, but enough to buy a new lens now and then would make me very happy. If it pays for next year's trip to Iceland, so much the better!

I think that Day 4 might be easier than it was the first time around - I don't know, it just doesn't seem like such a big deal this time to be going sober. The cravings are less - although they're still there - I'd not say no to a glass of something right now, but at the same time I'm feeling too lazy to actually get up and get something. So that's that!

Hoping my skin will start to improve soon, that's definitely a deterioration I noticed again once I re-started drinking...more spots!  Better sleep will be a good thing too - I can sleep for hours and wake up tired. I'm not really sure now how much better that was when I was sober last time around, mind. I have some very weird dreams sometimes.

I let this journal lapse last time around too - in the end I started drinking on 30 November, so I went nearly 6 months. This time - fewer than 4 months to my birthday and 5 months to the big holiday. A gap between the two of them. Easy!